REPENT, SINNER!!!!

So I've been noticing there's a controversy about Barack Obama being invited to speak at Notre Dame's graduation; it's tradition for the President of the United States to deliver an address at this event. And some of my fellow Catholics are getting up in arms because he...doesn't detest abortion and is all for stem cell research. And now, Cardinal George here in Chicago is getting pissy and moany about it.

Of course, it just calls to mind "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." "Judge not lest ye be judged."

It also occurs to me that many people say that the founder of my religion was none other than Jesus Christ. These are the same people who want me to believe that it's okay -- nay, NECESSARY -- to hate people who are scientifically predetermined to be attracted to their own gender, to vote based on whether or not a candidate is in favor of one particular sin, and in other ways cast judgment to people who are in some ways sinful and unclean. These are the same people who forget that the founder of our religion -- the guy who allowed himself to be crucified so he could bring us eternal salvation -- was best friends with a prostitute and hand-picked a murderer to be one of his followers. Now, mind you I haven't personally had a conversation with Jesus about this yet, but I'm pretty sure that given the circumstances, the LEAST of his worries are about whether a guy finds another guy attractive or if using aborted fetuses for research on improving the quality of life (fetuses that otherwise would be thrown in the trash) is on someone's mind.

Now, going back to the gay thing...people often cite Leviticus as the source that says homosexuality is a sin, and they're correct: it really does say that in Leviticus. It also says, understandably, that boinking your daughter, aunt, son-in-law, mother, father, or a non-human animal is unclean. So they have something there. But let's see what other sins there are, courtesy of the book of Leviticus.

It is a sin for your hair to be messy and your clothes to display wear and tear.
"Do not let your hair become unkempt, and do not tear your clothes, or you will die and the LORD will be angry with the whole community." (10:6)
Come on, people -- we're all suffering because of your f*cking bed-head!!!

All patriotic Americans are sinners because the eagle is the symbol of the United States.
Check it out -- verses 13 through 18 of chapter 10 list the eagle among "the birds you are to detest." And this is a country whose flag's pledge of allegiance invokes God, and whose Declaration of Independence defines God-given rights?? Talk about a double-standard!

Boys are cleaner than girls.
Leviticus 12:1-5 clearly says that if a woman gives birth to a boy, she's unclean for seven days, but she's unclean for two weeks if she gives birth to a girl. And as someone who's been in several girls-versus-boys arguments in my pre-teen years, I say: NYAAAA!

Being circumcised as soon as possible after birth might be good for your health, but it's BAD FOR YOUR SOUL!!!
Leviticus 12:3 says that eight days after being born, the boy is to be circumcised. Heh...some of you STILL haven't had the snip! Come on, sinner, what are you waiting for?!!?

Mothers need to do certain things after they give birth -- but there are economic considerations.
Hey, Catholic moms (and all other Christian moms, for that matter), after your purification ritual after giving birth, did you bring a year-old lamb as a burnt offering to your priest and a pigeon or a dove as penance for your sins? Well, in these trying times you probably can't afford a lamb, so double up on the bird if that's the case. Certainly if you think gays are wrong because it says so in the Bible, you're willing to admit you have committed a grievous offense by not delivering the goods to your priest, n'est-ce pas? Look it up: Leviticus 12:6-8.

There's a right way and a wrong way to rid your clothes of mildew.
The wrong way: laundry products. The right way: Show it to your priest, who will then quarantine the affected article of clothing for a week, check to see if the mildew spread, and burn the article of clothing still affected by the mildew. It clearly says that in Leviticus 13:47-52, so it must be the only sin-free way of doing it, right?

Never mind this "I am third" crap -- look out for NUMBER ONE, dammit!
When you reap the harvest of your land, do not reap to the very edges of your field or gather the gleanings of your harvest. Do not go over your vineyard a second time or pick up the grapes that have fallen. Leave them for the poor and the alien." (Leviticus 19:9-10)
In other words, you get the good stuff; those who don't have the money to buy their own food get the crap that landed on the ground, as do people who are new to the area.

Hey, Mister Jeans-and-a-T-Shirt Guy, you're a sinner!
Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material. (Leviticus 19:19)
I guess this means I'm going to hell.

Shaving is a sin.
Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard. (Leviticus 19:19 again.)
And you wonder why Mr. Burns is considered evil: "Mattingly, I told you to trim those sideburns!"

There are no such entities as illegal aliens.
Leviticus 19:33-34 says that foreigners are to be treated as if they were natives. Certainly devout Christians would agree that this means we reallly need to streamline immigration and naturalization, no?

If you have acne, you cannot receive communion.
Don't believe me? Check out Leviticus 22:4.

And finally, one thing we ARE getting right: Labor Day. Read on:
On the first day of the seventh month you are to have a day of rest, a sacred assembly commemorated with trumpet blasts. Do no regular work, but present an offering made to the LORD by fire. (Leviticus 23:23-25)
Well, okay, not quite...I admit I'm a sinner in that the last time I had a Labor Day cookout I didn't have any trumpet blasts. You'd better believe that I'm going to bring a couple of animals to my priest today so I can remedy this deplorable situation. But what's really cool is that the "seventh month" in our day means July, while back in the days of Leviticus it meant September. And in this country we have celebrations at the beginnings of both months!

So, Cardinal, have you kept all this in mind? How many people have you not blasted despite the fact that they have clearly committed all these sins?

Oh, and watch out the next time you sit down. Make sure that seat was never used by a menstruating woman, because - yep, you guessed it - that's a sin, too.