Something positive

I swore up and down that I would never, ever do the blog thing. They're so trendy in a lame sort of way. And they tend to be nothing but people who think they have something radical to say ranting, bitching and moaning. Kind of like how I've been doing.

Well, that's about to change, at least for now.

Yes, I live in New Jersey, the laughing stock of non-New Jerseyans. "The Garden State," as George Carlin said, "if you're growing smokestacks..." Yeah, I admit, it's not the greatest place in the world and I certainly don't plan to live my whole life in this weird place, but there are some nice things about it:

- Compared to just about everywhere else in this country, gas is cheap here. (Then again, anywhere in this country, gas is cheap. How much does a gallon of ice cream cost? A gallon of toothpaste? A gallon of plutonium?) As of October 23, there were stations charging $2.399 for regular.

- Highway tolls aren't bad. Yes, New Jerseyans would read this and firmly say, "Uhhh...'scuse me?" Yep, tolls are not bad at all. Don't believe me? Take a trip to the northwest and southwest suburbs of Chicago. There aren't any tolls anywhere in Chicago, but you pay up the wazoo in the outer suburbs, including right outside of O'Hare, an airport that actually is not in Chicago. On January 1, 2005, all Illinois toll roads doubled their fees -- except for those who have IPass, who are still paying the old tolls. In New Jersey, we have three toll roads: the turnpike, the Garden State Parkway, and the Atlantic City Expressway. I can't say much about the Atlantic City Expressway, as I've only traveled on it twice and just for a few miles, but at least you can see that the tolls they collect on the Parkway actually go to keep the road in shape. And despite George Carlin's rants about the number of times you have to stop and pay a toll, it's really not that bad. Seriously, the farther south you get on the Parkway, the fewer times you have to stop for tolls...it's way the hell up north where you have to stop every five feet.

- Car insurance is cheap. What? You heard that New Jersey has the highest car insurance rate? Maybe true for some people, but let me explain. When I was living in the Chicago area, I was covered by State Farm and paying maybe $110 a month 12 months out of the year. When I moved to New Jersey and had my account transferred, I was paying $220 a month and had to drop $440 upon signing up. Then came a little thing called New Jersey Manufacturers, which my girlfriend (now wife) recommended. You have to be a special kind of person to get New Jersey Manufacturers. Mainly, you have to work at NJM-approved companies, which at the time I did. And once you're covered by them, they won't drop you unless you really suck at driving. I signed on with New Jersey Manufacturers, and I started off with a $113 monthly bill. Yeah, three bucks higher than State Farm in Illinois, but...with NJM, I only pay nine months out of the year. Sweet deal! Went from $1320 a year to $1017. Then I got married. Just the fact that I got married lowered my monthly bills to a bit over $80. Then I turned 25. Suddenly I was just paying a bit over $60! And now that my wife and I are on the same policy, we're paying maybe $1500 annually for the both of us.

- The bagels out here are pretty good. You can't get a decent bagel anywhere outside of New Jersey, unless you go to New York City.

- Software Hut, my trusted Amiga dealer for over ten years, is a driveable distance from any point in New Jersey!

Oh...and for those of you who like to read the average, everyday, bitch'n'moan variety of blog, don't worry -- I will eventually be sharing my thoughts on the bad things about New Jersey. I might have to break it up into several hundred installments, though.

Clay Aiken

I heard that the really extreme and scary Clay Aiken fans go nuts at any mention of his name on TV, radio, Internet, etc. So the only reason I'm mentioning this on my blog is to throw off all the weird Clay Aiken fans in case it shows up in a search engine.

Freedom of Religion, Part 1: High School Heav...err, uhmm...Nice Place

Hey, just wanted to let you know that anything that you might think appears on this blog as related to my particular job is just my opinion. Nobody else's. If you don't like what I have to say, don't go bothering my employer. If you do like what I say, however, let me know and I'll tell you how to send me a $15,000 "I like what you have to say" check.

God has no place in this country. At least, that's what appears to be true, in this nation in which each state's constitution invokes God at the very beginning, as does this country's Declaration of Independence.

