We need a national anthem.

(Let's start off with some controversy, shall we?) "The Star-Spangled Banner" is one of the most poorly-written popular songs ever. Not quite as bad as, say, anything by Willi One-Blood, but pret-ty bad.

First of all, it's not an original melody. The music is actually a slowed-down version of an old drinking song called "To Anacreon In Heaven." Great! So the world thinks that this great country consists mainly of alcoholics!

Second, the lyrics are very disturbing. They glorify bloodshed and war. Basically, the lyrics say "Wow, look at all this death and destruction. Amazingly, the flag is still intact!" And that's just the first verse. Yes, there are actually several verses to this draggy thing.

Third, there's the glory note in the end. People refer to it as the "high note." You know the note - the word "free." Well, that same exact note occurs earlier, too, on the phrase "red glare." Sorry, but hitting that note for the third time in the same verse just does not impress me.

"Well, then, come up with a better idea for a national anthem!" I hear you cry. That's a hard choice. If you go through the other "hooray for us" songs, you'll notice they don't actually mention the name of the country -- hey, kinda like "The Star-Spangled Banner!" "America," aka "My Country, 'Tis Of Thee," not only borrows its melody from "God Save The Queen," but also doesn't mention the name of the country. "America The Beautiful" and "God Bless America" don't either -- look, "America" ain't the name of this country.

Right now, the only patriotic song that I can think of that actually comes close to mentioning the name of this country is "God Bless The USA," which has got to be the worst...absolute WORST...song EVER MADE -- yep, even worse than "MacArthur Park." Dig: "I'm proud to be an American where at least I know I'm free." Uhh...okay, that sentence has the word "where" but doesn't actually mention a place. And the overall maudlinity and drippiness of it all is really worth giving Lee Greenwood the death penalty (and I'm pretty much against capital punishment, so you KNOW he had to do something bad to deserve it). I suggest multiple paper cuts followed by Chinese water torture - with saltwater - immediately followed by crucifixion.

I once lamented about this whole "our national anthem sucks" situation online, and someone from England wrote back and said something along the lines of, "Don't feel too bad -- ours ain't that great either. It basically says God save the queen, but screw everybody else."

Glad to know I'm not alone.