Scattered Blog

The People Need to STFU Rant, Part 1: The iPhone 4

2010-07-17T03:04:00.004-04:00

No, not that I'd ever deprive anybody of one's First Amendment rights, but I am finding a lot of people who need to just, well...shut up or go away. Allow me to explain two examples I recently encountered:

1) The people causing the iPhone 4 brouhaha, and
2) The bitchers and moaners on the #22 CTA bus heading northbound at around 12:30am today.

Now, let's start with the iPhone business.

Problems: there is a bug in the code that calculates the number of bars that should display to represent the signal strength; if you hold the iPhone a certain way during an active call, the call will drop because of the way the antenna is situated; and finally, one could accidentally disconnect a call if one's cheek (face cheek, smartass!) accidentally touches the virtual "End Call" button due to a bug in the phone's sensitivity thingy. (Technical, aren't I?) As a result -- especially of the antenna problem -- it seems the world is calling for Steve Jobs's head on a lance.

I have several things to say about this:

- I'm just going to ignore the cheek problem and the signal bar problem for now; Apple has acknowledged these issues and is working on fixes; in fact, the signal bar issue has been around since the very first iPhone.

- Wow. Microsoft continually knowingly releases buggy products that constantly require patches and updates, and nobody says diddly. A phone comes out with three reported problems and suddenly Apple is the root of all evil.

- "Just don't hold it that way" -- a bit of advice that offended the masses. Come on, now; this is nothing new. Don't believe me? Go to your favorite search engine and look for "nokia 2320 user manual:" you will find instructions that tell you how NOT to hold the phone, for the same reason!

- Apple denying there was a problem -- did they flat-out say there wasn't a problem, period, or did they say THEY haven't found a problem? There's a difference between a third party thinking they found a bug and Apple finding it.

- In fact, I don't believe Apple flat-out DENIED there was a problem; in fact they announced it was a software issue. Okay, this is a bit shady, but yes, you can theoretically use software to fix a hardware problem. (Hmmm...notice how when iPod firmware is updated, sometimes the result is a longer battery charge? So it goes to show that sometimes you can affect hardware with software.)

- There are reports that an anonymous developer leaked to the media that the development team knew all along that there were antenna problems, but the powers that be wouldn't listen to them. Okay, then why did this come out only after news got out that there were antenna problems? Why did the anonymous developer not warn us sooner?

- Speaking of leaking (unintentional rhyme, but damn, am I impressed!)...what about the prototype that was left behind in a bar? (Tell me that wasn't a setup.) Gee, I don't remember Gizmodo talking about the antenna problems. Makes me think that the brouhaha is more of a molehill than a mountain.

- Put a piece of insulating tape -- electrical tape, duct tape, whatever -- over the little black lines on the side of the iPhone. "I shouldn't have to do that!," I hear people say. CAN you do it? Then STFU and do it. These are the same people who bitch about, say, other people not volunteering to help clean up after a party, yet when you ask these people, "Did you ask anybody to help?" they say, "Well, I shouldn't have to." Oh, shut your face and do it if you have to.

- Another solution: put a bumper on the phone. Apple is giving those away with iPhone 4s now and is refunding the price to anybody who bought 'em before yesterday's press conference.

- "I demand a refund!" No problem -- there's a 30-day return policy; the iPhone 4, at the time of this writing, hasn't even been out for 30 days.

- The dropped call problem an issue that is only affecting some users. Thing is, Apple sold so many iPhone 4s at once -- more than they've ever sold before -- that it seems like more people are finding this bug all at the same time than usual, so it appears bigger than it is. And that it's not affecting everybody became very apparent to me yesterday when I personally tested three different iPhone 4s and tried my damnedest to disconnect phone calls that I made. I gave the phone the famous death grip that's causing all the problems. I tried with both my right and left hands. I even attempted to crush the damn thing. Result: call stayed connected, and when I watched the screen when I did this, signal bars didn't budge. (I also couldn't disconnect a call with my cheek, for the record.)

- Oh, and gee...people seem to not realize the exact same issue happened with the iPhone 3GS, yet nobody said a word. Hmmm. Go figure. Well, OK, to be fair, it wasn't the exact same issue -- the iPhone 4 problem happens on the left side of the phone, but the 3GS problem happens on the right side.

So everybody, just shut. the. fluorine. up.

My next STFU rant will be an extreme rarity: I'll be defending the Chicago Transit Authority.

Kick-Ass Beach Boys Song #2: "Marcella"

2010-06-17T16:29:00.002-04:00

As there are merely hours left before Brian Wilson's birthday, it occurs to me that it's been a long time...a really long time...since I've discussed a "kick-ass Beach Boys song," and that was only the first one!

My last KABBS was "Surfin' USA" for what it was at the time and what it still means to this day, even for hodads like me who have never been on surfboards, unless you count a Boogie Board. This time, though, I need to draw attention to the next decade.

In 1972, the Beach Boys released an album called Carl and the Passions - "So Tough". It was an odd one for several reasons. First of all, the Beach Boys' name did not appear on the cover. (That's right, young 'uns -- that CD you have is an inaccurate representation of the original cover! The stenciled band name was added when Caribou reissued the album on CD in 1990.) Certainly that omission caused some confusion. Second, the album only had eight songs. Third, in the United States it was packaged as a double-album with a reissue of Pet Sounds, which meant that if you wanted to buy the new Beach Boys album that had only 8 songs, you had to buy Pet Sounds with it and pay for a double-LP. Perhaps the inclusion of Pet Sounds was to make up for the fourth oddity about this album: not much from Brian Wilson. Yeah, he's listed as one of the producers and a background vocalist, but he only had two songs on the album; at the time, this album had less input from Brian Wilson than any other new Beach Boys album.

However, one of the two songs he contributed, "Marcella," is pure gold. Based mainly on a then-unreleased song from 1969 or 1970 called "I Just Got My Pay," "Marcella" has a good driving rhythm with some nicely layered vocals, including a soulful Dennis Wilson countermelody that really stands out at the end of each verse. Just good, raw rock'n'roll. Sure, the track has some oddities, like the weird wordplay that's characteristic of many songs whose lyrics are cowritten by then-manager Jack Rieley, and the intro is very weird (single a high-pitched chord that sounds like a sledgehammer hitting the post of a chain-link fence), but once you get past that, pure enjoyment.

You want a true kick-ass experience? Get yourself a copy of Greatest Hits Volume Three: The Best of the Brother Years. Next time you go for a drive, pop it in the CD player. Now, crank the bass up...all the way up. And turn the volume up loud enough for you to enjoy it, but not loud enough that you ruin your ears. And keep the windows ROLLED UP. (You'll know the bass is forward enough and the volume is loud enough if you start to suspect your rearview mirror might rattle off the windshield or you're afraid your windows might shatter. Don't worry -- they won't.) Something about the mix or the mastering on this particular CD really packs an extra punch that you don't get on the other CD releases of "Marcella."

Or perhaps enjoy the version from the 1973 album The Beach Boys In Concert. The weird chord at the beginning is replaced by a really cool rock'n'roll riff on an electric guitar.

Is Brian Wilson performing near you soon? Then go to his concert -- he usually has "Marcella" in his set. (Word on the street is he loves performing that song.) The arrangement his band uses is basically the same as the version on In Concert except in the beginning, Brian plays some doo-wop chords on his keyboard with Taylor Mills improvising a wordless vocal over it. For the choruses, Paul Mertens whips out his diatonic A harp. And dig Mike D'Amico belting out the "Marcella, he-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-y" vocal during the end of the song..and count yourself lucky if Scott Bennett is designated to play the guitar solo that night. Wow. Just wow.

The Beatles' Definitive CD Versions: The 1966 Single

2010-05-22T09:47:00.001-04:00

When you consider all that happened, 1966 was a pretty dark year for The Beatles and their fans. The "more popular than Jesus" comment was taken out of context. The trip to The Philippines proved to be disastrous, to say the least. Exhausted from touring, The Beatles as a touring unit threw in the towel, ending after John allegedly played the opening riff of "In My Life" at the end of the Candlestick Park concert that August. Unless you count the Capitol compilation Yesterday And Today and the U.S. singles taken from various releases, The Beatles' only audio releases of 1966 were Revolver and the single "Paperback Writer" b/w "Rain." Fans and the media were wondering if this meant the end of The Beatles. In a way it was, but in another way it was the rebirth of The Beatles.

The CDs and abbreviations used this time around for the whopping two songs:

PM87 - Past Masters, Vol. 1, compiled in 1987 and released in 1988 to include Beatles tracks that didn't appear on the canonical album catalog.

SINGLE - The Complete Singles Collection, a box set from 1992 that compiled all the Beatles' singles on mini-CDs, complete with reproductions of the picture sleeves.

RED - the "red album," officially called 1962-1966 and sold as a two-CD set in 1993 despite the ability to easily fit the entire contents on one CD.

1 - the 2000 album that compiled the officially-recognized #1 hits from The Beatles in both the U.S. and U.K. Beatles fans the world over knew this album would be a huge flop (case in point: 1982's 20 Greatest Hits). Check the RIAA site to see what a flop it was.

MM - Mono Masters, the mono equivalent to Past Masters found in the box set The Beatles In Mono.

PM09 - Past Masters, 2009 remastered edition.

PAPERBACK WRITER

MONO VERSIONS:
SINGLE:
Good punchy sound, good equalization.

MM:
Still good, but the drums and bass have some extra punch that give the track more energy.

STEREO VERSIONS:
PM87:
Why were so many of the Beatles' single tracks given poor stereo mixes? The sound is pretty unbalanced.

RED:
Still not a great sound balance (why pan the drums hard-left and the bass hard-right?), but the sound is a marked improvement over PM87. It even sounds like this version was sourced from an earlier master.

1:
Sounds a lot like RED but more bassy. The vocals sound more sibilant, though, so the treble is just a skosh too high.

PM09:
I can't really tell the difference between this version and RED. Definitely brighter than PM87 without the vocal sibilance of 1.

Worst mono version: CD Singles Collection
Really tough decision -- yet another instance of picking the "less good" version.

Best mono version: Mono Masters
Overall a great sound on both mono versions, but the extra punch in the drums and bass push the latest mono version slightly over the edge.

Worst stereo version: Past Masters Vol. 1 (1987)
A relatively primitive mastering emphasizes the lack of balance among the instruments and vocals.

Best stereo version: 1
In terms of overall cleanliness and brightness, all the stereo versions after 1987 are good, but the emphasis on the bass wins me over on 1; also, the uneven balance doesn't sound as bad.

Definitive CD version of "Paperback Writer": Mono Masters
The mono version easily wins out. You can hear every instrument very nicely and cleanly. It's nice to hear the taps at the end of the second verse, mixed out in the stereo version. Also, the song is several seconds longer in mono, giving the fans more music to enjoy. Finally, you gotta love the echo effect at the end of each verse, which you just don't get on the stereo version. Classic!

RAIN

Anybody who calls Ringo "the least talented Beatle" obviously hasn't heard his drumming on this track. His style here is almost robotic. "Rain" is basically John's "Paperback Writer:" Lennon says the same thing McCartney says with "Paperback Writer" but in his own unique way, both musically and lyrically.

MONO VERSIONS:
SINGLE:
Good sound balance, but could use better equalization. Needs more treble!

MM:
Unfortunately, we don't have good EQ here, either. But as is typical with most of the mono tracks in the 2009 reissues, the bass has some extra emphasis yet without overpowering the rest of the sound.

STEREO VERSIONS:
PM87:
Just seconds into this track, you'll learn who the true star of the stereo version of "Rain" is: the tambourine. Eep...

PM09:
The only noticeable difference with this version is that John's vocal sounds a tiny bit brighter; everything else is the same.

Worst mono version: The CD Singles Collection
Truth be told, both mono versions are kind of...blah...but this one more so.

Best mono version: Mono Masters
Just a tad bit better than the version on the single box, with the stronger bass line.

Worst stereo version: Past Masters Vol. 1 (1987)
But not much worse than...

Best stereo version: Past Masters (2009)
The slightly cleaner sound on John's voice made me pick this version.

Definitive CD version of "Rain": Mono Masters
I hate to say it, but the stereo versions of "Rain" are just terrible. Once the vocals come in, the backing track is almost inaudible. The mix is very poorly balanced -- the backing track and lead vocals on the left, backing vocals and tambourine on the right...who does that?! The mono mix isn't anything to write home about, either, with its desperately-needed equalization. It's a shame that one of Lennon's finest moments doesn't get more respect.

The Beatles' Definitive CD Versions: The 1965 Singles

2010-05-03T21:05:00.002-04:00

The CDs and abbreviations this time around:

PM87 - Past Masters, Vol. 1, compiled in 1987 and released in 1988 to include Beatles tracks that didn't appear on the canonical album catalog.

SINGLE - The Complete Singles Collection, a box set from 1992 that compiled all the Beatles' singles on mini-CDs, complete with reproductions of the picture sleeves.

RED - the "red album," officially called 1962-1966 and sold as a two-CD set in 1993 despite the ability to easily fit the entire contents on one CD.

CAPITOL (mono) - mono mixes from The Capitol Albums, Vol. 1 from 2004, specifically Beatles VI.

CAPITOL (fake stereo) - Back in the '60s, if a stereo mix wasn't available for a song, engineers would apply crazy EQ and other effects to simulate stereo, and the result was usually atrocious. The "fake stereo" designation will refer to any tracks from The Capitol Albums from the "stereo" albums but are really processed mono. When I compare "best mono," "best stereo," etc. versions, anything that's actually fake stereo will be considered mono.

CAPITOL (stereo) - if you can't figure out what I mean by this after reading my explanations for the other two Capitol designations, then you really need to put down the joint and come back after you sober up.

1 - the 2000 album that compiled the officially-recognized #1 hits from The Beatles in both the U.S. and U.K. Beatles fans the world over knew this album would be a huge flop (case in point: 1982's 20 Greatest Hits). Check the RIAA site to see what a flop it was.

MM - Mono Masters, the mono equivalent to Past Masters found in the box set The Beatles In Mono.

PM09 - Past Masters, 2009 edition, the two-volume remastered version.

YES IT IS

The B-side of "Ticket To Ride," there's not much more to say about this song other than it was, as Lennon once said, a failed attempt to come up with another "This Boy." There's nothing wrong with this track, mind you, it's just not the most standout song in the catalog. There are some things, I suppose, I need to mention: three-part harmonies, first time blah blah tone pedal blah blah George still figuring out blah blah, song possibly about a dead girlfriend/wife blah blah...

MONO VERSIONS:
SINGLE:
Good, full sound; balanced EQ; nice, even mix of vocals and instrumentation.

CAPITOL (mono):
The version that ended up on the mono Beatles VI doesn't really sound much different from the single version. The sound is still nice and full, and the EQ is respectable. There may be a bit more reverb and maybe a bit more on the high-end (unnecessarily), but overall, a pretty good playback. There is a bit more noticeable hiss, though, so either the version in the singles box was noise-reduced, or the American version suffers from the usual generational loss.

CAPITOL (fake stereo):
A horrible high-on-the-left, low-on-the-right reverb-laden fake stereo mix. Yes, I listened to this with headphones, and yes, one might have a different experience with speakers, but trust me, no matter how you listen to it, the result is bad. Yes, it is!

MM:
Again, a good, balanced sound with tasteful equalization -- which is a nice surprise, considering how much of the 2009 mono masters are sorely lacking in treble. The sound is slightly brighter than that of the singles box version.

STEREO VERSIONS:
PM87:
The stereo mix is really nice; it sounds quite ambient, and there isn't much in terms of hard panning. I hear an acoustic guitar in the left channel that I couldn't hear on the mono versions. There are a few dropouts, though. No noticeable hiss. The clarity is surprisingly good -- at the end, you can actually hear George's foot on the volume pedal.

PM09:
Even cleaner and brighter than PM87 -- there are only two or three dropouts throughout the whole track. However, I noticed that George's foot isn't as audible as on PM87!