The truth is that we have freedom of religion, as long as that religion is atheism. And even though the United States is a democracy, which means that the majority rules, it's turning out that the majority does not always rule.

Take the situation of the head coach of the East Brunswick (NJ) High School football team. For 23 years he led the team in prayer before games. Suddenly he's told he can't do that, so he walks out of his job the day of a big football game. The school board tells him he's welcome back, provided he either no longer leads the team in prayer or no longer participates in the prayer.

Yes, for 23 years he's been doing this. And just now he gets one complaint. ONE COMPLAINT. This isn't definite, but the word on the street is that a Jewish cheerleader made the complaint.

(Dauber raises hand) Uhhh...hello? What business is it of a cheerleader what a football coach does with his team? And correct me if I'm wrong, but don't Jews and Christians pretty much worship the same god?? So then what did she find so offensive???

Now, I don't know this coach, so I can't vouch for him, but I wouldn't doubt that if any of his players didn't feel comfortable participating in a Christian prayer, he wouldn't have had a problem with allowing said player to not participate in the prayer.

My wife teaches in a public high school, and she asked her students what they thought of the whole thing. Every football player who commented said that what happened to the East Brunswick coach was just ridiculous. They talked about how they take place in a pre-game prayer regularly, and nobody was ever bothered by it. Even Jewish, Muslim and atheist players didn't have a problem. They understood that nobody was trying to convert them. They took it for what it was: getting their spirits up and hoping that nobody gets hurt.

And the deal about reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in school...you're offended by the phrase "under God"? Well, that's been in the pledge for what? fifty years? Why are we just now hearing complaints about that? You don't like that being in the pledge and you don't want your kid saying that phrase? Fine -- when reciting the pledge, have your precious kid SKIP those words. How hard is that? I'm offended by McDonald's, but you know what? They've been around for quite a while, and they're not going away. You know what I do about it? I ignore McDonald's. I don't go suing people and running protest rallies to get rid of them.

It's ridiculous. High school students are at extreme risk of being exposed to alcohol, drugs, smoking, gangs, teenage pregnancy, and God knows what else. But what are people raising the stink about? Religion. Come on, now.

To end this little rant...it's the time of year that the Christmas decorations are out in stores, well before Hallowe'en has even arrived, so let me end with this note. Where I work we deal with high schools a lot and have to consult with their schedules. Several public high school schedules we get tend to side-step Christian religions. Those weeklong breaks that just by astonishing coincidence include Christmas are called "Winter Break." What about that week toward the beginning of the year that just happens to include Holy Thursday, Good Friday, and Easter Sunday and occurs at a different time every year? That's called "Spring Break," although it's rarely in the spring. Yet these same public high school schedules have no problem mentioning that they're closed for Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashana. Heh...separation from church and state indeed! (Oh, wait...that's not actually in the Constitution...sorry!)

So, kids...welcome to High School Nice Place.

Dr. Demento Funny 25 of 2005 - My Predictions

Well, it's coming to that time of year again -- 42 weeks in, not many weeks left. Ladies and gentlemen, get your Christmas shopping done now!

It also means pretty soon Dr. Demento will be playing the Funny 25, the year's 25 most requested demented bits of audio (mainly songs, some comedy sketches) on his syndicated radio show. Yeah, it's early; it's not even Hallowe'en yet, but I have a pretty good idea of what will probably happen with this year's countdown.

Unfortunately, this year was a Star Wars year, so there will be a lot of Star Wars-centric tunes (*yawn*), ditto an unnecessary movie version of the book Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. And of course, one of the biggest dweeb-inducing things ever, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, BBC radio series that became a series of books I highly enjoyed actually, spawned a movie, so I wouldn't doubt we'll see a bunch of Hitchhiker's Guide songs requested by overweight pimply-faced bachelors who go around calling themselves Zaphod.

And as usual, probably the usual pollution of The Great Luke Ski. He's always there to jump on the bandwagon when a new movie comes out or when a new cartoon is all the rage, usually giving us lame parodies. However, I will say I love his new "Sex Kittens From Mars" production -- the singers are good, the lyrics are quite witty, and the harmonies are well done. I doubt we'll see that chart this year unless it gets an absolute slew of requests between now and December.

