Travel Tips from Dauber, part 1: Air Travel

Many people will be traveling for Christmas right about this time, so I figured I'd share some wisdom I've gained as someone who flies every year just about now. This wisdom comes from both watching Airline and actual travel. In bringing you this wisdom, I want to make you aware that I do not work for the airline industry or anybody who has anything to do with traveling.

Remember what happened on September 11, 2001.

• It pains me to have to emphasize this, but basically, don't put anything in your carry-on stuff that could be used to inflict harm. I don't care if you're bringing your knife collection because you're going to a knife show -- expect it to be confiscated! Basically, don't attempt to bring anything pointy or that can start any kind of fire or explosion.


• If somebody does confiscate something in your carry-on luggage, don't blame the airline -- it's not their call.


• This was actually true BEFORE 9/11, but it's even more true now: do not say the word "bomb" at the airport or on board the plane. Ever. In any context.


• If you haven't flown since 9/11, be aware that if you don't have a boarding pass, you might not be allowed through security. So if you're there to see someone off, you might have to leave as soon as that someone gets the boarding pass. This policy varies from airport to airport, but I can tell you from personal experience that this is true for O'Hare, Newark, and McCarran.


• Ever since 9/11, there's been a strict rule that you are not allowed out of your seat during the first half-hour and last half-hour of your flight. So plan your potty breaks accordingly.

Now, in general:

• Just because they serve alcohol in various places inside the terminal doesn't mean you can get drunk. If someone thinks you could be drunk, you will be denied boarding. You have to be sober enough to perform emergency procedures. Also, who knows how you'll behave on board while intoxicated?


• Do you have chocolates or peanut butter in your luggage? Don't be surprised if the scanner detects explosives. However, the candy will not be confiscated. Your luggage will be thoroughly searched, though, and that could delay you a bit.


• No matter what the airline tells you, get to the airport at least two hours before your departure time. Most airlines actually tell you that anyway, but this is very good advice. You never know how long security lines will be.


• If you're flying out of Baltimore, don't take Southwest Airlines. (Well...that's my own opinion, actually, and that's some of the wisdom I gained from watching Airline!)


• All airlines typically overbook flights. There are usually no-shows, so rather than lose out on expensive air fare, they'll sell more tickets than the number of available seats. Keep that in mind -- make sure that if you have to be at work the next day that you don't take the last flight of the day! If you have to get bumped because of overbooking, you don't want to screw yourself. You will get a nice compensation package, though, to help make up for the inconvenience.


• Don't get mad at the airline if your flight is cancelled or delayed due to bad weather. They cannot control the weather, and if the weather is bad, it's just not safe to take off and land. But for idiots who can't figure this out, I really do think that airlines should have a "quack flight." The "quack flight" would be run by a pilot who really likes to live dangerously and doesn't mind taking dumb risks. What happens is you complain to the agent about your flight being cancelled or delayed due to weather or other safety concerns. "You really need to fly out right now, no matter what? Okay, here ya go!" You get your boarding pass and you board the quack flight -- after, of course, signing an agreement saying you will not hold the airline responsible for your death or for a bad flight because, after all, you were dumb enough to fly in dangerous conditions.


• If you get a drink during the flight, chances are the flight attendant will pour the drink from the can into a smaller cup. That's why you can afford to fly. However, I do believe that if you ask for the whole can, they will give it to you. Heck, I never needed more than the cup, so I never asked, but I'm pretty sure that they will give you the whole thing if you ask.


• A good way to pass the time in the air is to look through the Skymall catalog. Seriously, you'll get a good laugh at all the stupid overpriced crap you can buy. Oh...and half of it is "European," which usually means "contains curved tubular metal."


• Standing up as soon as the plane hits the ground and fumbling for your carry-ons in the overhead compartment won't get you out of the plane any sooner than anybody else, so sit your ass down and wait like everybody else.

I think that's all I can think of right now. I'll be sure to add updates as necessary!

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