Worst mono version: The Capitol Albums Vol. 1 ["stereo"]
Fake stereo at its second-worst. (For its first-worst, listen to the Beatles '65 "stereo" mixes of "She's A Woman" and "I Feel Fine."

Best mono version: Mono Masters
Plain and simple, a pleasure to listen to.

Worst stereo version: Past Masters Vol. 1 (1987)
But despite being "worst" (or should I say, "worse," because there are only two true stereo versions?), it's still not bad.

Best stereo version: Past Masters (2009)
Clarity and ambient, tasteful stereo separation -- really nice.

Definitive CD version of "Yes It Is": Past Masters (2009)
Yaaay -- the first instance in this little project of having both mono and stereo versions being from the newest set of reissues! Apple did this one right in 2009, especially the stereo version.

I'M DOWN

What do you do when the Little Richard song you've been using as a concert closer gets stale? You write your own Little Richard song to end with!

MONO VERSIONS:
SINGLE:
In terms of sound, not bad. Driving rhythm, good vocals, although there might have been a lot of noise reduction used on this version. It seems that through most of the song, though, the only audible instruments are drums, bongos, and bass; even the organ is pretty low-key until Lennon's solo.

MM:
A bright recording that once again de-emphasizes the organ. It almost sounds as if this version were mastered from an earlier generation; maybe the single version indeed was noise-reduced on the box set but not so much on MM?

STEREO VERSIONS:
PM87:
Actually, this isn't a bad recording -- nice, bright feel with an okay stereo balance. I do find myself wishing that the vocals were brighter, though. And that the bass and drums weren't panned hard-left. It's nice, though, how on the stereo version you can actually hear John's fingers (or elbow?) slide up and down the keyboard. I don't like that it fades out earlier, though.

PM09:
Wishing that the vocals were brighter? Wish granted! Actually, everything sounds noticeably cleaner: the vocals, the instruments, the overall sound...it sounds so fresh. Really nice. Even heard some laughter in the organ solo that I never heard before. I'm not saying it's not in the 1987 master, but it really jumped out on the 2009 master.

Worst mono version: The CD Singles Collection
I hate to say "worst" as it's still quite good.

Best mono version: Mono Masters
Just a tad bit better than the version on the single box.

Worst stereo version: Past Masters Vol. 1 (1987)
Not so much worst but least-good. (Or less-good...again with the grammar!)

Best stereo version: Past Masters (2009)
Brightness all around; to say that listening to this version is a pleasure is an understatement.

Definitive CD version of "I'm Down": Past Masters (2009)
Honestly, this was a tough decision, deciding essentially between the new mono and the new stereo masters. I went with the stereo version simply because it leapt out at me a bit more. Truth be told, listen to either, and you're in for a really nice treat. You can't go wrong.

WE CAN WORK IT OUT

If I'm being honest, I don't care for "We Can Work It Out." Too repetitive, too overplayed for me, too "so what?" for me. But it does feature a great example of Paul's songwriting on the topic at hand versus John's songwriting, and of course the earliest use of harmonium on a Beatles recording.

MONO VERSIONS:
SINGLE:
The sound is bright, but it sounds as if there's something missing. I guess the best way I can explain it is that the sound is bright yet hollow.

MM:
Okay, this is better. The treble was taken down a slight notch, but not enough to detract from the EQ. In fact, there's emphasis on the bass that's not on the single version. Very nice.

STEREO VERSIONS:
PM87:
There's something boring about this version. I don't quite know what it is, but there's something boring here. It might be in the vocals, which are panned hard-right and mixed too loudly.

RED:
A noticeable improvement over the 1987 version of Past Masters Vol. 1. The left channel (with the rhythm track) is potted up a little more, and the overall sound is brighter.

1:
Actually, this version doesn't sound too different from the "red album" version. I am noticing that the acoustic guitar in the left channel is easier to hear than on prior versions. Overall a pretty clean master.

PM09:
Slightly better than the red album version, but not as bright as the 1 version.

Worst mono version: The CD Singles Collection
Again, something is missing...

Best mono version: Mono Masters
...and it's in this version.

Worst stereo version: Past Masters Vol. 1 (1987)
Vocal channel too loud, overall sound too boring.

Best stereo version: 1
Best equalization, cleanest sound, and good balance of instruments plus vocals. (Yes, I did just take what I said about "I Feel FIne" and use it here. Got a problem with that?)

Definitive CD version of "We Can Work It Out": Mono Masters
This version has the best equalization. Also, the stereo versions have the vocals isolated to one side of the stereo, which can be distracting to hear.

DAY TRIPPER

When I first heard this song in the late '80s, for some reason I thought the guitar riff was reminiscent of early Kiss material. And of course, as with any other guitar-playing Beatles fan, when I taught myself to play guitar, this was the first riff I learned how to play.

Perhaps the rabid fans' favorite moment is the part on the line "Tried to please her" in which there's a sudden dropout of tambourine in what sounds like might be a bad edit. On stereo versions the dropout sounds to be isolated only to the right channel, with the tambourine, vocals, and lead guitar, so it sounds like this dropout is possibly a technical glitch that either happened during overdubs or is isolated to certain track(s) on the session tape.

MONO VERSIONS:
SINGLE:
Lots of hiss, and the equalization could use a little more treble. The infamous dropout during the last verse sticks out like a sore thumb.

MM:
Lots of hiss in the beginning that quickly goes away. A bit brighter than the single version and with more punch in the bass. The dropout is still there.

STEREO VERSIONS:
PM87:
While I've been writing about how much I wish there were more treble in the new mono remasters, on this stereo version of "Day Tripper" there's too much treble and not much bass. Overall the balance is pretty bad: too much tambourine, vocals isolated to the right channel, and the basic track on the left channel is too far in the background.

RED:
The left channel is mixed a bit louder than on PM87, the bass is slightly more audible, and the hiss at the beginning is virtually gone. As a result, the sound is noticeably better than on the 1987 version. However, the balance is still a little off.

1:
Sounds like RED but with less bass. Dropout is fixed with an edit, but if you listen carefully, you can spot said edit.

PM09:
Sounds just like RED but with the poor balance of PM87. Very clean and bright sound, though. The dropout is corrected as on 1, but the edit is either inaudible or very difficult to detect.

Worst mono version: The Complete CD Singles Collection
Yet another instance of the song not actually sounding bad, but there is a better version out there.

Best mono version: Mono Masters
Better balance of lows and highs.

Worst stereo version: Past Masters Vol. 1 (1987)
Too much treble, very unbalanced mixed.

Best stereo version: 1962-1966
Best stereo balance, best EQ, and the most recent stereo version that still has the beloved dropout.

Definitive CD version of "Day Tripper": Mono Masters (2009)
I picked the mono version because it's easier on the ears and has the best bass sound -- a driving bass truly helps this song get into its groove. And the dropout that the most fanatical listeners adore is loud and clear on this version. My ideal version of "Day Tripper" actually would be taking the best elements of the stereo mix (reverb on the vocals, which are dry on the mono version; louder vocals during the middle 8 -- the middle-8 vocals are nearly inaudible in mono) and the mono mix (driving bass line and longer fadeout).

The Beatles' Definitive CD Versions: The 1964 Singles

2010-03-27T23:34:00.001-04:00

KOMM, GIB MIR DEINE HAND

In 1964, German record label execs were complaining that they can't have ideal sales on s ongs sung in English, so to comply with their requests, George Martin had The Beatles record their two biggest hits to date, "I Want To Hold Your Hand" and "She Loves You," in German. The group was on a short break in Paris during a tour and protested having to do this task for such a trivial reason on their day off, but who's going to defy George Martin's wishes? While they were at it, the guys also recorded "Can't Buy Me Love." The two German songs were released as a single in Germany, which is why I included it in the "1964 Singles" post.

The "Komm, Gib Mir Deine Hand" vocals were overdubbed onto the "I Want To Hold Your Hand" multitracks. The lyrics were provided by a couple of Germanophones (is that a real world?) EMI outsourced; not only were the lyrics translated, but they were also changed so that there'd be a rhyme scheme in the new German version. (Indeed, do you remember the English lyrics ever saying "Oh, you are so pretty, pretty as a diamond"?)

There are two mixes: a mono mix and a stereo mix. On the stereo mix, the backing track is panned hard-left, while the vocals and handclaps are panned hard-right. Many fans have taken the "I Want To Hold Your Hand" stereo backing track as extracted from the Anthology DVD's 5.1 soundtrack and synched it up to the "Komm, Gib Mir Deine Hand" vocal track to get a stereo version of the song with centered vocals; you can actually find my attempt on one of the Tuned To A Natural E compilations.

Now, let's talk about that music, shall we?

MONO VERSIONS:
PM87:
Interesting; I don't remember it sounding this bad before; then again, I've been listening to the Something New version ever since The Capitol Albums came out. Bad EQ. Also, it sounds like the tape "breathes" in some places, know what I mean?

CAPITOL (mono):
The Something New mono version is actually a really good track. The EQ is good, with enough emphasis on the bass and the treble to make it a really exciting piece of music. As for the mix itself, there's a great balance of all the instruments and vocals. The vocals are actually pretty dry, which surprised me because I'm so used to hearing them reverbed. There might be a tape glitch or two, but not enough to affect one's enjoyment of the song.

MM:
Take all the treble out of the Something New version, press it to a record, wear the record out severely, and you have, unfortunately, the 2009 Mono Masters reissue. It vocals are very distorted, and the equalization leaves much to be desired. I dunno, maybe I have a bad CD or something? But at least I didn't notice any tape glitches. Basically, this is the 1987 version but with vocal distortion.

STEREO VERSIONS:
CAPITOL (stereo):
Extremely bright sound. Unfortunately, the vocals are too loud, especially in the headphones. At the very beginning of the track, you can hear a voice (McCartney's?) and some whispering. There's a lot of hiss on this track; I'm guessing that The Beatles overdubbed their German vocals on a copy of the original multitracks, meaning there's one generation of analog tape lost, and of course most (if not all) of the Capitol albums were mastered from copies of the British masters, which means yet another generation of tape loss on this track, so it's understandable that there's noticeable hiss.

PM09:
Again with the bad mastering on the 2009 version -- what the heck?! The left channel sounds noise-reduced beyond all recognition, and there's just no equalization to speak of; it's all middle. The vocals sound a bit distorted, but not as distorted as on MM.

Worst mono version: Mono Masters
Uck. That's all I can say. Uck.

Best mono version: The Capitol Albums, Vol. 1
If you thought the 2004 box set releases of the American albums were unnecessary, you were sorely mistaken. Because of The Capitol Albums, we have a good-sounding version of "Komm, Gib Mir Deine Hand."

Worst stereo version: Past Masters (2009)
I guess the German songs were considered a novelty or something; why else did they obviously get no care and attention on the reissue campaign?

Definitive CD version of "Komm, Gib Mir Deine Hand": The Capitol Albums, Vol. 1 (mono)
The bright EQ, nice balance, and the intact excitement make the version from the mono Something New win out. The EQ easily puts it over the top against the 1987 and 2009 issues. As for mono over stereo? Quite simply, the stereo mix isn't balanced very well at all.

SIE LIEBT DICH

I don't care what any of the fan sites' conspiracy theories say, The Beatles rerecorded the backing track for this song because the "She Loves You" multitracks simply no longer existed; they were stolen, erased, or just plain lost, depending on whom you believe. If you don't believe me that the backing tracks are different, just listen -- it's very obvious. If you still don't believe me, refer to your Mark Lewisohn book.

Now...in Germany, this was the B-side of "Komm, Gib Mir Deine Hand." "Sie Liebt Dich" was nowhere to be found in England in 1964 as a domestic product. In the United States, though, it found its way onto a Swan single, with "I'll Get You" on the B-side. You see, Swan argued that they had the right to release "She Loves You" on a single, and the label argued that because "Sie Liebt Dich" is the same song (just in a different language), then they had the right to release it as a single. However, the folks at Swan obviously didn't feel like arguing that logic to the blokes at EMI, as there's no record that they ever asked for a copy of the master, and in fact the Swan single was a copy of an Odeon record from Germany -- which is why Swan's release of "Sie Liebt Dich" didn't sound terribly good! I do believe EMI issued a cease and desist to Swan, saying that Swan had the right to release the master of "She Loves You" as a single -- "Sie Liebt Dich" obviously was not the "She Loves You" master!

The next time we got to hear the song in the States was in 1980, on a Capitol Records compilation called Rarities, which included a stereo mix of the song. As with "Komm, Gib Mir Deine Hand," the stereo mix of "Sie Liebt Dich" pans the backing track to the left and the vocals to the right.

MONO VERSION:
MM:
There's definitely some emphasis on the bass on this version. In fact, the lows sound distorted, and the vocals sound distorted. No audible tape glitches; however, in some parts of the song, it sounds like the recording was mastered from a record, but in other parts the sound is pretty clean. The EQ definitely could benefit from some treble.

STEREO VERSIONS:
PM87:
What? You thought this was a mono version? Because it says that in the liner notes? And it sounds like mono to you? Well, apparently this is actually a very, very tight stereo mix. Sounds like mono to me. Oh well. EQ is okay, but it sounds like there are a lot of tape glitches. Actually, the last "Ooooooooooh!" does sound like it's isolated to the left channel.

PM09:
Definitely has a full, wide stereo separation. The instruments are hard-left, and the vocals are hard-right. The EQ is much better than on both MM and PM87, the vocals are much cleaner than on MM, and the tape glitches present on PM87 are gone here.

Worst version: Mono Masters
Because it's debatable as to whether the 1987 version is stereo or mono, I'm not doing a best/worst mono/stereo here. MM has absolutely the worst sound, period. The bass and vocals are darn near unlistenably distorted, and the equalization is terrible.

Definitive CD version of "Sie Liebt Dich": Past Masters (2009)
Bright sound throughout, no tape glitches, and no distortion. Yeah, the stereo separation makes for awkward listening -- especially with headphones -- but it's definitely the most enjoyable version.

I FEEL FINE

Yeah, yeah, accidental feedback, blah blah blah...but I hesitate to call it "feedback." True guitar feedback is definitely not anything like what's at the beginning of "I Feel Fine." I think what happened, rather, was that the plucking of Paul's A string on his bass was picked up by the A string on one of the other guitars, and because the two strings were perfectly in tune with each other, the 6-string's A-string started vibrating and ergo audibly sounded. That's not feedback, my friends. That's just plain cool. It's also what makes it possible for the human voice to break glass. But whatever caused this avant garde opening to happen, it certainly contributed greatly to what arguably could be considered a Perfect Beatles Song.

Yeah, it's great that September 9, 2009 saw the remastering of The Beatles' canonical catalog, but we still don't have the "whisper" version of "I Feel Fine" -- that is, the version that appeared on the European releases of the "red" album and on which you can hear some whispering before any music starts. Most references specify that it was the British version, but I have a red vinyl pressing from France that has the whispering at the beginning. Anyhoo....

MONO VERSIONS:
SINGLE:
It sounds to me as if the version in the singles box (which, I assume, is the same version used to press the original UK single) were mastered with A.M. radio in mind. I'm not saying this is a bad thing -- in fact, there's something exciting about this song. You can almost feel how exciting it was to hear this song coming out of a transistor radio. It's an amazingly clean recording; you can hear each instrument very distinctively. Yeah, there could be some more treble, but it's a damn fine recording nonetheless.

EP:
Sounds like there's less reverb in the intro. Definitely more bass than on the single version, maybe a bit more treble. Nice recording. Sounds like it might have been mastered with the home listener in mind rather than the A.M. radio listener, know what I mean? I guess you could say it sounds a bit more danceable than the single version.

CAPITOL (mono):
Holy reverb, Batman; The Fab Four must have recorded this in a cavern! Okay, this is one song from which Dave Dexter's engineering goons really should have stayed away. I don't know how to explain it, but the reverb makes this song sound less...real. Less honest. Think of a rainy day in New York City; that's what this version sounds like.