Without any further Apu, here's what I predict the Funny 25 will consist of. Keep in mind I calculated this in the middle of October. I did this very systematically. If a track hit #5 on the Funny Five, I awarded it 1 point; 2 points for #4, 3 points for #3, 4 points for #2, and 5 points for #1. I know that Dr. Demento also factors in points for other things like what's happening on the Billboard charts, what's going on in our crazy world, etc., so I did my best to give "power points" to popular artists, popular pieces, cultural relevance, and of course, the number of times an entry appeared on the Funny Five. Here are my predictions; I doubt the top five will be much different:

25. "Great Idea For A Song," Worm Quartet
24. "Stealing Like A Hobbit," The Great Luke Ski
23. "eBay I Need Your Lovin' (Weird Al Vs. Four Seasons)," D.J.B.S.
22. "Wet Dream," Kip Adotta
21. "Aliens Really Stink," UFO Phil
20. "Swift Kick In The Rear," Dan Hart
19. "Dead Puppies," Ogden Edsl
18. "Cows With Guns," Dana Lyons
17. "They're Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa!," Napoleon XIV
16. "Fish Heads," Barnes & Barnes
15. "Anakin," UFO Phil
14. "A Trip To The Chocolate Factory," Whimsical Will
13. "Viagra In The Waters," Camille West
12. "Silo Inferno," Krooked K
11. "Ti Kwan Leep/Boot To The Head," The Frantics
10. "Dumbledore," Steve Goodie
9. "Spam," Sudden Death
8. "The Dolphins/So Long And Thanks For All The Fish (reprise)," Neil Hannon
7. "Alone Again," Henry Phillips
6. "I Got Crabs From Darth Vader," Robert Lund
5. "Vader Boy," The Great Luke Ski
4. "Epithets," Paul and Storm
3. "Army Careers," The Frantics
2. "Girlfriend," Henry Phillips
1. "Inner Voice," Sudden Death featuring Worm Quartet

There ya have it. I doubt "Inner Voice" will budge -- it's been #1 many times this year, and also, note that I placed Worm Quartet's 2004 smash "Great Idea For A Song" at #25. If Dr. Demento did the same, this year's countdown will start and end with something involving Worm Quartet. Neat, eh?

I predict that Henry Phillips' latest hit, "Alone Again," will rise to the top 5. "Army Careers" will probably stay in the top 5, what with the massive popularity The Frantics have, that they recently reunited, and that the topic matter in the punchline of that sketch is, unfortunately, very topical and "funny because it's true." Sudden Death's "Spam" suddenly stopped getting played near the end of the summer, so I doubt that will move up any time soon.

Any questions?

Sean's Second John Lee Hooker Theorem

Theorem: Go to any store that sells CDs -- a specific CD store, Best Buy, Borders, or whatever else have you, and go to the "Blues" section. Look under the John Lee Hooker tab. Pull a John Lee Hooker CD out at random. It will have "Dimples."

Axiom: If it doesn't have "Dimples," the CD will have "One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer."

Really, is my name that difficult?

I never really did like my name. It's not a terribly common name like Joe, Bob, Mike, Jeff, Dave, Tom, Tim, Jim, or even Abdul. It's spelled weird, and its pronunciation is nothing like its spelling.

As a four-year-old I went through life in nursery school being called "Seen" by those in charge of the place. When I was in third grade a substitute teacher thought my name rhymes with "Leon." Now, honestly; have these people never heard of Sean Penn? Sean Young? Sean Astin? Sean Freakin' CONNERY?

Perhaps the most agony I've had to put up with is at Panera. (No, Mom, it's not "Pantera" -- that's something completely different!) You order your food, and after they take your order you have to give them your first name so they can yell it for all to hear when your order's ready. I usually pay by debit card when I get lunch at Panera. My name is on my debit card. I repeat, MY NAME IS ON MY DEBIT CARD. Yet they still spell it wrong. I've seen my name appear on the receipt as Shan, Shon, Shaun, Shawn, Shane, Shown, and for some reason, even "Shak." Yes, Shak!

