Asshole

Ahh, yes, another happy post from Dauber!

And a discussion about assholes!

A few years ago, I read that there's a difference between an "idiot" and an "asshole." The difference is that an idiot drives too slowly, and an asshole drives too fast. I'd just like to take this opportunity to expand on that definition of "asshole," and of course, add my own commentary. I guess a good way to do this is to say that an "asshole" will put the lives of others in danger, while an "idiot" will just make life miserable for everybody.

An "asshole" is not only someone who drives too fast, but also someone who is so, ummm...important...that he (and I'm saying "he" because it's usually a man) must tailgate everybody and flash his headlights to indicate that he wants you to move over. Usually this asshole is in an SUV and has no reason to own an SUV. However, the driver who keeps changing lanes because he -- or she, in this case -- isn't first in the line of cars and wants to make his -- or her -- way up to the front of the line is an idiot. So why is this person an idiot and not an asshole? Because you can have a lot of fun with this idiot -- you can slow down and speed up and for several minutes watch out of your rear-view mirror how this idiot constantly disappears and reappears behind you.

An "asshole" is someone who, upon seeing that there's a merge coming up, will get in the lane that's about to disappear in hopes to be forced into the remaining lane ahead of everybody else, especially at a red light.

The speed limit is 65mph. You're doing 75mph. An "asshole" is the person who is tailgating you because, even though you're speeding, you're still not going fast enough.

An "asshole" drives behind you with brights turned on, either during the day or at night. Actually...an "asshole" drives with brights turned on while there are other cars on the road.

Of course, I have ways of dealing with these problems, all requiring some sort of assholery on my part.

If I see that there's a merge about to happen and you decide you're getting into the disappearing lane in hopes to beat me and all the other vehicles in my vicinity, I'm not going to allow you to put our lives in danger. I'll be an asshole and move right in the middle, over both lanes.

I like to keep an egg in my car. Remember that next time you tailgate somebody. I like to make an asshole spectacle out of myself with that, especially if you're the asshole who gives me the "get out of my way" flashing headlights. I lower my window and present the egg to you. If you don't back off, I will be a first-class asshole and happily deliver the egg to you by very gently tossing it backward onto your windshield, hoping that will teach you what happens to tailgaters. I'm happy -- and shocked -- to say that to this day I haven't had to go beyond simply presenting the egg.

I haven't figured out how to out-asshole a high-beam driver, but I'll figure something out. Sure, I could pull over or in some other way force that driver to pass me and then drive behind that person with my high-beams on and blind that person just as she -- or he -- blinded me, but usually that driver will be out of sight before too long anyway. I don't know. Maybe I'll look into having a custom mirror attached to the rear of my car so that the asshole who drives behind me with high-beams on will get 'em right back in the asshole eyes. I also haven't figured out how to deal with the asshole coming TOWARD me with brights on. Flash my brights right back? Well...too risky -- it actually is illegal in this state to drive with brights turned on while there are other cars, and I'd probably get pulled over, knowing my luck.

Basically, what I'm saying is that if you're an asshole, I will be an asshole right back to you. You probably know from details on other parts of this blog that I live in New Jersey. Does that mean all of you who stay out of New Jersey are safe? Nope -- I'm moving out of this state soon. And I'm not telling you where I'm moving, so just drive safely and stop putting others' lives in danger, asshole.