CAPITOL (fake stereo):
Oh, dear God, what did The Beatles do to deserve the hack job that Capitol did on this? And how dare they call it "stereo"?! Forgive Dave Dexter and his staff, Lord; they knew not what they did. Actually, scratch that -- please don't forgive them. Ouch. High/low fake stereo plus duophonic echo delay plus excessive reverb equals cheapening of The Beatles equals unhappy Sean. (Excuse me while I go clean out my ears, now; this bad fake stereo made my earwax run.)

MM:
*Whew!* Much better. This is by far the cleanest-sounding mono version, in that it's definitely not laden with noise reduction, no noticeable tape glitches, just very clean. You can actually hear the plectrum strike the strings on John's guitar right at the end of the instrumental break. However, the equalization needs help. As usual, more treble, please. The bass is pretty cool, though.

STEREO VERSIONS:
PM87:
Nice clean recording, could use a bit more EQ balance. "I Feel Fine" definitely sounds cool in stereo. I do wish the drums were a bit louder. The lead guitar overpowers everything during the instrumental break.

RED:
The vocals sound a bit brighter than on PM87. Lead guitar is still a bit overpowering, and I'm severely underwhelmed by the drums.

1:
The 1 version sounds incredibly bright and clean from the beginning. The bass is a little more pronounced than before. Drums are, thankfully, more audible; the overall stereo balance is a little better than on prior stereo CD releases. Brightness all around. John's vocals are so clear you can actually hear the saliva -- whether that's good or bad is up to you!

PM09:
Certainly an improvement over PM87 and the red album, but not over 1. The equalization isn't as good, and there's noticeably more hiss from the beginning and lasting all the way through. The balance isn't that great -- the vocals overpower the song, and most of the backing instruments are hard to hear; the exceptions, as usual, being John's and George's guitars.

Worst mono version: The Capitol Albums, Vol. 1 (fake stereo)
Maybe it was Dave Dexter taking out his frustration on The Beatles? After all, he didn't want to sign them. Brian Epstein went over his head to his boss. That's the only logical explanation I can think of: revenge.

Best mono version: The Compact Disc EP Collection
Barely edging out Mono Masters, this version has the best overall sound, with the excitement jumping out quite well.

Worst stereo version: Past Masters Vol. 1 (1987)
Not the best sound in the world, and the guitars are too overpowering.

Best stereo version: 1
Best equalization, cleanest sound, and good balance of instruments plus vocals.

Definitive CD version of "I Feel Fine": 1
Hands-down, noticeably the best version all around.

SHE'S A WOMAN

The "I Feel Fine" / "She's A Woman" single combination is one of several that exemplifies an amazing pairing of John Lennon and Paul McCartney each saying the same thing in their own ways; if not lyrically, then musically. We had similar pairings with "Paperback Writer" and "Rain," "Hey Jude" and "Revolution," and perhaps most strikingly, "Penny Lane" and "Strawberry Fields Forever." This, ladies and gentleman, is a hell of a combo.

That's all I need to say, except that if you're an obsessive collector, there's an interesting outtake of "She's A Woman" on Unsurpassed Masters Vol. 2 that will make you think that Robert Plant took over the vocals at one point.

MONO VERSIONS:
SINGLE:
Right away I didn't care much for the sound. The intro chords sounded as if they were coming from a Hills Bros. coffee can. When the body of the song kicks in, though, the sound is a bit better, with a great bass line. As with many mono singles, it sounds as if it were mastered with A.M. radio in mind. Not the best EQ, but there is an overall good balance of all instruments and vocals.

CAPITOL (mono):
Again with the reverb, Capitol, what the hell?! EQ needs help, too -- too much high and middle, not enough low. All the reverb tends to drown out the piano. During the first refrain, somehow the vocals are noticeably overpowered; probably again blurred by the reverb.

CAPITOL (fake stereo):
Dave Dexter was a murderer; his engineers hit men. Need I say more?

MM:
This would be an amazing listen, if it only were for more treble in the equalization. It also sounds severely noise-reduced.

STEREO VERSIONS:
PM87:
Again, could use a bit more EQ balance. Interestingly, the vocals sound most affected by poor EQ. Most of the instruments and vocals balance nicely, but the maracas are too loud, and the piano is too quiet.

EP:
From the stereo bonus EP from the EP box, that is. The overall sound is a huge improvement over PM87. Also, we get something that's not on any other CD version legally released: a count-in. Maracas are still too loud and piano too soft, but still a good listening experience.

PM09:
Certainly the loudest-mastered of all the version, but still pretty good sound. The EQ isn't as good as on the EP version, but the sound itself is crisper and cleaner. The maracas aren't overpowering, and the piano is actually at a nice level.

Worst mono version: The Capitol Albums, Vol. 1 (fake stereo)
Yuck. I think when it's my time to go, the first thing I'll do is find Dave Dexter and asked why, oh why he felt it necessary to slaughter a classic.

Best mono version: The Complete Singles Collection
Mono Masters would have won if it didn't sound so noise-reduced.

Worst stereo version: Past Masters Vol. 1 (1987)
Did people not believe in equalization?

Best stereo version: Past Masters (2009)
What put this over the top was the clean sound and even balance of all the elements of the song.

Definitive CD version of "She's A Woman": Past Masters (2009)
I think the mono version itself is more exciting, but the only way I could imagine that winning this contest is if you had a playback system that enables you to crank up the treble -- it truly is exciting. However, since not everybody has that luxury, I have to go with the version that sounds the best without any tweaking. The new Past Masters version wins.

The Beatles' Definitive CD Versions: The 1963 Singles

2010-03-14T00:27:00.003-05:00

So, I finally get a chance to analyze The Beatles' 1963 output in singles. It took a while, mainly because most of the single tracks have appeared on numerous Beatles CDs. Just to give you an idea of what I was dealing with, I have roughly a 45-minute commute home using the local mass transit system. Well, I worked on part of this project on the way home, and listening to "She Loves You" alone took almost the entire train ride. And I'm sure that if I had the headphones turned up loud enough, whoever was sitting next to me must have been ready to kill me.

For this round, I dealt with the following Beatles singles:

"From Me To You" b/w "Thank You, Girl"
"She Loves You" b/w "I'll Get You"
"I Want To Hold Your Hand" b/w "This Boy"

You may have noticed I left out "Please Please Me" b/w "Ask Me Why." I'll cover these when I take care of the Please Please Me album. But the six single tracks have been released on several different CD releases over the years; here's a guide to them and abbreviations I'll be using to keep things nice and tight:

PM87 - Past Masters, Vol. 1, compiled in 1987 and released in 1988 to include Beatles tracks that didn't appear on the canonical album catalog.

SINGLE - The Complete Singles Collection, a box set from 1992 that compiled all the Beatles' singles on mini-CDs, complete with reproductions of the picture sleeves.

EP - The Compact Disc EP Collection, just like the singles box but a compilation of EPs. The EPs that are apropos to this installment of my obsessive analysis are The Beatles' Hits, The Beatles' Million Sellers, and a "bonus" EP included in the set of stereo mixes, simply titled The Beatles.

RED - the "red album," officially called 1962-1966 and sold as a two-CD set in 1993 despite the ability to easily fit the entire contents on one CD.

CAPITOL (mono) - mono mixes from The Capitol Albums, Vol. 1 from 2004. Albums within this set that apply to this entry are Meet The Beatles! and The Beatles' Second Album.

CAPITOL (fake stereo) - Back in the '60s, if a stereo mix wasn't available for a song, engineers would apply crazy EQ and other effects to simulate stereo, and the result was usually atrocious. The "fake stereo" designation will refer to any tracks from The Capitol Albums from the "stereo" albums but are really processed mono. When I compare "best mono," "best stereo," etc. versions, anything that's actually fake stereo will be considered mono.
CAPITOL (stereo) - if you can't figure out what I mean by this after reading my explanations for the other two Capitol designations, then you really need to put down the joint and come back after you sober up.

1 - the 2000 album that compiled the officially-recognized #1 hits from The Beatles in both the U.S. and U.K. Beatles fans the world over knew this album would be a huge flop (case in point: 1982's 20 Greatest Hits). Check the RIAA site to see what a flop it was.

MM - Mono Masters, the mono equivalent to Past Masters found in the box set The Beatles In Mono.

PM09 - Past Masters, 2009 edition, the two-volume remastered version.

Now, on to the music; if you want the extremely lengthy details, click here:

FROM ME TO YOU

Worst mono version: Past Masters, Vol. 1 (1987)
Just plain bad sound.

Best mono version: 1
Quite simply, this version has the best EQ and overall sound clarity.

Definitive CD version of "From Me To You": Past Masters (2009)
There was something I always loved about the reverb on the stereo version. It's hard to describe, but it sounds different from any other reverb that I've heard on any other Beatles song. Plus, the sound on the stereo Past Masters is very clean; really, you'd think it was mastered by Paul's grandfather.

THANK YOU, GIRL

Worst mono version: The Capitol Albums, Vol. 1
Partly because it sounds like it was recorded in a can of sardines, and partly because it's a fake mono mix, in that Dave Dexter's goons just took the stereo mix and combined the two channels to make a mono version. Boooooooo!

Best mono version: The Compact Disc EP Collection
Best EQ overall and with the least amount of distracting noise and tape glitches.

Stereo Versions
CAPITOL (stereo)
Okay, the overall sound is just plain harsh. The EQ isn't all that great, and there's too much extra reverb. Not good! Also, the playback is slow and makes the song drag a bit.

PM09:
Much cleaner stereo mix than Capitol's. Still not great, but much more enjoyable.

Definitive CD version of "Thank You, Girl": Past Masters (2009)
But admittedly, not by far. I think the overall balance sounds better on the mono mix, but the stereo version sounds cleaner, brighter, and has the harmonica parts that make the sound as a whole complete.

SHE LOVES YOU

Worst version: 1
The sudden EQ change on the "pride" edit, resulting in the sound being severely marred for the remainder of the song, make this probably the least-desirable CD version of "She Loves You."

Definitive CD version of "She Loves You": Past Masters (2009)
I think I had to judge this one on cleanliness. The various versions of "She Loves You" sound good, but unfortunately not great. Also, this one has the smoothest edits and the least drastic changes in equalization after the "pride" edit.

I'LL GET YOU

Overall, there isn't really a great-sounding version of "I'll Get You," which is a shame because it's a good song. I'd love to have a version that has the EQ of the Capitol fake stereo with the cleanliness of the single version.

Worst version: The Capitol Albums, Vol. 1
The EQ leaves much to be desired, and the extra reverb doesn't help, nor does the relative loudness.

Definitive CD version of "I'll Get You": The CD Singles Collection
But not by far, honestly.

I WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND

Worst mono version: The Capitol Albums, Vol. 1
That is, the so-called "stereo" version from Meet The Beatles! The "Dexterization" absolutely adds nothing.

Best mono version: The Compact Disc EP Collection
Taken from The Beatles' Million Sellers. Nice EQ, nice mix, almost makes me want to get up and dance -- and let me tell ya, I do not dance.

Worst stereo version: Past Masters Vol. 1 (1987)
Just a lifeless recording with vocals and lead guitar that are way too loud.

Best stereo version: Past Masters (2009)
I think a good way to describe this version is this: Take the best mono mix and make it stereo. Good sound all around, and definitely the most exciting-sounding stereo version that's ever been officially released by EMI on CD.

Definitive CD version of "I Want To Hold Your Hand": The Compact Disc EP Collection
Mind you, since 1988 the stereo version has been drilled into me. It's what was on the CD (remember, the original Past Masters came out in 1988, not 1987, although it was mixed in 1987), and ergo it's also what's been played on the radio ever since. But the mono mix definitely has the edge. Remember, "I Want To Hold Your Hand" was the first song The Beatles ever recorded on a 4-track tape, so the folks at Abbey Road were just learning how to record with it. As a result, we don't have the best balance, so the true stereo mixes have to be pretty primitive.

The mono versions, though, wow. I think my first exposure to a true mono version of "I Want To Hold Your Hand" was when I got The Capitol Albums, Vol. 1, and I listened to the mono Meet The Beatles! in my car on my way home from work. Mind you, I was not quite 30 years old at the time, but I'd been familiar with "I Want To Hold Your Hand" all my life -- I heard it everywhere: the radio, music systems in stores, lip-sync competitions (I grew up in the '80s), you name it...and to be honest with you, I got sick of it long before I became a Beatles fan in 1987. But when I heard the mono Meet The Beatles! on CD, I turned the volume up. Just the excitement...forget the lyrics, it was the music that was making the statement -- and what a statement it was. I suddenly understood what it must have been like to be a Beatlemaniac in 1964, and it only took me 17 years of being a Beatles fan to do that.

THIS BOY

Worst mono version: The Capitol Albums, Vol. 1
Specifically, I'm referring to the "stereo" mix of Meet The Beatles!
Just no. That's all I have to say.

Best mono version: Past Masters (2009)
This was a tough one. I prefer the EQ on the mono Capitol version, but I think I had to go with cleanliness, as the various elements on the recording on PM09 sound cleaner, while the Capitol version has tape glitches (not to mention a lower tape generation).

Worst stereo version: Past Masters, Vol. 1 (1987)
It's not so much that it's a bad version, just the least-good. The truth is that all the stereo versions sound very nice and are pretty clean.

Best stereo version: Past Masters (2009)
Good EQ, crisp sound throughout, and a good balance make this the best of the three stereo versions we've been given over the years.

Definitive CD version of "This Boy": Past Masters (2009)
Yes, the stereo mix has all the vocals panned to one side, which is generally frowned upon, but you know what? The newest stereo release of the song has the brightest sound and, to my ears, was the most pleasant listen of the seven versions that have been released on CD.

The Beatles' Definitive CD Versions: "Love Me Do" with Ringo on Drums

2010-03-06T00:33:00.000-05:00

In the second installment of my project to determine what, in my opinion, are the definitive CD editions of each song in The Beatles' official cannon, I figured I'd keep it easy by exploring the September 4, 1962 version of "Love Me Do" and the non-album singles from 1963. Or...at least I thought it'd be easy until I realized that a few of these songs appear on many different CDs. And on top of that, this installment would cover a lot of Beatles songs: "Love Me Do," "From Me To You," "Thank You, Girl," "She Loves You," "I'll Get You," "I Want To Hold Your Hand," and "This Boy." Wow. I think I'll just stick with "Love Me Do" for now and get back to the singles later. (This is a short enough read that I'll include all my notes and not just the rankings.)

And the first time around, it got pretty aggravating pretty fast typing out "The Compact Disc E.P. Collection" ad nauseam, so from now on I'll use some shorthand. Here's a guide to this entry's abbreviations:

MM: Mono Masters (2009)
PM87: Past Masters Vol. 1, 1987 edition
PM09: Past Masters, 2009 edition

The lineup for this version of "Love Me Do" was the classic Beatles lineup we all know. The Beatles recorded this version, and a week later re-recorded it but with Andy White on drums; Ringo was handed a tambourine. (George Martin always said that the Andy White version came first, but photographs and studio documentation published in many books reveal that the Ringo version actually came first.) Because these two versions are actually completely different performances, I will hold off on the Andy White version until I run though the Please Please Me album.

Personally, I much prefer the Ringo-on-drums version. The overall flow is much smoother than on the rather clunky and fussy performance with Andy White. The bass is much louder and provides a better groove, and the handclaps in the instrumental break give the song a little extra boost missing in the Andy White version. However, George Martin didn't like the outcome of September 4 (perhaps partly because of McCartney's obvious stage fright clearly heard in his first warbly solo line of "love me do-ooo"), so he had the guys rerecord it. The Ringo version was briefly released as a single in the U.K. on Parlophone and in Canada on Capitol of Canada. Some sources say that the Ringo version was released at all was an accident on EMI's part, and as a result they destroyed its master tape to ensure that all future releases of "Love Me Do" would be the Andy White version. Thankfully, some fairly clean vinyl (or polystyrene?) copies of the Ringo version survived, and years later a new master was made from a pristine-condition Capitol of Canada single. If I'm not mistaken, all CD releases of the Ringo version are from an even newer master made from a different copy of the single.

