That chilly, mysterious time of year

The end of October through the beginning of November is just a strange time of year. It can be cool or warm, sunny or overcast, lethargic or energetic.

Let's start with Hallowe'en. Yeah, I like to use the apostrophe since the "een" part is actually a contraction of "evening." I never really cared much for that holiday. Even as a kid I had to think of a costume, put it on, sweat under it, and panhandle neighbors for candy that mostly I didn't get around to eating. And you gotta admit, to this day selections are pretty atrocious.

The omnipresent mystery of trick-or-treating, as I see it, is the "Fun Size" candy bar. Apparently, the fine folks at M&M/Mars and other chocolate bar makers think it's fun to finish a candy bar in two bites. Nuh-uh. You know what a fun size would be? A candy bar that's about twelve inches wide by sixteen inches long. Chow down on that -- that's called fun, my friends!

What about those weird things wrapped in orange or black wax paper and have a slight hint of peanut butter? Honestly, does anybody actually enjoy those? When buying Hallowe'en candy, remember: nobody likes those things!

You want kids to like you at Hallowe'en, at least enough not to egg your house in revenge? Do something cool. When I was a preteen my best friend's uncle had a dresser in the front room of his house, and on top of the dresser were a couple dozen lunch-size paper bags, and when you went trick-or-treating to his house, he'd have you come in and pick a bag at random. And there was a lot of good stuff in it -- good, that is, in both senses of the word in terms of food -- enjoyable (a couple of bits of candy) and good for you (like an apple). In one bag was sort of a prize and you hoped you got that bag; alas, I never did. One year the prize was a Rubik's Cube; at least, that's what I heard from other friends. (Obviously, this was the early '80s we're talkin'.)

One thing I've always wondered, though, is this: has anybody actually ever given a trick rather than a treat? Really, the kids ask for "trick or treat." I never got a trick. Just a treat.

And you gotta wonder about Charlie Brown and Linus Van Pelt. What's the deal with that Great Pumpkin thing? Well, I'm not so much concerned about that, but the Great Pumpkin visits the most sincere pumpkin patch he can find. What exactly are the criteria for sincerity in pumpkin patches? And he asked his friends whether they wanted to sing pumpkin carols with him. I'd love to hear some. Poor Charlie Brown, though. Seriously, the kid had a brilliant costume and didn't even know it -- swiss cheese! (Or a dalmation salt shaker.) At every house he went to, he got a rock. Honestly, were people so mean that they kept a pile of rocks by the door just in case there were kids with flawed costumes? If I were Charlie Brown, I would have very respectfullly returned every one of those rocks...probably through the nicest window of the house.

Now, on to this business about elections. (Ever notice how close to Hallowe'en Election Day falls? Hmmm.) I don't remember why, but obviously Election Day falls on the first Tuesday after the first Monday of November, so this year because November 1 was a Tuesday, November 8 is Election Day. Here in New Jersey we get to elect a governor. The Republican and Democrat candidates are rich white guys. That's their platform, really. And they both annoy me. I really, really wish people would consider the other candidates; there are probably eight on the ballot. There are only two candidates on the ballot who haven't pissed me off: Dr. Castillo and a dude who calls himself "Weed Man." I'm considering voting for Weed Man, but his only issue is legalizing pot, and since I don't smoke the stuff or plan to start smoking the stuff (say what you will about how dangerous marijuana is or isn't, but there's nothing you can say or do to convince me that ever putting smoke of any kind in your lungs is healthy!), I really don't care about that platform either way. I actually considered writing in Mark Lapidos, but I have a feeling if he were governor, the suits at Apple Records would force him to rename New Jersey "The State for Springsteen Fans."