How to Be a Good Customer

As per the terms of my employer's policies, I must disclaim here that anything here that might be interpreted as related to any job I have now or in the past is solely my own damn opinion and is not necessarily that of my employers. So if you don't like what I have to say, don't get pissy with my boss, okay?

What's that? How to be a good customer? You mean I should alter my own habits to make life easier for the paid professionals I'm dealing with?

Yes.

ASKING FOR A SUPERVISOR

This is perhaps the most common request made to anybody who deals with customers, whether it be over the phone or in person. Well, let me tell you some truths about this.

Supervisors often tell their workers that if someone asks to speak to a supervisor, it ain't gonna happen. "They don't need to speak to a supervisor. A supervisor won't tell them anything different from what you told them."

A supervisor, believe it or not, actually has a job to do. And this may seem shocking, but the supervisor's job is not to sit and wait around for someone to complain. Supervisors have reports to write, people to hire, people to fire, meetings to plan, trainings to run, and God knows what else. They're busy enough as it is. Besides...the whole reason customer service people are hired are to do the supervisor's jobs.

But what if you ask for a supervisor and the person you're talking to says "Okay, I'll get a supervisor for you"? Well, let me tell you what happens. If it's over the phone, the phone rep will put the caller on hold, go over to someone who's not currently on the phone with someone, and say "Hey, you gotta be the supervisor for a minute!" (One of my actual supervisors once told me that he'd probably call on me to play the part of the supervisor because my voice is much deeper than his!) If it's in person, someone will be dragged out from somewhere else -- most likely a break room -- and asked to play the role of a supervisor.

If you do end up talking to a real supervisor and are still unsatisfied, don't even bother asking for the company president's number. The fact is, you're not going to speak to that person. Ever. Deal with it.

REFUND POLICIES, RETURN POLICIES, WARRANTIES AND GUARANTEES

First, a pronunciation guide and some terms defined. A "gehr @n TEE" is a statement that what you're getting is what it's claimed to be. In other words, if you buy a product that's advertised as a Yamaha PSR 230 musical keyboard, there will be a Yamaha PSR 230 musical keyboard in the box. A guarantee might go a step further and make you a promise that the product will work as advertised, and if it doesn't it spells out what the company owes you if it doesn't work. A "WAHR r@n tee" is a statement that the product you're buying will work and be free from defects for a certain amount of time, normally between thirty days and a year.

Having said that, know what the guarantee is and refund policy is before you buy a product or service. Buying a product or service is an implication that you fully understand what the policies are and that you agree to follow those policies. If the guarantee says that if the private lessons you pay for don't improve your golf score then you get an additional ten lessons for free, it does not mean that you get your money back. It means you get ten additional lessons for free. If the warranty says that your radio will work for up to a year but getting it wet voids your warranty, then don't be surprised that the company won't replace it for you if your house blows down and a torrential downpour wrecks your radio. It absolutely wasn't your fault, but the warranty clearly says it isn't going to work for that year if it gets wet, regardless of whose fault it was! And don't go posting stuff online about how such'n'such a store sucks because they wouldn't refund you because it was 15 days after the refund deadline -- stores will post their refund policies very conspicuously, and if they don't, a worker will be happy to tell you what the refund policy is for that store.

DON'T BE STUPID

What causes a customer service worker's biggest headache, or sometimes biggest laugh, is the stupidity and ignorance of many customers.

It might help to familiarize yourself with the various models a company offers for sale. At one job I had, a caller told me he was fed up with the product he bought, and he threatened to get rid of it and go out and buy "product X." The, uhh...thing about that is that "product X" happened to be made by our company! I said, "I'm really sorry you feel that way, sir, but I do wish you the best if you do decide to go with 'product X.'"

If you're calling a customer service number that's not a toll-free number, perhaps the dumbest thing you can do is spend the first five minutes of your conversation with the phone rep bitching about having to pay long-distance charges for support. First of all, the more you whine about it, the longer your phone conversation will be, and the higher your phone bill will be. Also, that delays other calls from getting through. You can bet that the reason you were waiting on hold for so long was that there was someone in front of you complaining about the same thing! So shut up and get to the point! And remember, if you end up calling a long-distance phone number for support, you can bet your life savings that there used to be a toll-free number, but because people didn't bother to take the time to look through the manual for instructions on how to put batteries in the damn thing, the toll-free number was jammed with calls from people who could have helped themselves. The thought is that a regular toll number will weed out these idiots, and that only those with real problems will call.

If you have to leave a voice mail message because the lines are closed for the day, one thing you don't want to say is "I want someone to call me back right away. I'm very angry!" Well, there's something we want to do! Let's call that angry woman back right away! Seriously, leaving a message in which you express your anger is a sure-fire way of NOT having your call returned in a timely manner.

WHAT YOU SAY, WHAT THEY SAY, AND WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN

There are so many threats that customer service folk hear all the time, and there are three in particular that customers think will scare the bejeezus out of 'em, but in reality, customer service reps don't give a damn about: 1) switching to the company's number-one competitor, 2) legal action, and 3) the Better Business Bureau.

YOU SAY:
"I'm really fed up with this crap. I'm going with [place rival company's name here]."

THEY SAY:
"I'm sorry you feel that way. That's certainly your prerogative, and we respect that, and we wish you the best with whatever decision you make."

WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN:
"Great! You'll be off our asses, and you can go bother THEM instead! Let THEM deal with you!" (If you're making this threat over the phone, chances are you're actually talking to someone from a temp agency, so even if your switching to the other side were to cause the company to go belly-up, the temp agency will find somewhere else for the rep to go, so they just plain DO NOT CARE.)

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YOU SAY:
"This is just ridiculous. You will be hearing from my lawyer."

THEY SAY:
"I'm sorry you feel that way. We certainly try our best to help you in any way we can, but if you feel you need to take legal action, that's certainly your prerogative."

WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN:
"Great! We have lawyers too. But we wonder why you're willing to spend thousands of dollars fighting us over a $50 product. What? It's not the money but the principle? You must be a very concerned activist to sacrifice so much money on your principles!"

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YOU SAY:
"I'm reporting you to the Better Business Bureau!"

THEY SAY:
"That's certainly your prerogative. I'm sorry you feel that way and that we couldn't come to a mutual agreement."

WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN:
"Great! The Better Business Bureau will see that we delivered exactly what we promised, and they'll tell you to sod off." (Honestly, do these people even know what the Better Business Bureau does?)