Having said that, "Love Me Do" pre-dates EMI's policy of not destroying session tapes. Once the mono mix was made, the multitrack session tapes were destroyed or erased for later re-use, which means that with today's technology, a stereo mix is physically impossible. So there will be no mono-stereo comparison here. But let's get down to the three different CD releases.

First of all, it surprises me that the Ringo version was not the version used in the singles box set; this means there were fewer versions for me to listen to. The September 4 recording of "Love Me Do," therefore, has only been released on three CDs so far: the original Past Masters compilation of 1987, its 2009 reissue, and the Mono Masters 2-CD set included in the box set The Beatles In Mono.

As for each version:

PM87: Even with 1987 CD technology, it's really amazing to hear just how clear the song is. Really, it's amazingly clear for being mastered from a 7-inch record pressed in 1962! There are a few spots that sound like dropouts, most likely from a tape (or record) error. I noticed for the first time that during the fade-out, after the last time we hear McCartney sing, all the sound abruptly cuts off.

MM: Overall the sound is better. The equalization is brighter, with more treble than before; unfortunately, the additional treble exposes some tape hiss, but it does make the song sound punchier. Somehow, the vocals actually sound clearer than before. The recording in general sounds cleaner, with no noticeable tape flaws. And was that an edit I heard after the instrumental break (performed, of course, with a shoplifted chromatic harmonica)? The fade-out doesn't cut out as abruptly.

PM09: What's this? Both the Mono Masters and Past Masters are in mono, and since they're both part of the same reissue campaign, logic tells us these are the exact same track, so why am I bothering to waste my time listening to each and writing about them? Well, dig this: they are not the same. First of all, the new Past Masters version is actually noticeably louder than the Mono Masters version. Second, the treble is up even more than on Mono Masters, making the harmonica solo quite harsh to listen to, especially with headphones. Third of all, the abrupt halt during the fade-out is back. And if you're of the mindset that it's only my mind and ears telling me that both 2009 versions are not the same, please note that each has a different playing time.

Worst Version: Past Masters (1987)

I was having a hard time with this one. I was actually about to declare the new Past Masters version to be the worst, due to the piercing EQ on the harmonica solo, and the fact that it was considerably louder than the other two versions...but then I remembered there's such a thing as a volume control, and nobody's stopping me from turning the volume down. So, I decided that a harsh harmonica solo for a few seconds was better than tape glitches.

Definitive Version: Mono Masters

Clean sound, bright EQ, clear vocals, no tape flaws, and what may or may not be an audible edit (fun for people who like to listen for this stuff!) put this version of The Beatles' Everly Brothers tribute over the top.

The Beatles' Definitive CD Versions: the Long Tall Sally E.P.

2010-03-02T22:46:00.001-05:00

(This is, believe it or not, the short version. If you want to read my exhaustive notes on each track, click on this link. It will be a VERY long and pointy-headed read!)

In my first post detailing my mission to seek out the definitive legally-released CD version of each Beatles song, I started with the 1964 EP Long Tall Sally. There have been so far six legally-released CD versions of the four songs that comprise this EP, all of which I auditioned for this project:

Past Masters, Vol. 1(compiled in 1987)

The Compact Disc E.P. Collection (1992)

The Capitol Albums, Volume 1 (2004) -- mono and stereo versions are included in this set

Mono Masters (2009, part of the box set The Beatles In Mono)

Past Masters (2009 remastered versions)

Now, without further ado, here are what I consider to be the best and worst mono, best and worst stereo, and overall definitive versions of each of the songs:

Long Tall Sally
Worst mono version: The Capitol Albums, Vol. 1. I hate to call it "worst" because it's still good. But it doesn't have the oomph of the E.P. box version or the cleanliness of the 2009 version.

Best mono version: Compact Disc E.P. Collection. Probably the most enjoyable of the three. None is actually bad at all.
Worst stereo version: The Capitol Albums, Vol. 1. I'm wondering if the reason, in 2004, when I heard the Capitol box set, if my mind didn't tell me that it sounds better than the 1987 CDs simply because I was very prejudiced against the sound of the 1987 CDs. Hate to say it, but the 2004 release actually sounds even worse than the 1987 one. The added reverb would have been great if it weren't for the loss of tape generation.

Best stereo version: Past Masters (2009). Thing is, though, upon close inspection, the stereo versions aren't all that great. But the newest release is the best.

Definitive CD version of "Long Tall Sally": Compact Disc E.P. Collection. First of all, mono wins out because the mono mix really emphasizes the kick-ass drumming at the end; the stereo mixes seem to bury the drumming. The not-to-be-missed driving bass line emphasized by the E.P. box mix put this version over the top.

I Call Your Name

Worst mono version: The Capitol Albums, Vol. 1. The quality itself is almost identical to that of the E.P. box, but the playback is a bit slower than usual, making it sound a bit plodding.

Best mono version: Compact Disc E.P. Collection. While the 2009 version is definitely the cleanest, it just seems that the E.P. version has a lot more punch and really grabs the listener. Again, points for emphasizing the bass line.

Worst stereo version: Past Masters, Vol. 1 (1987). The bass is mixed too far down to really enjoy the groove on this version; plus, you can hear John popping his P's a bit too much.

Best stereo version: The Capitol Albums, Vol. 1. I'm sure my opinion here will anger the purists. How dare I choose the "Dexterized," second-generation version over the purer, first-generation version! Yes, the actual audio quality of the 2009 remaster is noticeably better, but believe it or not, Dexter's remixing goons actually did make this track more exciting.

Definitive CD version of "I Call Your Name": stereo mix on The Capitol Albums, Vol. 1. Wow, I'm really putting my life in jeopardy, picking the manipulated version! But my ears, attitude, and just personal taste make me pick this version. One thing you gotta admit: on the earlier tunes the Beatles did, the bass line really is the driving force, and this version really brings out the bass line. What? The mono versions do, too? Well, truth be told, while "I Call Your Name" really is an excellent song (and in my opinion very underrated), the mono versions (and in fact, most versions) are performance and production nightmares, what with George's sloppy 12-stringing in the intro, the noticeable edits, and the double-tracking inconsistencies. The stereo versions have slightly better performances, and Capitol's reverb-laden version has perhaps the most driving groove of the six CD versions.

Slow Down

Worst mono version: The Compact Disc E.P. Collection. Really, the mix doesn't sound enjoyable at all. There's just something not right about it.

Best mono version: The Capitol Albums, Vol. 1. It was tough to decide between this and Mono Masters. To be honest with you, none of the mono versions sound particularly exciting to me. Yeah, the 2009 remaster doesn't seem to have the tape glitches that the Capitol version has, but the 2009 version is almost missing entirely an essential element of the song: the rousing piano overdub. My decision here wasn't so much which mono version was the best, but which one was the least bad.

Worst stereo version: Past Masters, Vol. 1. Too much piano and guitar solo, not enough everything else. The overall sound is just plain lifeless.

Best stereo version: The Capitol Albums, Vol. 1. Another track noticeably "Dexterized," but somehow the Dexterization actually made the sound a little bit brighter than the other two versions. The EQ is slightly better as well.

Definitive CD version of "Slow Down": stereo mix on The Capitol Albums, Vol. 1. To be honest, none of the six versions sound particularly exciting, which is a shame considering how "Slow Down" is one of the finest covers in the Beatles' catalog. The bass is really lacking, but the American stereo version does the best it can with it. The mono versions really lack punch.

Matchbox

Worst mono version: Compact Disc E.P. Collection. EQ leaves a lot to be desired, and the phasing might be distracting to some listeners, especially with headphones on.

Best mono version: The Capitol Albums, Vol. 1. Still not a great mix, but the EQ is slightly better, and the phasing errors seem to be gone.

Worst stereo version: Past Masters Vol. 1 (1987). Truth be told, none of the stereo versions actually sound bad, but this is the least-good sounding of all three. Still an enjoyable listen.

Best stereo version: The Capitol Albums, Vol. 1. To be honest, this was a tough call. The 2009 remaster sounds great, but the EQ on the Capitol version sounds a little bit brighter, pushing it over the edge.

Definitive CD version of "Matchbox": stereo version on The Capitol Albums, Vol. 1. Stereo wins out over mono, period, for several reasons, The mix is brighter in stereo. The mono mixes have some tape phasing that was obviously a technical error. Parts of George's guitar solo sound flawed in mono, but fixed in stereo. Finally, the atrocious double-tracking "puppy dog" error in mono is fixed in stereo. Yep, the mono version has a lot of errors -- yet George Martin and the Beatles themselves want us to believe the mono versions are definitive? The errors are definitive?? Admittedly, listening for the mistakes is a favorite part of listening to Beatles songs for hard-core fans, including myself. But as a whole, the stereo version wins out. Believe it or not, the Capitol version has overall the best sound, with the 2009 stereo remaster coming in a close second.

The Beatles: The Definitive Versions?

2010-02-26T23:19:00.002-05:00

Effective a couple of weeks ago, I now have all of the new Beatles CDs that came out on September 9 -- mono and stereo. So now I can begin my Beatles project:

determining the definitive CD versions of every single Beatles song (at least from the core collection of the albums Please Please Me through Let It Be).

I should add that I mean legitimate CD releases. I'm not talking about the home-made desktop pirate remasters from Mirrorspock, Dr. Ebbetts, Purple Chick, and whatever else have you. I'm talking stuff you could walk into any record/CD store and buy legally at some point in history. Perhaps I will try to do a comparison of all the "underground" remasters, needledrops, etc., and then perhaps have a show-down between the best of the pirates and the best of the legits. But man, that's going to be a lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-ong time coming.

I'm not counting Anthology, though, as that series pretty much consists of outtakes. I'm talking about actual final official takes. That means that Yellow Submarine Songtrack is fair game: they're the same exact recordings, just new mixes.

So, this all means that all of the following releases will be used for this intense study:

The original 1987 CD releases of the standard albums I mentioned before

The 2009 remastered reissues, both mono and stereo

"new generation" Beatles compilations on CD, such as Yellow Submarine Songtrack, 1, and perhaps any of the few tracks on the Love that were simply remixed and not mashed up.

The Beatles tracks on the Imagine: John Lennon soundtrack

The Complete Compact Disc EP Collection -- word is that these 1992 CDs sounded a bit better than the 1987 CDs. Is everybody right? :)

Of course, The Complete Compact Disc Singles Collection, for the same reason.

The CD reissues of the "red" and "blue" albums

The 1983 Toshiba release of Abbey Road. Yes, technically it wasn't a totally legit CD, but it was available as a mainstream CD until EMI got all legal-like on 'em, reminding Toshiba that they only had the rights to put it out on cassette.

The two The Capitol Albums box sets

And let's not forget the 1987 and 2009 CDs of Past Masters and Mono Masters.

Now, what I'm really struggling with is what to do about the Let It Be album. I'm trying to ponder whether I should include Let It Be...Naked. The Let It Be album was highly unusual in that it wasn't recorded in a formal way; most fans know the complicated story of this album. And what about the single versions of "Let It Be" and "Get Back," produced by George Martin -- is it fair to put them against the Phil Spector productions? Are they too different? And if I do include Let It Be...Naked in the running, should I also include the Let It Be outtakes that are on Anthology 3?

Anyway, I know one thing for sure: I'm going to start off easy. I'll start with the Long Tall Sally EP released in the United Kingdom in 1964. With only four tracks, Long Tall Sally will be a fairly not-so-involved study. The contents:

Long Tall Sally
I Call Your Name
Slow Down
Matchbox

That's a heck of a lineup, really -- three great covers (at least two of which were recorded and nailed in one take) and a unique Lennon original with a ska break. Now, to do this study of Long Tall Sally, I will be listening to the following CDs:

Past Masters Vol. 1 from 1987
Mono Masters
Past Masters from 2009
The Long Tall Sally disc from The Compact Disc EP Collection
Second Album (both mono and stereo) from The Capitol Albums Vol. 1
Something New (both mono and stereo) from The Capitol Albums Vol. 1

So, yeah. Every bullet point you see represents one CD. Not all four songs are on all CDs, though -- let's remember that the contents of the EP are spread over two different US albums. But even with just four songs, it's still a lot of listening.

Oh...and okay, I use the term "CD" loosely...I'll actually be using my iPod, as that's my main way of listening to music these days. (Let's face it, it's a lot easier than carrying a CD player and a bunch of CDs around all day!) I have ripped all this material in Apple Lossless format and will be listening through a $25 pair of Sony studio-style headphones that have really good frequency response; they're also good at blocking out sound. The iPod in question is a current-generation 160-gigabyte iPod Classic, using the Apple factory-installed operating system. (Besides, I don't think RockBox is yet compatible anyway.) The EQ will be set to "Rock," which I find is the optimal setting for almost all music I've ever heard through an iPod. I may or may not use "Treble Boost" for the mono albums to compensate for their lack of treble.

The CD ripping was done with a piece of software called Max via my MacBook. Max is a good ripping program -- it has a lot of error correction, unlike iTunes, which is the worst program to use for ripping. (The best, for the record, is Exact Audio Copy for PCs. It's very unforgiving. But I really didn't want to boot my PC for this project; besides, I take good enough care of my CDs that Max should have no problem at all.)

I think what I'll do is determine first of all what the definitive mono version is, what the definitive stereo version is, and which of those two I deem the more definitive.

Please understand that I recognize that at best this is a very, very obsessive project, and I'm sure that if I weren't already married, this would pretty much guarantee that I'd remain a lifelong bachelor eating stale tiramisu under a bare lightbulb while wearing nothing but underwear. And at worst, this is a highly controversial project that will make me look like a pompous ass (more than I already am, that is) and will more than likely incite war among pointy-headed Beatles fans.

Let the insanity begin.

Now that the Beatles' mainstream catalog is remastered, what's still missing?

2010-02-23T15:45:00.002-05:00

So, September 9 has come and gone, and plenty of time has passed for us fans to absorb and enjoy the new stereo and mono remasters. We can now buy all the Beatles' core collection of albums in stereo and mono, and in two cases, two different stereo mixes.

Of course, there's still a lot that's not out yet. Pointy-headed fans like me find it to be a huge, gaping hole; other fans may find the gap trivial at best; and casual listeners just don't care.

So, what's still missing? Well, there are things that we still don't have on CD but have been released, as well as stuff still in the vaults that could easily fill at least one CD.

Please be assured this is not meant to come across as a complaint essay; rather, just an enumeration of what is still begging for an audio release.

Here's what we're missing, starting with...

Released Tracks Yet To Appear (legally) On CD
Mind you, I'm only referring to material that is officially in the hands of Apple, EMI, Capitol, etc. Let's disregard, for now, the Star-Club tapes, the Decca audition, the Tony Sheridan recordings (which are available in full anyway on the Hamburg Days compilations), and videos. I'm just talking audio.

The Beatles' Christmas Album -- Why has this not been available legally since 1970? 'Nuff said.

The Capitol Albums, Vol. 3 -- In 2004, two box sets containing eight U.S. Capitol albums were released. We're still missing some key albums. "Yesterday"...and Today contained some mixes that you can't get on any other album, particularly the odd "I'm Only Sleeping" mixes. There's an entire pressing of the U.S. version of Rubber Soul, made at Capitol's East Coast facility, that has reverb all the way through; this version was not used in The Capitol Albums. People argue for the release of the U.S. version of A Hard Day's Night, arguing that although United Artists originally released the album, Capitol reissued it. And what about The Beatles' Story? And a big, gaping hole: At The Hollywood Bowl.

Some argue for the release of the Rock And Roll Music albums for the new mixes. Okay, but the problem is that the remixes were done from the final stereo mixes: George Martin took the existing U.S. stereo mixes, flip-flopped the stereo channels for some reason, added reverb, and in some cases attempted to center any panned vocals. Should this be a release candidate for CD? Maybe, maybe not.