One day when I went to Panera and was asked for my first name, I spelled it rather than say it so they'd spell it right. After I spelled it, the cashier said "Oh...Sean...okay..." and looked at me as if to say "You really didn't have to spell it, hon; I know how to spell it!" So I wait for my Caesar salad (and not the seafood bisque -- why won't they bring that back, dammit?!), and when it's ready, I hear my name yelled, clear as day: "Uhhh.......Si-in??????" *sigh*

Today I went to Panera to get a Caesar salad for lunch. When the cashier asked for my name, I said, "Put down 'Bob.' That's not my real name, but every time I come here and give my real name, it gets either misspelled or mispronounced."

I hear Bob's name announced. I go over and grab my salad. On my way out, the cashier yelled to me, "Have a nice day, Bob!"

I want to go back there and give her a nice tip.

How to Be a Good Customer

As per the terms of my employer's policies, I must disclaim here that anything here that might be interpreted as related to any job I have now or in the past is solely my own damn opinion and is not necessarily that of my employers. So if you don't like what I have to say, don't get pissy with my boss, okay?

What's that? How to be a good customer? You mean I should alter my own habits to make life easier for the paid professionals I'm dealing with?

Yes.

ASKING FOR A SUPERVISOR

This is perhaps the most common request made to anybody who deals with customers, whether it be over the phone or in person. Well, let me tell you some truths about this.

Supervisors often tell their workers that if someone asks to speak to a supervisor, it ain't gonna happen. "They don't need to speak to a supervisor. A supervisor won't tell them anything different from what you told them."

A supervisor, believe it or not, actually has a job to do. And this may seem shocking, but the supervisor's job is not to sit and wait around for someone to complain. Supervisors have reports to write, people to hire, people to fire, meetings to plan, trainings to run, and God knows what else. They're busy enough as it is. Besides...the whole reason customer service people are hired are to do the supervisor's jobs.

But what if you ask for a supervisor and the person you're talking to says "Okay, I'll get a supervisor for you"? Well, let me tell you what happens. If it's over the phone, the phone rep will put the caller on hold, go over to someone who's not currently on the phone with someone, and say "Hey, you gotta be the supervisor for a minute!" (One of my actual supervisors once told me that he'd probably call on me to play the part of the supervisor because my voice is much deeper than his!) If it's in person, someone will be dragged out from somewhere else -- most likely a break room -- and asked to play the role of a supervisor.

If you do end up talking to a real supervisor and are still unsatisfied, don't even bother asking for the company president's number. The fact is, you're not going to speak to that person. Ever. Deal with it.

REFUND POLICIES, RETURN POLICIES, WARRANTIES AND GUARANTEES

First, a pronunciation guide and some terms defined. A "gehr @n TEE" is a statement that what you're getting is what it's claimed to be. In other words, if you buy a product that's advertised as a Yamaha PSR 230 musical keyboard, there will be a Yamaha PSR 230 musical keyboard in the box. A guarantee might go a step further and make you a promise that the product will work as advertised, and if it doesn't it spells out what the company owes you if it doesn't work. A "WAHR r@n tee" is a statement that the product you're buying will work and be free from defects for a certain amount of time, normally between thirty days and a year.

Having said that, know what the guarantee is and refund policy is before you buy a product or service. Buying a product or service is an implication that you fully understand what the policies are and that you agree to follow those policies. If the guarantee says that if the private lessons you pay for don't improve your golf score then you get an additional ten lessons for free, it does not mean that you get your money back. It means you get ten additional lessons for free. If the warranty says that your radio will work for up to a year but getting it wet voids your warranty, then don't be surprised that the company won't replace it for you if your house blows down and a torrential downpour wrecks your radio. It absolutely wasn't your fault, but the warranty clearly says it isn't going to work for that year if it gets wet, regardless of whose fault it was! And don't go posting stuff online about how such'n'such a store sucks because they wouldn't refund you because it was 15 days after the refund deadline -- stores will post their refund policies very conspicuously, and if they don't, a worker will be happy to tell you what the refund policy is for that store.

