The People Need to STFU Rant, Part 1: The iPhone 4

No, not that I'd ever deprive anybody of one's First Amendment rights, but I am finding a lot of people who need to just, well...shut up or go away. Allow me to explain two examples I recently encountered:

1) The people causing the iPhone 4 brouhaha, and
2) The bitchers and moaners on the #22 CTA bus heading northbound at around 12:30am today.

Now, let's start with the iPhone business.

Problems: there is a bug in the code that calculates the number of bars that should display to represent the signal strength; if you hold the iPhone a certain way during an active call, the call will drop because of the way the antenna is situated; and finally, one could accidentally disconnect a call if one's cheek (face cheek, smartass!) accidentally touches the virtual "End Call" button due to a bug in the phone's sensitivity thingy. (Technical, aren't I?) As a result -- especially of the antenna problem -- it seems the world is calling for Steve Jobs's head on a lance.

I have several things to say about this:

- I'm just going to ignore the cheek problem and the signal bar problem for now; Apple has acknowledged these issues and is working on fixes; in fact, the signal bar issue has been around since the very first iPhone.

- Wow. Microsoft continually knowingly releases buggy products that constantly require patches and updates, and nobody says diddly. A phone comes out with three reported problems and suddenly Apple is the root of all evil.

- "Just don't hold it that way" -- a bit of advice that offended the masses. Come on, now; this is nothing new. Don't believe me? Go to your favorite search engine and look for "nokia 2320 user manual:" you will find instructions that tell you how NOT to hold the phone, for the same reason!

- Apple denying there was a problem -- did they flat-out say there wasn't a problem, period, or did they say THEY haven't found a problem? There's a difference between a third party thinking they found a bug and Apple finding it.

- In fact, I don't believe Apple flat-out DENIED there was a problem; in fact they announced it was a software issue. Okay, this is a bit shady, but yes, you can theoretically use software to fix a hardware problem. (Hmmm...notice how when iPod firmware is updated, sometimes the result is a longer battery charge? So it goes to show that sometimes you can affect hardware with software.)

- There are reports that an anonymous developer leaked to the media that the development team knew all along that there were antenna problems, but the powers that be wouldn't listen to them. Okay, then why did this come out only after news got out that there were antenna problems? Why did the anonymous developer not warn us sooner?

- Speaking of leaking (unintentional rhyme, but damn, am I impressed!)...what about the prototype that was left behind in a bar? (Tell me that wasn't a setup.) Gee, I don't remember Gizmodo talking about the antenna problems. Makes me think that the brouhaha is more of a molehill than a mountain.

- Put a piece of insulating tape -- electrical tape, duct tape, whatever -- over the little black lines on the side of the iPhone. "I shouldn't have to do that!," I hear people say. CAN you do it? Then STFU and do it. These are the same people who bitch about, say, other people not volunteering to help clean up after a party, yet when you ask these people, "Did you ask anybody to help?" they say, "Well, I shouldn't have to." Oh, shut your face and do it if you have to.

- Another solution: put a bumper on the phone. Apple is giving those away with iPhone 4s now and is refunding the price to anybody who bought 'em before yesterday's press conference.

- "I demand a refund!" No problem -- there's a 30-day return policy; the iPhone 4, at the time of this writing, hasn't even been out for 30 days.

- The dropped call problem an issue that is only affecting some users. Thing is, Apple sold so many iPhone 4s at once -- more than they've ever sold before -- that it seems like more people are finding this bug all at the same time than usual, so it appears bigger than it is. And that it's not affecting everybody became very apparent to me yesterday when I personally tested three different iPhone 4s and tried my damnedest to disconnect phone calls that I made. I gave the phone the famous death grip that's causing all the problems. I tried with both my right and left hands. I even attempted to crush the damn thing. Result: call stayed connected, and when I watched the screen when I did this, signal bars didn't budge. (I also couldn't disconnect a call with my cheek, for the record.)

- Oh, and gee...people seem to not realize the exact same issue happened with the iPhone 3GS, yet nobody said a word. Hmmm. Go figure. Well, OK, to be fair, it wasn't the exact same issue -- the iPhone 4 problem happens on the left side of the phone, but the 3GS problem happens on the right side.

So everybody, just shut. the. fluorine. up.

My next STFU rant will be an extreme rarity: I'll be defending the Chicago Transit Authority.