But most of the tracks that are still missing from the Beatles' CD catalog are those that have been scattered about various global releases of Beatles compilations:

"Strawberry Fields Forever" -- I became a Beatles fan in 1987, and before everything was available on CD. My first exposure to this song was a stereo vinyl copy of Magical Mystery Tour on Capitol. However, since the Beatles' catalog was officially released in 1987, the German stereo mix of the album on the Odeon label was declared to be the official version. Now, this was a good idea, because the German mix was the first version to have true stereo versions of "Penny Lane" and "Baby, You're A Rich Man" instead of that godawful highs-in-one-channel, lows-in-the-other fake stereo. "Strawberry Fields Forever," although always available in stereo, now sounded different, however. What's cool is that the German mix is a bit longer, meaning that we hear John say "cranberry sauce" twice. Unfortunately, the vocals in this mix are pretty dry; the version I first became familiar with had slightly reverbed vocals that added a bit to the trippiness of the lyrics.

"I Should Have Known Better" in stereo -- The standard stereo mix has the famous harmonica drop-out in the intro. However, in 1982, the Reel Music compilation fixes this mistake. The completist will want both versions. Which brings me to...

"Day Tripper" -- The version that's been available on CD since 1987 -- on both the original and 2009 releases -- fixes the famous instrumental dropout of the third verse, much to many fans' chagrin. So...why did the powers-that-be fix that error but not the "I Should Have Known Better" harmonica error? Let's have 'em both!

"And I Love Her" -- What about the longer stereo mix from the Odeon version of Something New that has the main riff iterated six times at the end instead of four?

"Penny Lane" -- we have two different versions with the piccolo trumpet ending that have yet to appear on CD: the original mono mix used as a promo single, and a stereo mix done years later that has the trumpet ending tacked on. Why not put one -- or both -- of these on a buyable CD?

"I Am The Walrus" -- admittedly, there are more variations of this song than you can shake a stick at. To this day, I don't think there's a version on a legal CD that contains the extra beats between "I'm crying" and "yellow matter custard." Mono or stereo.

"All My Loving" -- we're still missing the version with the five-high-hat-tap intro.

"I Feel Fine" -- yep, the infamous "whisper version" found on European vinyl pressings of 1962-1966.

"A Hard Day's Night" -- there's a version of this song that, believe it or not, has only been released on 8-track tape. The last line is repeated several more times.

So, these are at least the highlights that I can think of, so now let's consider:

Tracks Yet To Appear (legally) On Any Audio Release
A Facebook friend recently commented that while the remasters are nice to have, Apple needs to release more unreleased stuff. I commented that they pretty much did release everything releasable, that everything else is pretty much bottom-of-the-barrel. He said I was kind of harsh with that statement, so I decided to reevaluate things that I've read about, heard on Beatles radio specials, and heard on various bootlegs.

First off, I was shocked at the 1968 demos recorded at Esher that did not make it to Anthology 3. Why no "Child of Nature?" Fans would have eaten it right up, hearing an early version of "Jealous Guy." What about "Circles?" And "Sour Milk Sea?"

Live At The BBC, Volume 2 -- Not that there necessarily was a second volume planned, but it has been approximated that there are at least 30 unique songs not included in the original collection that could make up a second volume.

"It's All Too Much" -- Somehow, the version in the movie Yellow Submarine with the "time for me to look at you" verse has inexplicably escaped legal audio release, including Yellow Submarine Songtrack.

"You Know My Name, Look Up The Number" -- Although there's a stereo mix on Anthology 2, we don't have a stereo mix of the single version. The original tapes still exist, so there's no reason this shouldn't eventually see a release.

"This Boy" -- According to Mark Lewisohn's must-own book Recording Sessions, "This Boy" was recorded with a complete ending, although the released version fades out. Heck, even the outtake released on the Real Love E.P. fades out. Let's have a studio version that comes to a complete ending.

"Strawberry Fields Forever" -- version 1 -- As most fans know, the "Strawberry Fields Forever" we all know and love is a combination of versions 2 and 3 as recorded in the studio. Version 1 has been heavily bootlegged in pristine sound quality, and it actually saw a legal release in 1995 on the Anthology 2 release; however, Apple inexplicably mixed out the nice background harmonies. Let's get a release with the missing background harmony vocals!

"Let It Be" -- Yeah, I know, we already have about seventeen different versions to pick one; problem is, none of those versions contain the line "There will be no sorrow," recorded in the basement of Apple Records on January 31, 1969, and as seen in the movie of the same title. The lyrics work better, IMHO, at the very least because they rhyme and have a nice message.

"Get Back" -- So, we have "I Want To Hold Your Hand" and "She Loves You" in German, and if you want to go outside of what Apple controls, we also have a legally-released version of "My Bonnie" in which Tony Sheridan sings the intro in German. Well, in the vaults exists a version of "Get Back" sung in (most likely intentionally badly faked) German and French. Let's round out the Foreign Fab Four collection!

"Tip Of My Tongue" -- Lewisohn doesn't make it clear as to whether this 1962 outtake still exists in the vaults, but if it does, it'd probably make an interesting addition to a Beatles compilation, if not (according to Lewisohn) a very, very bad one.

"Helter Skelter" -- yes, the 27-minute version, which I admit I'm only mentioning because so many fans are rabid for this elusive track that hasn't even made its way to a bootleg yet. Mind you, it's an earlier version than what was released, and we were given a sample of an early version of "Helter Skelter" on Anthology 3. And you know what? That early version was B-O-R-I-N-G. I suspect the 27-minute version might be along those same lines, so I for one am not foaming at the mouth in anticipation of its eventual release. (Mind you, I'm not saying I won't be running out to buy it if it does see a legal release!)

"Revolution 1" -- Of course, I'm talking about the extended version that goes on for several additional minutes. It recently leaked out over the Internet, so naturally this would be a natural track for a boot killer.

"Goodbye" -- Apple's reason for not including this nice demo on Anthology 3 was that it's a McCartney solo demo, not a demo for the group. But that doesn't explain why they did include his demo for "Come And Get It," recorded for reference for Badfinger.

"That Means A Lot" -- Apple did release arguably the better version on Anthology, but there's a re-make sitting in the vaults as well. Maybe good for historic purposes, but admittedly not for entertainment purposes.

"Bad To Me" -- How did Anthology 1 manage to get released without John's demo?

"Christmas Time (Is Here Again)" -- This is mainly for the fans who want the 27-minute "Helter Skelter." People like that will also want the complete, unedited version of this 1967 song.

"Rocker" -- a short track that's really Fats Domino's "I'm Ready." Because it was included in both of Glyn Johns' proposed lineups for the Get Back album, this is arguably a historically important unreleased track.

"Isn't It A Pity" -- Apple gave us George's demos of "Something" and "All Things Must Pass" on Anthology 3, so why did they leave this one out?

"Besame Mucho" -- On gray-market releases, we have the Decca audition version as well as a performance from the Star-Club. On Anthology 1, we have the version from the June 1962 EMI audition/recording session. I can think of two reasons to release the silly Let It Be-era version: 1) when the Let It Be album was released, it included "Across The Universe," which the Beatles did not formally record during those sessions, but they were seen playing it in the movie when they were rehearsing at Twickenham (ditto "I, Me, Mine"); and 2) Beatles fans can make their own montages that demonstrate some sort of insane evolution of the Beatles performing this song.

"Love Me Do" -- So, we have the single version, the album version, the Pete Best version, and a BBC version. It only makes sense to release yet another version! Much has been written about the slower, bluesier version recorded in January 1969 during the Let It Be sessions, so why not release it?

"Dig It" -- yet another for the obsessive completists; nay, two for the obsessive completists: the 12-minute jam partially shown in the movie Let It Be (edited down to five minutes by Glyn Johns, then under a minute by Phil Spector), and the other "Dig It" song from the same time, "Can You Dig It," the original source of the "Georgie Wood" dialog.

"Her Majesty" -- Okay, everybody, say it with me: "Missing final chord."

Candlestick Park 1966 concert -- Now, this is where things get a bit questionable, admittedly. No Beatles fan can deny the importance of this historic concert. It was not recorded formally, but a press agent was in the crowd recording it on a portable tape recorder, sometimes interjecting comments. That tape has made the rounds on bootlegs. I say, it might be a good idea to make this available perhaps as a download for the true die-hard fans for historic purposes. Word on the street is that after The Beatles finished performing "Long Tall Sally," John played the opening riff of "In My Life" before they all left the stage; if true, what a bittersweet way to end a touring career. Too bad the tape ran out before this moment happened.

"Something" -- with the little vamp-jam at the end.

"Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds" -- in the vaults exists a mono mix with the first half of the first verse sung by no other than...Jeremy Hillary Boob! I think Apple missed a big opportunity by not including this on the Songtrack.

"Dear Prudence" -- with a clean opening. The song is just too good only to be available with a jet engine interfering with the intro.

That's all I can think of at this point. I'm sure many will comment on this with some criticism and an endless supply of "What about [x] song?" ponderings, but hey, it's what I could do before falling asleep. Time now for bed before either my wife wakes up wondering where I am or the sun comes up, whichever comes first.

Musician Survey CORRECTED

2009-10-22T18:48:00.003-04:00

Another Facebook note I stole from a friend...well, not really stole, I WAS tagged!

Anyhoo....

** This one's for all you musicians out there. Answer the questions below, then tag your other musician friends so they can do the same! **

(Well, a huge segment of my friends are musicians, so rather than tag everyone...you know who you are.)

What is your main instrument?
Guitar

Other instruments?
Bass, some piano, some blues harp

Any instruments you want to play but never tried?
Theremin

How many years have you played your main instrument?
22

Did you take lessons or teach yourself?
Guitar/bass -- self-taught, although I recently took a fingerboard theory class.
Piano -- took lessons throughout college.
Blues harp -- took several blues harp classes.

Do you read sheet music or play by ear?
I CAN read sheet music and tablatures, but very slowly. I prefer by ear.

How many hours a day do you practice?
Not enough, that's for sure.

Do you write your own music?
Yes.

Do you prefer to play solo or in a group?
Usually solo, mainly because I don't have a band! I would love to have free access to an orchestra, though, because I have an arrangement of "Cuddle Up" I'd love to record some day. And most of the stuff I compose I have an entire band in mind.

In one of the blues harp classes I took, the beginning of class was an electrified jam, complete with a three-piece band. It's REALLY COOL to have a band back you up as you play Little Walter tunes on a harmonica.

Are you currently in a band?
Nope.

What was the name of your first band?
If you count the Joliet Catholic liturgy committee music group as a band, we called ourselves "Holy Jam" because we thought that name sounded cool.

If you count the band idea I have in my head that currently only has one member, no gigs, and only incomplete material, then Scattered Frog.

Who is your favorite all-time artist/band?
Artist -- Brian Wilson; band -- Beatles

Who is your favorite current artist/band?
Artist -- I would love to say Logan Whitehurst, but he died a few years ago at the age of 29, so I don't know if he counts as "current." Band -- Wondermints, although they haven't really released an album in a while.

Who is/was your greatest musical influence?
Wow...too hard to articulate...I'd love to say Brian Wilson or Lennon/McCartney, but none of my stuff sounds anything remotely like theirs. Recently I've been getting some ideas from John Prine and some local groups.

Who is your favorite musical innovator?
The staff at EMI Studios at #3 Abbey Road, circa 1962-1969. Flanging, artificial double-tracking, backwards music as an instrument, tape loops, Leslie speakers on everything...

Favorite female vocalist?
Time to embarrass a friend: my friend Bridget. Amazing voice!! She sang at my wedding. Seriously, I was more nervous asking her to sing at my wedding than I was asking Lisa to marry me!

Favorite male vocalist?
Hmmm...dunno...definitely not ME! Possibly Stevie Wonder. I'd love to have the pipes of Carl Wilson, or even a really really young Frank Sinatra.

Favorite guitar player?
Too many to pick from...Dick Dale is definitely up there, and perhaps one of the most amazing guitarists I've ever seen, either in person or on record (and in this case both), is Phil Keaggy.

Favorite bass player?
Carol Kaye, James Jamerson, and because people yelled at me for not including him the first time around, Paul McCartney

Favorite keyboard player?
Dunno; never really followed keyboard players...

Favorite drummer?
Keith Moon, by far.

Most underrated artist/band of all-time?
Wondermints

Most underrated current artist/band?
Any band Stew happens to take part in.

Most overrated artist/band of all-time?
Led Zeppelin, post-Syd Barrett-era Pink Floyd

Most overrated current artist/band?
Rascal Flatts

Which artist/band would your friends be most surprised you like?
Justin Timberlake -- at least, the hits from Justified. That stuff sounds like classic Stevie Wonder infused with Michael Jackson's Off The Wall.

Which artist/band would your friends be most surprised you dislike?
The Raspberries. Most of my Brian Wilson fan friends gasp in shock when I express my extreme loathing of that whiny-ass music. Then again, I think it's more that there's this Beatles envy among Beach Boys/Brian Wilson fans that drives people to attack anybody who mentions the Beatles and saying they're off-topic in the online fan discussions, yet threads about the f**king Raspberries go on for days.

They'd probably also be mighty surprised that I dislike Jan & Dean. I'm sorry, but the singing was just horrible. (Well, actually, I'm not sorry at all.) Off-key and too nasally. I tried to force myself to like Save For A Rainy Day but not even that has a listenable moment for me.

More thoughts on the Beatles reissues

2009-09-11T13:15:00.002-04:00

People who follow my blog are probably wondering what I mean by "more." I posted my first thoughts on my Facebook profile as a note. But if I post through my blog, it also gets crossposted to Facebook. Sorry about the confusion.

In summary, when I first listened to the mono With The Beatles and Rubber Soul, I was disappointed. The only difference I found between the 1987 and 2009 mono With The Beatles CDs was that the bass line is more prominent. The overall sound was still muddy. On the way home on September 8 (my mono box set arrived a day early!) I heard some of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band in mono; the sound quality was noticeably better, but still not great. But it was quite an experience, especially "A Day In The Life." Later that night, "Tomorrow Never Knows" on the mono Revolver literally left me speechless.

Having said that, I've been familiar with the mono stuff for quite some time. I own original pressings of the mono albums (both U.K. and U.S. versions, save Please Please Me -- I don't have $200 to spend on a gold-text Parlophone!) and have heard the Dr. Ebbetts "needle-drop" pirates, but the new release was a new experience for me. While I found the EQ to be lackluster (little to no treble -- way too much middle), the clarity is something to behold.

On 9/9/09, my wife and I bought the stereo Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band and Abbey Road CDs. I wasn't expecting Sgt. Pepper's to be a huge improvement over the 1987 CD, as the 1987 CD actually has decent sound to it. Hoo, boy...I of little faith! My wife cued up "Lovely Rita," a song I never cared for and in fact usually skip. My involuntary reaction to hearing the intro was to yell "HOLY F**K!" So much brighter and livelier!

Yesterday on the way home from work I listened to a little bit of Abbey Road on my iPod. (Don't worry -- I ripped it using Apple Lossless Codec to insure I wouldn't get the lossy compression of MP3s.) Now...I had only recently become acquainted with the 1983 Toshiba CD release of said album, which the Blue Meanies very quickly forced out of production. I had never heard Abbey Road sound so good! The 1987 CD sounded muddy. The cassette version (which flip-flopped "Come Together" and "Here Comes The Sun," btw), which I received as a Christmas present in 1987, was very drab. I have the original vinyl, and I don't care what anybody says, unless you have a very high-end, four-digit-price turntable, vinyl isn't the end-all be-all. Even the Mobile Fidelity Sound Lab half-speed master (the one MFSL album I ever bought, which I spent $60 on about five or six years ago at Beatlefest) version sounds to me like a vinyl version of the CD -- same sound quality but with none of the surface noise you'd expect on vinyl. The Dr. Ebbetts pirate CD didn't impress me, either. It just drove me up the wall that the Beatles' best album wasn't available in decent sound quality. But the Toshiba CD...wow! That was it for me!