DON'T BE STUPID

What causes a customer service worker's biggest headache, or sometimes biggest laugh, is the stupidity and ignorance of many customers.

It might help to familiarize yourself with the various models a company offers for sale. At one job I had, a caller told me he was fed up with the product he bought, and he threatened to get rid of it and go out and buy "product X." The, uhh...thing about that is that "product X" happened to be made by our company! I said, "I'm really sorry you feel that way, sir, but I do wish you the best if you do decide to go with 'product X.'"

If you're calling a customer service number that's not a toll-free number, perhaps the dumbest thing you can do is spend the first five minutes of your conversation with the phone rep bitching about having to pay long-distance charges for support. First of all, the more you whine about it, the longer your phone conversation will be, and the higher your phone bill will be. Also, that delays other calls from getting through. You can bet that the reason you were waiting on hold for so long was that there was someone in front of you complaining about the same thing! So shut up and get to the point! And remember, if you end up calling a long-distance phone number for support, you can bet your life savings that there used to be a toll-free number, but because people didn't bother to take the time to look through the manual for instructions on how to put batteries in the damn thing, the toll-free number was jammed with calls from people who could have helped themselves. The thought is that a regular toll number will weed out these idiots, and that only those with real problems will call.

If you have to leave a voice mail message because the lines are closed for the day, one thing you don't want to say is "I want someone to call me back right away. I'm very angry!" Well, there's something we want to do! Let's call that angry woman back right away! Seriously, leaving a message in which you express your anger is a sure-fire way of NOT having your call returned in a timely manner.

WHAT YOU SAY, WHAT THEY SAY, AND WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN

There are so many threats that customer service folk hear all the time, and there are three in particular that customers think will scare the bejeezus out of 'em, but in reality, customer service reps don't give a damn about: 1) switching to the company's number-one competitor, 2) legal action, and 3) the Better Business Bureau.

YOU SAY:
"I'm really fed up with this crap. I'm going with [place rival company's name here]."

THEY SAY:
"I'm sorry you feel that way. That's certainly your prerogative, and we respect that, and we wish you the best with whatever decision you make."

WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN:
"Great! You'll be off our asses, and you can go bother THEM instead! Let THEM deal with you!" (If you're making this threat over the phone, chances are you're actually talking to someone from a temp agency, so even if your switching to the other side were to cause the company to go belly-up, the temp agency will find somewhere else for the rep to go, so they just plain DO NOT CARE.)

---

YOU SAY:
"This is just ridiculous. You will be hearing from my lawyer."

THEY SAY:
"I'm sorry you feel that way. We certainly try our best to help you in any way we can, but if you feel you need to take legal action, that's certainly your prerogative."

WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN:
"Great! We have lawyers too. But we wonder why you're willing to spend thousands of dollars fighting us over a $50 product. What? It's not the money but the principle? You must be a very concerned activist to sacrifice so much money on your principles!"

---

YOU SAY:
"I'm reporting you to the Better Business Bureau!"

THEY SAY:
"That's certainly your prerogative. I'm sorry you feel that way and that we couldn't come to a mutual agreement."

WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN:
"Great! The Better Business Bureau will see that we delivered exactly what we promised, and they'll tell you to sod off." (Honestly, do these people even know what the Better Business Bureau does?)

Sean's John Lee Hooker Theorem

Being from the Chicago area, there's a place in my heart for really good blues music. I've heard many a John Lee Hooker song in my life as performed by Hooker himself and other bands such as The Animals and the DNA Blues Band. After hearing a couple dozen of these gems, I've come up with a John Lee Hooker theorem. Allow me to explain...

Sean's John Lee Hooker Theorem:
The lyrics in a John Lee Hooker song will mention infatuation with the way a woman walks and talks.

Axiom:
If the lyrics in a John Lee Hooker song do not mention said infatuation, they will mention a Cadillac.