Now...back to my way home from work. I had both the Toshiba and 2009 official versions on my iPod. I did an A/B comparison of the two. The Toshiba has slightly better EQ in that there's more high-end, but unfortunately this means there's a lot more hiss and sibilance. The EQ on the 2009 CD is good enough to listen to, but there's no hiss, and the overall sound is the clearest I've ever heard. So I made an executive decision: the 2009 version is the canonical version, as far as I'm concerned. I later removed the Toshiba version from my iPod and iTunes and will eventually purge it from my CDs.

Next I listened to the mono Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band all the way through. Again, not the greatest EQ, but comparatively better than most of the rest of the mono box. And to tell you the truth, it confirmed what I always believed about the mono version: despite what George Martin and The Beatles have said for decades, the mono version is NOT the best way to hear it.

Except for "She's Leaving Home," which plays back slow on the stereo version, the album sounds slowed down a tad. (I have perfect pitch; trust me on this!) But I was reminded of all the mistakes on the mono versions of various Beatles albums that were fixed on the stereo versions. The audience effects on Sgt. Pepper's come in pretty abruptly, while on the stereo version they fade in and out nicely. The transition from "Good Morning, Good Morning" to the reprise of the title track is atrocious on the mono mix but smooth on the stereo. There's a cough in the mono version of "Norwegian Wood" that was fixed in stereo. There are double-tracking vocal flubs in "Matchbox" and "Slow Down" that are either fixed or lessened in the stereo versions but very obvious in the mono versions. The intro of "I Call Your Name" is very sloppy on the mono version (and to be honest with you not so hot on the stereo version of the U.S. album Something New) but fixed on the standard stereo version. "Don't Pass Me By" plays back too fast on the mono version, and the violinist screws up at the end; on the stereo version the playback is at normal speed and the violin part is flawless throughout. Don't get me wrong -- listening for these anomalies actually makes the experience very enjoyable for me; I love it...but why does the Beatles' producer insist that the versions with the mistakes are definitive? (Of course, I know of a few very famous exceptions to the rule -- "Please Please Me," "I Should Have Known Better," and "If I Fell" have some well-loved mistakes in stereo that are not present in mono.)

Having said all that, I think the stereo version of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band is definitive. The Beatles went from clean-shaven, gray-suited moptops to mustachioed (thanks to Paul McCartney's wipe-out on a motorcycle), colorful musical innovators almost overnight. Seriously, the transition from 1966 Beatles to 1967 Beatles is like the transition of The Wizard of Oz from sepiatone to color. It only makes sense to admire The Beatles' new masterpiece in that newfangled stereo, especially with the panning effects used on "Good Morning, Good Morning" and "A Day In The Life." (The exception to my sentiments: "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds," which has some marvelous flanging effects in mono but not in stereo; the flanging was done manually and live during the mono mixing; the folks at EMI didn't want to deal with that hassle when they went back and did the stereo mix! The stereo remix on Yellow Submarine Songtrack brings the flanging back, though, and is very faithful to the mono version.) And the sound on the new stereo CD just seals the deal.

Today on the way to work I listened to the mono Revolver. While the overall sound isn't as good as I'd expect (again, too much middle and hardly any high -- setting the iPod EQ to "Treble Booster" does help, though), the music itself is more enjoyable. The artificial double-tracking on the vocals is much more noticeable in mono than on the stereo version, on which the two vocal tracks are panned across the stereo. (Exception: "Got To Get You Into My Life;" the ADT is barely audible.) The bass line is much more discernible -- trust me, you haven't heard nothin' if you haven't heard the bass in mono yet! Many of the guitar solos also have ADT on them, missing from the stereo version.

After Revolver finished, I cued up the mono Magical Mystery Tour. Of the mono CDs I've heard (I haven't listened to Please Please Me, A Hard Day's Night, Beatles For Sale or Help! yet), this is so far the best-sounding, even better than Sgt. Pepper's. Nothing notable to report in terms of mixing besides the good EQ, except that "Flying" seems to have a much longer fade-out than I'm used to, and "Blue Jay Way" sounds incredible. That's as far as I've gotten so far.

Overall, with what I've heard and seen from the mono box and the two stereo CDs I've purchased, my thoughts are as follows:

- I've read two, maybe three, not-so-excited reviews of the reissues. One said that the only "improvement" is that the new CDs are louder than the old. From the A/B'ing I've done with both the actual CDs and my iPod, this doesn't seem to be the case at all. I have a good set of ears, and I detected very little (if any) difference in volume.

- For the most part, the enjoyment of the mono stuff depends on the playback equipment. On an iPod and in my car stereo, it didn't sound great, but setting the EQ to "Treble Booster" improves things. Interestingly, With The Beatles, which sounds dull and muddy on pretty much everything, sounds a lot better on the tinny speakers in my MacBook.

- Just the packaging alone and the attention to detail makes the $200+ a bargain for the mono box.

- While the EQ isn't great on the mono box, the clarity is incredible.

- The stereo CDs are where you'll hear the biggest improvement. In the Chicago Tribune I mentioned in my previous note, the agreement of the four listeners was that Abbey Road was the worst-sounding. Heh...if that's the worst-sounding, then I'm dying to hear what the BEST-sounding is! The improvement on Abbey Road was astonishing for me. And seriously, when you hear the new stereo Sgt. Pepper's CD for the first time, make sure you're not driving -- you probably will drive off the road and hit a tree. I almost did -- and this was on Lake Shore Drive, where there are NO TREES. Yes, it was THAT GOOD that I almost hit a tree on a treeless road!!

A Chicago Cubs Epiphany

2009-08-02T22:21:00.005-04:00

Something just occurred to me after reading today's installment of Classic Peanuts:

Charlie Brown is the Chicago Cubs. How do I figure? Well, think about this...

Charlie Brown just can't win. However, he does come pretty close sometimes. Remember the spelling bee? Just as he was about to win the big one...he failed miserably. But you can't say he didn't try his hardest. And no matter how miserably he fails, you can count on him to try again.

And no matter how miserably he fails, everybody loves Charlie Brown. At least, everybody with a heart does.

Hair -- the Broadway revival

2009-07-29T17:06:00.004-04:00

Not everybody who knows me knows this, but I have an obsession with the musical Hair. It's not so much that I've kept it secret from people; I just never happened to mention it to some people. It all started probably around 1990. I knew a little bit about the show and had heard some songs from it as performed by music groups and singers from the era. Please be warned; this is going to be a long read.

I saw the movie in the summer of 1990 and really dug the music. It's not the best movie I'd ever seen, but I watched it over and over because of the music. I went to the public library and checked out the Broadway cast recording (they didn't have the movie soundtrack) and was floored by how many additional songs there were that I didn't hear in the movie. And I liked what I heard, too, although I found it to be just like any other cast recording, and some of the singing wasn't all that great...and I couldn't fathom that the high-pitched voice singing "Donna" was a man!

But over the next few years, I nurtured my obsession. I bought the cassette version of the Broadway cast recording, which had songs not on the original cast recording ("I Believe In Love," "Electric Blues" et al) and songs that WERE on the original cast recording but edited down to save space ("Hashish," "I Got Life," et al). I then found a copy of the original 1967 New York Shakespeare Festival Public Theater off-Broadway cast recording, and many other cast recordings -- Japan, France, London, and God knows what else.

There were also a couple of oddballs among the albums I found. One was DisinHAIRited, an album made by the Broadway cast in November 1969 that focused on songs that for some reason or other 1) were part of the show at one time but dropped by the time of the Broadway opening (such as "Dead End" and "Exanaplanetooch," both of which actually appeared on the off-Broadway album), 2) were in the show but for some reason didn't make the original release of the Broadway album ("Electric Blues" -- with additional lyrics not found in any other version I've heard -- and "The Bed," among others), or 3) were never in the show to begin with but were actually bits of dialog that the show's composer Galt MacDermot decided for the heck of it to set to music (including "Hello There," which eventually did become an official show song, and "I Dig"). This album wasn't a rush job like the Broadway cast recording was, so it actually sounds closer to a rock album and probably closer to how the music sounded in performances. The other oddball album I found was another one featuring the Broadway cast, Divine Hair/Mass In F. It was recorded in 1971 to celebrate Hair's third anniversary on Broadway, and was a mass at the Cathedral of St. John the Divine. The mass proper was a new mass composed by Galt MacDermot, and the hymns were actually songs from the show, performed by the cast and various choirs. Both of these albums are great listening that I hope make it to CD some day.

In 1996, I finally saw a production of Hair for the first time. The "tribe" was from California State University at Fullerton, and Michael Butler, the show's original Broadway producer, brought them to Chicago that year for a short run in the summer at the Athenaeum Theater on the north side. The reason: that was when the Democratic National Convention was going on in Chicago, and Butler had wanted Hair to be on stage in Chicago at the same time of the convention, as it was in 1968. It was the most amazing thing I'd seen on a stage. I loved the story, the characters, the actors, the band, the use of literally every part...EVERY PART...of the theater before, during, and after the show...and I had to go back and see it again. Wow...just amazing, and so helped turn the Hair obsession up to 11 on the obsession amplifier.

Flash forward to July 28, 2009. Lots of changes in my life. I had moved to New Jersey and eventually back to Chicago. I'd gotten married. September 11 happened. I'd changed jobs and careers and even gone through a nearly three-year bout of unemployment. I actually got to have lunch with Michael Butler on two occasions and met Hair's surviving author Jim Rado on two occasions and have befriended Walter Michael Harris from the original Broadway cast. (And I do want to say publicly that W. Michael is one of the nicest guys I've had the pleasure to meet.) In terms of Hair, by this time I had acquired at least 13 different cast recordings (including the movie soundtrack) and had seen a (rather lame) production of it at a community theater in northern New Jersey. And I'm sure I gained a ton of weight. But there was a brief run of Hair back at its birthplace, Joseph Papp's Public Theatre, and then it moved to Broadway. My wife and I take trips to New Jersey at least twice a year, so we figured we'd check out the new Hair when we were out in the summer.

Now...I can't really comment on the show as a whole without being prejudiced by the amazing production I saw in Chicago and the mess that was the production I saw in Morristown, New Jersey. Did I like the new Broadway version? I loved it. Do I want to see it again? Oh, yeah. (My wife, however, wants to see it at least ten more times!)

Before I get into my specifics, just a few general comments:

- I'm thankful...extremely thankful...that they did NOT use that awful second verse of "Aquarius" that some modern productions use. In fact, the only songs with extra lyrics were "Air" and "Black Boys."

- No "Hippie Life"...thank God!

- There were bows at the end...the usual kind: first, the "secondary" cast, then the main cast. I found that the bows kind of ruined the spirit of the show. C'mon -- when you do Hair, no bows!

- Bernard Purdie is an amazing drummer! I'm pretty sure many of his claims are exaggerated (such as being the drummer in the original production -- uhh, no...for its entire run, the drummer was Idris Muhammad...and sorry, Bernard, you did NOT overdub drums on Beatles songs that Ringo couldn't do -- you're thinking of Pete Best on the Tony Sheridan recordings!). But wow, could he wail on those things! The entire band did a great job. In both the 1996 Chicago production I saw and the new Broadway production, the band sounded just like that: a band. In the production I saw in New Jersey, however, it was obvious the band was playing only what was written on their sheet music, afraid to stray from anything or apply dynamics anywhere, and as a result, they sounded very restrained and, in points, very afraid.

- Maria Callas once said how as audiences change, operas must also change to fit the tastes of the audience. She specifically said that passages may have to be cut and operas might have to be shortened to be accessible to audiences, while still being faithful to the composer. I definitely saw this philosophy in action, as with this production of Hair, a lot was cut -- undoubtedly because Act I would have been 90 minutes long easily if they hadn't cut things! Claude's "soap opera" scene was cut. "The Bed" was omitted, which is fine though because it doesn't really add anything to the show. No "Dead End" either, but that was only added to the show after a few years on Broadway. Nothing terribly essential was taken out.

I guess what I can do is comment on the productions I have seen and make observations on what stuck out, and on the way make some comparisons. Be warned -- there are spoilers. In my comparisons, "CHI" will refer to the Cal State production I saw in Chicago. "NJ" is the...bad...production I saw in Jersey, and "BW" is the new Broadway version. This review will end very abruptly. You've been warned.

THE SET
CHI: Bare stage, with the band in scaffolding off to the left and dressed like the Tribe. No curtain (very true to the original Broadway production).
NJ: Bare stage, I think, with the band at the back of the stage, all dressed in black. No curtain.
BW: Oriental rug on the stage. A large tie-dyed sheet used as a curtain. The band is on the back of the stage to the right, some members on risers, others literally in the back of an old pickup truck that was colored in military decor. Band members were dressed in casual street clothes, at least one or two in '60s hippie gear.

THE BEGINNING
CHI: Start time on the ticket was 8:00pm. Nothing happened on stage at 8:00, but I did notice that various tribe members were walking around on seats in the theater, climbing on balconies, and mingling with the audience. At about 8:15, they all disappeared, and the action focused to the stage, where some folks in modern, shiny vinyl clothing started dancing to some modern electronic music, prompting some people to believe we were watching a modernized version of Hair. As the music continued, a video montage was projected, starting with Bill Clinton and very gradually going back in time, ending with LBJ announcing how he wouldn't seek re-election, with a very dramatic echo effect added to his voice. A young man in army fatigues walks out and is gunned down by snipers. The tribe emerges on stage, and a woman very, very slowly sings the first verse of "Aquarius." At the chorus, "Aquarius" carries on as we know it, while the soldier is revealed to be Claude, the show's protagonist. Various members of the tribe remove his fatigues and helmet, revealing his long hair. Berger introduces himself by saying hi to the audience, then reiterating, "HI!!", as if demanding the audience to say hi back. (It did.)
NJ: None of the tribe out in the crowd, not mingling, not walking on seats, nothing. The sound of someone talking, then another person talking, and more people talking, etc. The cast, dressed as modern-day businessmen, parents, etc. walk across the stage to these sounds. Berger, Claude's best friend, emerges from the back of the theater while all the action freezes, and he slowly walks down the aisle to observe what's happening. Berger doesn't interact with the audience.
BW: As with the NJ performance, none of the tribe were mingling with the crowd, at least as far as I could see. They MAY have been out in the lobby or on the sidewalk, but I don't know for sure. I did notice a couple of hippies running down the side aisle in the balcony, very subtly, but shortly after they got to the end of the balcony the lights dimmed and the curtain went up, never to be seen again. After "Aquarius," Berger introduces himself to the audience and does a LOT of interaction with the crowd, including scolding latecomers who were being ushered to their seats, choosing a random woman in the front row and introducing her as his mom (despite the fact that she was maybe five years his senior!), and pulling another guy up from the front row and asking for a hug.

"MANCHESTER, ENGLAND"
CHI: Claude danced The Freddy as he sang this.
BW: Claude didn't do The Freddy, but during the verse mentioning film directors, the band played a reggae rhythm.

"AIN'T GOT NO (reprise)"
BW: (aka "Ain't Got No Grass") The tribe had the crowd in the palm of their hands. The entire house was clapping along, possibly even on their feet. Very intense and loud!

"INITIALS"
BW: Interesting choreography -- for most of the song, the tribe act as if they're riding a crowded subway train, huddling very closely together with their hands in the air as if they were strap-hanging.

"I GOT LIFE"
CHI: During Claude's last verse of the main part of the song, the band played a rhythm similar to The Isley Brothers' "Shout." During the "And I'm gonna spread it 'round the world" verse, a girl in the tribe yells, "YEAH-YEAH!! YEAH-YEAH!! YEAH-YEAH!!," much like the beginning of "Shout Part 2."
BW: Nothing unique to mention, but this was definitely a huge show-stopper. Got a big ovation from the audience.
(Off-topic memory...in 2005 there was a "tribe" reunion in New York City. Anybody who had anything to do with a production of Hair was invited. Walter Michael Harris from the original Broadway cast led a singalong, and during "I Got Life" he pointed to body parts as a lyrical cue.)

"GOING DOWN"
CHI: Interestingly, in Chicago they cut out the song Berger sings celebrating his expulsion from "high school heaven." One of the cast members told me they cut it because the first act was too long as it was.
BW: Left intact. Unlike with most productions, Berger doesn't interrupt with a commercial advising you to call a number telling how to get your diploma at home.

MARGARET MEAD
CHI: After "Hair," the tourist lady and her husband strip down to their underwear -- their leather underwear (including a bra on the husband) -- and did kind of an S&M dance, with Margaret whipping her husband in rhythm to "My Conviction."
BW: The Margaret Mead scene is more traditional -- the tourist lady opens her coat to reveal that she's a man.

"EASY TO BE HARD"
CHI: The yellow shirt argument is short and to the point: Sheila gives Berger the shirt, he rips it and says he doesn't like yellow, and a short argument ensues that ends with Burger slapping Sheila in the face.
BW: Berger goes on for a seemingly long time about why he can't wear the yellow shirt, but more in a mocking tone than an angry one. He doesn't slap Sheila, but she's visibly hurt.

"BE-IN"
BW: As with most versions, the singing is interrupted while various adults (in this case, Claude's parents) interrupt and interject their conservative views. However, all of their comments were brand-new, at least to me. Don't remember them off the top of my head, but none of the comments from "classic" productions, such as "I'd like to see some of you daffodil crowd in front of a machine gun," "Ship these peaceniks to the Vietnam meat grinders," etc.

THE END OF ACT 1
CHI: During the last verse of "Where Do I Go," all tribe members still on stage (except Claude) slowly strip nude. We see police lights and hear sirens, and the tribe panic and pick up their clothes and run off the stage. A shirtless cop comes in and announces that everybody's under arrest for watching a lewd, obscene show. (VERY fake.) Then announces it's time for intermission.
NJ: The tribe start to strip at the end of "Where Do I Go" (some revealing things that nobody in the '60s would worn, like purple brassieres, etc.) but before any nudity happens the officer comes out to arrest the audience. Really kind of a lame cop-out way to do the end; either do the nude scene or DON'T do it!
BW: The tribe strips pretty quickly as "Where Do I Go" comes to an end. After the song ends, a rousing standing ovation from the crowd (really, it must be awkward to stand on stage nude while an audience gives you a standing ovation!), but suddenly we see red flashing lights and hear sirens and alarms. Now...people who have seen Hair before expect the phony cop to come in and "arrest" everybody, but...instead, an usher walks up in front of the stage and very cheerfully announces that the show will resume in 15 minutes. Very effective, I think! Got a good laugh out of it!

"WALKING IN SPACE"
CHI: Berger hands out joints and gives people nicknames: "One for Tricky Dick..." When he gets to Hud, he says, "One for James Brown." Hud responds by singing the first verse "I Got You (I Feel Good)," accompanied by the band playing a note-perfect re-creation of the song. During the intro, Hud sits at the front of the stage and reads a poem that begins "We are the hippies." Lyric changes: "ship us off to war" becomes "send us...", and the "Pottsville to starlight" lyrics from the movie are used.
BW: No nicknames when Berger hands out the joints. Original Broadway lyrics used. No poem from Hud. During the mention of colors, lights flash in the specified colors.

THE TRIP
CHI: Includes dialogue from Gone With The Wind, ending with Rhett Butler saying, "Frankly, my dear...I don't give a f**k!"
BW: Although Clark Gable is called during President Grant's roll call, there's no Gone With The Wind dialogue. The chain-murders of Buddhist monks and nuns isn't repeated.

"WHAT A PIECE OF WORK IS MAN"
CHI: The music is very, very quiet (only a keyboard accompanying), and the lyrics are sung very sullenly -- and solemly. The two members of the tribe -- one black and one white (as in most productions) -- hold each other while singing. Video footage of Vietnam fighting is projected.
BW: The music is similar to that of the original Broadway version, with military-style drums. The two tribe members (again, one black and one white) walk around and observe the destruction, and surprise of surprises, Claude actually sings along to part of it.

THE ENDING
CHI: During the final rally, Claude appears in fatigues, including a battle helmet, dressed as he's dressed in the beginning of the show. The tribe very quietly sing "Let The Sunshine In" as a tombstone with Claude's name appears, implying that he was killed in Vietnam. The mournful song becomes a celebration, as members of the tribe go out into the crowd and dance and sing with the audience. Outside of the theater are a few from the tribe handing out flowers to those exiting, thanking them for "celebrating" with the tribe.
BW: During the final rally, Claude appears wearing a military dress uniform (*gasps of shock coming from various parts of the audience*), with various decorations, implying perhaps that he turned the military into a career. The tribe gathers closely together and sings a pleading rendition of "Let The Sunshine In" as snow falls. The music stops, and "Let The Sunshine In" continues ad infinitum a capella, as the tribe descends the stage and continues to sing on the way out of the theater, revealing Claude lying down on a U.S. flag, being snowed on. The tribe reappears on stage as an instrumental reprise of "Hair" plays, and do standard traditional theatrical bows (much to my chagrin). A couple of guys from the tribe bring out a railing that they attach to the steps going up to the stage and then invite the audience to join them onstage for a reprise of "Let The Sunshine In."

Kick-Ass Beach Boys Song #1: "Surfin' U.S.A."

2009-05-31T12:28:00.001-04:00

So...I figured I'd do a series of posts called "Kick-Ass Beach Boys Song." And it's just what you think. No, the Beach Boys aren't my favorite group, but they're definitely up there, although I'm more of a Brian Wilson fan rather than of the band he created. The numbers are simply numbers, no ranking or anything.

I figured since June is just hours away here in the U.S., I'd start with a pretty rockin' little number that most people know.

I know what you're thinking. "Surfin' U.S.A." is very dated, with the nasally vocals, the "oooooooh" background vocals, the chiming Fender Jaguar that is sooooo 1963. The organ solo is kind of cheesy. In fact, most people would probably say, "Beach Boys? Kick ass? HA!" Mind you, these are the same people who've never heard, say, the concert version of "Marcella" or the single version of "Cotton Fields." I pity them.

If you fall into the category of those who find "Surfin' U.S.A." cheesy and dated, I strongly advise you to do this: listen to Chuck Berry's original "Sweet Little Sixteen." Listen to it again. And again and again and again. Listen to it over and over and over for an hour, or at least to the point that you can't get it out of your head, whichever comes first.

Now, listen to "Surfin' U.S.A.," the Beach Boys' re-make of the Chuck Berry song. If you can find the mono mix, I strongly recommend that over the stereo, as the mono mix is pure Brian Wilson production in all its glory, and somehow actually sounds like you're hitting the surf. The "inside, outside, U.S.A." background vocals will catch you off-guard...in a good way. The excitement is almost tangible.

And how can you not love these lyrics: "...we can't wait 'til June. We'll all be gone for the summer. We're on safari to stay. Tell the teacher we're surfin'." Wow. Really, think back to when you were in school and couldn't wait to get out. Tell me this sentiment doesn't still flow through your veins.

REPENT, SINNER!!!!

2009-04-02T16:00:00.002-04:00

So I've been noticing there's a controversy about Barack Obama being invited to speak at Notre Dame's graduation; it's tradition for the President of the United States to deliver an address at this event. And some of my fellow Catholics are getting up in arms because he...doesn't detest abortion and is all for stem cell research. And now, Cardinal George here in Chicago is getting pissy and moany about it.

Of course, it just calls to mind "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." "Judge not lest ye be judged."

It also occurs to me that many people say that the founder of my religion was none other than Jesus Christ. These are the same people who want me to believe that it's okay -- nay, NECESSARY -- to hate people who are scientifically predetermined to be attracted to their own gender, to vote based on whether or not a candidate is in favor of one particular sin, and in other ways cast judgment to people who are in some ways sinful and unclean. These are the same people who forget that the founder of our religion -- the guy who allowed himself to be crucified so he could bring us eternal salvation -- was best friends with a prostitute and hand-picked a murderer to be one of his followers. Now, mind you I haven't personally had a conversation with Jesus about this yet, but I'm pretty sure that given the circumstances, the LEAST of his worries are about whether a guy finds another guy attractive or if using aborted fetuses for research on improving the quality of life (fetuses that otherwise would be thrown in the trash) is on someone's mind.

Now, going back to the gay thing...people often cite Leviticus as the source that says homosexuality is a sin, and they're correct: it really does say that in Leviticus. It also says, understandably, that boinking your daughter, aunt, son-in-law, mother, father, or a non-human animal is unclean. So they have something there. But let's see what other sins there are, courtesy of the book of Leviticus.

It is a sin for your hair to be messy and your clothes to display wear and tear.
"Do not let your hair become unkempt, and do not tear your clothes, or you will die and the LORD will be angry with the whole community." (10:6)
Come on, people -- we're all suffering because of your f*cking bed-head!!!

All patriotic Americans are sinners because the eagle is the symbol of the United States.
Check it out -- verses 13 through 18 of chapter 10 list the eagle among "the birds you are to detest." And this is a country whose flag's pledge of allegiance invokes God, and whose Declaration of Independence defines God-given rights?? Talk about a double-standard!

Boys are cleaner than girls.
Leviticus 12:1-5 clearly says that if a woman gives birth to a boy, she's unclean for seven days, but she's unclean for two weeks if she gives birth to a girl. And as someone who's been in several girls-versus-boys arguments in my pre-teen years, I say: NYAAAA!

Being circumcised as soon as possible after birth might be good for your health, but it's BAD FOR YOUR SOUL!!!
Leviticus 12:3 says that eight days after being born, the boy is to be circumcised. Heh...some of you STILL haven't had the snip! Come on, sinner, what are you waiting for?!!?

Mothers need to do certain things after they give birth -- but there are economic considerations.
Hey, Catholic moms (and all other Christian moms, for that matter), after your purification ritual after giving birth, did you bring a year-old lamb as a burnt offering to your priest and a pigeon or a dove as penance for your sins? Well, in these trying times you probably can't afford a lamb, so double up on the bird if that's the case. Certainly if you think gays are wrong because it says so in the Bible, you're willing to admit you have committed a grievous offense by not delivering the goods to your priest, n'est-ce pas? Look it up: Leviticus 12:6-8.

There's a right way and a wrong way to rid your clothes of mildew.
The wrong way: laundry products. The right way: Show it to your priest, who will then quarantine the affected article of clothing for a week, check to see if the mildew spread, and burn the article of clothing still affected by the mildew. It clearly says that in Leviticus 13:47-52, so it must be the only sin-free way of doing it, right?

Never mind this "I am third" crap -- look out for NUMBER ONE, dammit!
When you reap the harvest of your land, do not reap to the very edges of your field or gather the gleanings of your harvest. Do not go over your vineyard a second time or pick up the grapes that have fallen. Leave them for the poor and the alien." (Leviticus 19:9-10)
In other words, you get the good stuff; those who don't have the money to buy their own food get the crap that landed on the ground, as do people who are new to the area.

Hey, Mister Jeans-and-a-T-Shirt Guy, you're a sinner!
Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material. (Leviticus 19:19)
I guess this means I'm going to hell.

Shaving is a sin.
Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard. (Leviticus 19:19 again.)
And you wonder why Mr. Burns is considered evil: "Mattingly, I told you to trim those sideburns!"

There are no such entities as illegal aliens.
Leviticus 19:33-34 says that foreigners are to be treated as if they were natives. Certainly devout Christians would agree that this means we reallly need to streamline immigration and naturalization, no?

If you have acne, you cannot receive communion.
Don't believe me? Check out Leviticus 22:4.

And finally, one thing we ARE getting right: Labor Day. Read on:
On the first day of the seventh month you are to have a day of rest, a sacred assembly commemorated with trumpet blasts. Do no regular work, but present an offering made to the LORD by fire. (Leviticus 23:23-25)
Well, okay, not quite...I admit I'm a sinner in that the last time I had a Labor Day cookout I didn't have any trumpet blasts. You'd better believe that I'm going to bring a couple of animals to my priest today so I can remedy this deplorable situation. But what's really cool is that the "seventh month" in our day means July, while back in the days of Leviticus it meant September. And in this country we have celebrations at the beginnings of both months!

So, Cardinal, have you kept all this in mind? How many people have you not blasted despite the fact that they have clearly committed all these sins?

Oh, and watch out the next time you sit down. Make sure that seat was never used by a menstruating woman, because - yep, you guessed it - that's a sin, too.

What is and what would never be...thank God!

2009-03-22T01:46:00.012-04:00

From first through sixth grades, I attended Maternity BVM, a grade school in Bourbonnais, Illinois, where I was living. Bourbonnais is a couple of miles north of Kankakee, the county seat of Kankakee County, the Armpit of Illinois; I knew I wanted to escape it someday. The school -- I never thought much of it because, well, it was a school, you go there because you have to, you go home, watch cartoons, do your homework, and that’s it. Sure, I had friends there. But I lost touch with them after sixth grade.

My father had been working in Joliet for a couple of years, and the 35-mile commute was taking a toll on him, so we moved to Joliet....aaaahhh, much better! An actual city! Civilization! Stuff to do! We could go to a mall without driving for half an hour -- nay, two malls! (There was no mall in the Kankakee area at the time; there is now.) And much to my mother’s delight, tuition at St. Pat’s was a lot cheaper than that of Maternity BVM.

Now, all these years, I’m thinking Joliet was a great move. It’s a good, growing town. It has an AmTrak stop. It’s fairly close to Chicago. And should I decide to get into legal trouble, I’d have four prisons where I could be incarcerated close to home. St. Pat’s, I thought, was a great school, and for the first time in my life I felt the teachers cared about my well-being. Joliet Catholic was a great high school. When it merged with St. Francis Academy, though, we lost a lot of our traditions, and my last two years of high school were filled with anger over it, although I’ve met some of my best friends as a result of that merge. In retrospect, going to college in Joliet at St. Francis sucked, but I didn’t realize at the time; however, my personal life outside of college was enjoyable.

So here I am now, married and in my 30s; no kids yet but a dog, and I’m really enjoying life on the north side of Chicago. I always wanted to live here. Ever since I was a li’l tyke I wanted to live in the exciting city, so my wife and I moved here after my eight-year life in New Jersey. I have a nice job that has a decent but not great salary. (If I didn’t have so much credit card debt, I would say the job has a great salary.) I’m always taking classes at the Old Town School of Folk Music, which is perhaps my favorite place in the city next to my apartment.

Suddenly it happened...it’s about 6:45 in the morning, I want more sleep, and my wife is showing me a TiVoed scene from a Second City musical based on ousted governor Rod Blagojevich. The musical is called Rod Blagojevich: Superstar, and the scene features a song called “Jogging.” The cast members introduce themselves, and three words suddenly wake me up:

“I’m Michael Bradecich.” (rhymes with “radish”)

WHA?!

Oh, yes...Michael Bradecich...one of my circle of friends from Maternity BVM! I had forgotten that he had become an improv actor...well, an actor period. Wow...temporary jealousy takes over! I remember Yahoo!ing him before (I prefer Yahoo! over Google -- nothing against Google, I just prefer Yahoo!) and seeing these details about Mike: He’s an actor. He was - possibly still is - a member of IO Chicago (formerly ImprovOlympic). He was even in an episode of E.R., for Christ’s sakes! And apparently he still hangs out with some of the ol’ Maternity gang: Chris Witt, one of the smartest people in our class with a unique sense of humor, who now has a really cool studio production career going, if I’m not mistaken. Greg Schaertl, a year ahead of us, whom I remember as kind of an outcast (hey, we were little kids at the time - but to be honest, I didn’t mind him), but who’s in a band now. I saw a mention of David Kasper, who I remember to be a really nice guy, but I don’t remember what he’s up to these days. (You might notice I didn’t mention any girls. Well, to be honest with you, my maturity took so long that I thought girls were icky until the summer before eighth grade.) And even though he wasn't in our circle of friends, Pat Sandusky, who was a year behind us, is now part of Chicago's Olympics planning team, and he even ends up on TV from time to time. If only I’d not lost touch with these guys.

Recently I attended a St. Pat’s class reunion. Our classmate Jason Harms and teacher/basketball coach Pat Paul sadly couldn’t be with us because they left this world much too young. But I was surprised at how many of my Class of 1988 classmates got to attend -- and thrilled to see every one of them. How we reminisced of old times -- Jeff Belom (who was among the shortest in the class -- now he’s easily at least six feet tall!) being locked in the coat closet until he finished his tuna sandwich because Mr. Paul (God rest his tragically young soul) couldn’t stand the smell of tuna; Jim O’Brien being the first person in St. Pat’s basketball history to not only attempt but also sink a three-pointer at a basketball game against St. Ray’s; Lisa Mariotto, who sadly was unable to make it, sent a lot of her old St. Pat’s stuff with some great reminiscences, including her notebook from Mr. Paul’s World War II lectures and Mr. Paul’s predictions about how we’d all end up in the future; Mrs. Harms, the sixth-grade teacher and who was our math and science teacher, showed up for what was supposed to be a quick drop-by to say hi and she ended up staying for pretty much the whole time, and it was great to see her again; damn, it was great to see everybody. I felt this amazing bond with everybody as we remembered the days when we had to look at each other every day for nine months out of the year. And after 21 years, it really feels that we all care about each other. I know I care about these people, at least, and I’m glad to see that every single person who showed up either had a good job or was (voluntarily, I hope) a stay-at-home mom. All of us alums have families of our own, or at least was or is currently married.

Most of my classmates from St. Pat’s are still in the Joliet area; there are a few who lived out of state (indeed, Sarah Kane flew all the way out from Colorado just to spend a few hours with everybody), but most of us are still around. In fact, except for the out-of-staters, I live the farthest from Joliet, at about 35 miles. They have families -- and at least in one case a child who currently attends St. Pat’s. And there’s a special bond that nobody outside of our class could possibly understand. I never had any of that at Maternity.

I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ve said before how remarkable it is that I spent six years at Maternity BVM, only two at St. Pat’s -- yet I have far more memories about my two at St. Pat’s than I do about my six at Maternity. While I do regret losing touch with my Bourbonnais friends and do hope that someday I’ll reconnect, I just can’t imagine that I’d ever want to change that 6-to-2 ratio of memories. I’d much rather have what I ended up with over what I jokingly theorize I could have ended up with.

2009

2009-01-04T21:23:00.000-05:00

Wow. Before now, my last post was two and a half months ago.

Sorry.

30 Rock Season 2 DVD set - a helpful hint!

2008-10-15T14:14:00.002-04:00

So, what's on my mind grapes today?

Before I get to the gist of this entry, I just want to say that I don't understand why 30 Rock gets such low ratings. There's a huge online fan base. I run into 30 Rock fans everywhere. All the TV critics rave about the show. The show really cleaned up at the Emmys this year. I just don't get it...I dunno, maybe it just happens that the only people who don't watch the show are the ones who have the Nielsen boxes.

Anyway, the Season 2 DVD set just came out. It's a really well-done set. Yes, it only has about two-thirds of a season due to the writer's strike, but the extras (including "Werewolf Bar Mitzvah" in its entirety) and Easter eggs more than make up for the gap. The video quality is stunning. And the episodes are nothing short of priceless, especially "Rosemary's Baby" and "Cooter," the latter of which I excitedly told my wife, who's also a big fan but didn't get to see the episode when it aired as she was taking a class at the time, "IT WAS THE GREATEST HALF-HOUR OF TELEVISION OF MY LIFE!!"

Having said all of that, I was dismayed when my wife brought home the new box set, and disc 1 completely stalled 16 seconds into chapter 3, during the Spanish disclaimer. Couldn't stop. Couldn't get to a menu. Couldn't do anything but eject the disc. Hmmm... Tried disc 2. Same exact thing, right down to the second! uh huh. Probably some new-fangled encoding or encryption that's not compatible with the DVD player we bought as a wedding present to ourselves in 1999.

So my wife popped one of the discs in her laptop, and all worked fine, but man, I didn't want to watch a DVD on a computer -- that's why we have a DVD player and a TV, dammit! I tried ripping the episodes from the DVD and re-burning them (sans intro, promos, trailers, disclaimers, etc.), but alas I couldn't get a good burn and I was short on blank DVDs. I even tried some of those weird "unlock" codes you can get from a Yahoo! search, but none of them helped.

Just as a wild hunch, I tried this process:

1) Put the disc in the DVD player.
2) When the Universal logo and music plays, press "Stop." At this point, my DVD player warned me that resuming play at that point would be impossible; yeah, yeah, whatever.
3) I pressed a button on my remote that I never touched before in my life: "Title."

BINGO!!! Got the episode menu, and my wife and I have been enjoying season 2 of 30 Rock no longer from our TiVo box, but now from DVD, ever since.

If you have a similar problem with your copy, try those three steps.

And let me just end by saying that I love you. But not in a queer way.

Couldn't have said it better myself (or else I WOULD have!)

2008-09-23T18:37:00.001-04:00

...or else, I WOULD have! heh...this is the only thing (I hope) I will EVER say about politics; I generally can't stand ANYBODY involved in politics, as I usually feel they're all crooks, and democrats and republicans and whigs and federalists and Green Party-ers are all equally evil and need to be destroyed, but...

-------------
I'm a little confused. Let me see if I have this straight:

*If you grow up in Hawaii, raised by your grandparents, you're "exotic, different."
*Grow up in Alaska eating mooseburgers, a quintessential American story.

*If your name is Barack, you're a radical, unpatriotic Muslim.
*Name your kids Willow, Trig and Track, you're a maverick.

*Graduate from Harvard law School and you are unstable.
*Attend 5 different small colleges before graduating, you're well-grounded.

*If you spend 3 years as a brilliant community organizer, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter registration drive that registers 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor, spend 8 years as a State Senator representing a district with over 750,000 people, become chairman of the state Senate's Health and Human Services committee, spend 4 years in the United States Senate representing a state of 13 million people while sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and Veteran's Affairs committees, you don't have any real leadership experience.
*If your total resume is: local weather girl, 4 years on the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with less than 7,000 people, and 20 months as the governor of a state with only 650,000 people, then you're qualified to become the country's second-highest ranking executive.

*If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising 2 beautiful daughters, all within Protestant churches, you're not a real Christian.
*If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, and left your disfigured wife and married the heiress the next month, you're a Christian.

*If you teach responsible, age appropriate sex education, including the proper use of birth control, you are eroding the fiber of society.
*If, while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence only, with no other option in sex education in your state's school system while your unwed teen daughter ends up pregnant, you're very responsible.

*If your wife is a Harvard graduate lawyer who gave up a position in a prestigious law firm to work for the betterment of her inner city community, then gave that up to raise a family, your family's values don't represent America's.
*If your husband is nicknamed "First Dude" with at least one DWI conviction and no college education, who didn't register to vote until age 25 and once was a member of a group that advocated the secession of Alaska from the USA, your family is extremely admirable.

OK, much clearer now.
--------------------------
[author unknown]

How NOT to respond to a want ad!

2008-07-17T15:45:00.003-04:00

My company right now is going through a hiring phase, and we're booking up an entire week for interviews. It pities me to look at résumés and listen to people on the phone and having to put them in the "NO" pile for ridiculous reasons. Does any of this look like you? If so, you seriously need to rethink your strategy.

Put your name on your résumé.
Sadly, I have to say this for a reason.

Check your cover letter and résumé for spelling and grammar errors.
The same person whose résumé didn't have his name also loaded his cover letter with past-tense verbs that didn't end in "ed:" "I am very interest in the position..." "As request, I have enclose..." I once saw a résumé from an assistant editor candidate who not only wanted a $60,000 salary (assistant editors make about $23,000...heck, I have the power to fire people and I don't even make nearly that much!), but also listed a "Salad History" on her résumé. I'm pretty sure she meant "Salary History."

When replying to a Craig's List want ad, read the whole thing, right up to the point where the next ad begins!
The positions we have open are part-time. It clearly says that in the Craig's List ad. It says that in Craig's List's automatically-added stuff -- "This is a PART-TIME job," "No phone calls about this job," etc. Yet when we call applicants, it's clear they didn't read that part, and are shocked that they're not applying for full-time work.

Provide an active phone number.
If I had a dollar for every time I called a number on an applicant's number and got an automated "disconnected" message or a message saying that the customer is not accepting calls at the time, I'd be rich. These folks automatically go in the "no" pile. If you can't answer the phone, at least let people leave a message for you!

Do not use "LOL" in your cover letter.
Yes, there is a reason I have to say this. And yes, that applicant's paperwork went to the great filing cabinet in the sky. Don't get me wrong, I work for one of the most laid-back companies in the planet (indeed, when I was interviewed for my job, my boss interviewed me while wearing a t-shirt, denim shorts and sandals), but even we're professional enough to find colloquial computerese inappropriate for business communication!

Unless specifically requested, do not provide a URL for your blog or personal web site.
I don't care how strongly you feel your site or blog is good, useful, or creative, your potential employer will wholeheartedly disagree with you. If you don't believe me, I'll be happy to provide links proving my theory true. And for God's sake, if you must provide such a site or blog, make absolutely sure, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it doesn't make you come across as a terrorist, racist, or pedophile.

Having a car is not a skill.
And no, you can't even use the argument that with today's economy and gas prices, you have to be pretty skilled to be able to own a car, pay for it, insure it, fuel it, etc., because the résumé in question is from 2005.

Mentioning proficiency in myspace.com is a sure-fire way to not even get an interview.
In otherwords...most companies aren't willing to hire 12-year-olds.

Jesus may save, but he won't get you a job.
Unless you're specifically applying for a position with a company that's very religiously focused, talking about Jesus too much during your interview, audition, etc. will make you come across as scary, and you probably won't get the job. Yes, it's okay to be religious, but a job interview is not the time to preach. (Indeed, we've hired many people who are very active in the church and are devoutly Christian, and we've also hired many atheists. Save your preaching for social times!)

I fear that I may have to add a lot more to this list. Nay...I dread that I'll have to add more before long.

You're FIRED!...uhh...I think...

2008-06-23T11:51:00.003-04:00

Did you ever have to fire someone, only to fail?

I have.

I don't know why I thought of this now, but a few years ago I actually tried to fire someone. Unsuccessfully.

Where I was working at the time, I was in charge of staffing test proctors for practice tests. We had one that was constantly screwing up. I think the last straw was a time when she had to be in Glen Ridge, New Jersey, by 8:45 in the morning. She called me at 9:15 that morning to let me know there weren't any answer sheets and wanted to know what to do. Thing is...I would always make sure the proctors had their materials well in advance so that they could check and make sure that we included everything, and if they didn't, we'd still have ample time to make enough arrangements. This proctor obviously didn't do that. Also, I found out she was late getting to the site. Why was she late? Because she got lost when she left her home in Jersey City and headed east on I-80 instead of west.

Now...mind you that I'm not a native of New Jersey, but I do know this much...if you head east out of Jersey City, you'll end up over, under, or in the Hudson River and heading into Lower Manhattan. Think about that.

So I sent her an e-mail telling her she's been making too many careless mistakes and that I would not be allowing her to do any more tests. I even pointed out how everybody knows that if you go ANYWHERE in New Jersey from Jersey City, you can only go west!

Then she sent me an e-mail begging me to let her proctor another test. The test she was referring to was one where we were expecting so many students that we needed multiple proctors. I thought about it, and realized that if I give the materials to one of the other proctors, then even if the incompetent proctor were late, the materials would already be there, and the other proctors can at least get the students started with the test. My boss told me that in this situation, we can go ahead and give her another chance.

Rats. The one time I tried to fire somebody, and it failed.

Oh well. I know I'll get the opportunity again. There will always be incompetence in the world.

What's the deal with Hyde Park?

2008-06-20T12:29:00.002-04:00

It's weird. It seems that every major city has a Hyde Park neighborhood near it or in it.

Chicago has a Hyde Park on the South Side.

Los Angeles has a Hyde Park.

London, of course, has a Hyde Park.

There's a Hyde Park outside of New York City, I believe on Long Island.

Cleveland, Ohio has a Hyde Park.

For God's sake, there's even a Hyde Park in Cincinnati.

Just an observation. I guess there's a law that if you found a big city, you have to name one of the neighborhoods Hyde Park, or at least make a pact with a neighboring city that that city be named Hyde Park.

No, I did NOT visit your site, and I do NOT want to start a business.

2008-06-06T21:52:00.003-04:00

I can't believe it. Spam is getting so personalized now that I got one that actually addressed me by name, said that she enjoyed my blog and mentioned it by name and added that the title of it kind of reflects her life right now, and that I visited her web site a week or so ago.

1) Part of me wonders if it's just a coincidence and a machine is still just name-dropping by way of mail merge, SQL, or any other automated technique.

2) If my theory is incorrect and living people are really reading this, let this be known to all who read my blog: I DID NOT VISIT YOUR PISS-ANT LITTLE WEB SITE AND ASK FOR MORE INFORMATION, unless you're the Chicago Transit Authority explaining why the subway turnstile wouldn't let me through but when I scanned my transit card a second time suddenly I was given four transfers. If you e-mail me claiming that you read my blog and tell me that I visited your stupid web site and asked for more information on starting a stupid business, your e-mail will go straight to Knujon, who will work to shut your stupid server down.

Whaddya think of that?

Or since the e-mail was untruthful, could this count as mail fraud? And I could have you prosecuted, just like I'm going to do to Doc Watters of Denver, who somehow got my snail mail address and mailed me a pyramid scheme?

Oh, the things I would love to do, but it's illegal and probably against every religion, so I can't. Oh well.

The official web site!

2008-06-05T16:04:00.000-04:00

I found out that I'm allowed up to three domains with my hosting plan; one's already in use, so I had two more I could futz with. All I had to worry about was paying the registration fee. Neato!

So now, I can bring you the official Scattered Frog web site:

www.scatteredfrog.com

There's, uhmmm...nothing there right now, other than a tiled background image of a plastic frog I bought in Bermuda, but...well...it does look pretty scattered!

Last night I dreamt that I had just opened a Scattered Frog store as a companion to the so-far nonexistent Scattered Frog projects. (they're in progress, though!) I remember standing behind the counter wondering just what the hell I opened the store for because I had nothing to sell except some random crap I've been meaning to sell on eBay, and how I was going to pay the rent. I did have a very supportive staff, though, who assured me that everything would be okay. Even my wife told me I could keep my day job and work at the store four or five hours a week for some extra money. Of course, I'd be paying myself, so I have no idea how that was supposed to work.

Oh well...but at least 1) I woke up and didn't have to worry about canceling the lease on the store, and 2) now that Scattered Frog has an official web site, I can do what I've wanted to do for a long time: put up a "Contact Us" link that actually says "Cactus." If you look at "Contact Us" really quickly, it does look like "Cactus"! Plus, the word "cactus" is funny.

Hide Go Seek: Beach Boys Easter Eggs

2008-06-02T16:19:00.010-04:00

This is eventually going to be part of my re-constructed Brian Wilson fan site. I will regularly update this blog entry, so if you like it, I recommend you bookmark it.

Some years ago, somebody posted a message either on one of the mailing lists I'm on or on one of the Usenet newsgroups asking if there are any Beach Boys "Easter eggs" -- that is, hidden surprises in various media. Nobody replied, probably because nobody could think of anything to say, but I've had several years to think, and there really are a lot.

This list will be arranged roughly chronologically by album release date, with various non-album tracks et al. arranged roughly according to where they fall in terms of recording date. Solo projects are included as well. Please note that some of these are genuine Easter eggs, planted by various people involved with the project being mentioned, while others are accidental coincidences.

Check back often -- this will be updated quite a bit! I certainly welcome additions and corrections; feel free to leave a comment.

Last updated: October 2, 2008

Louie, Louie
During the instrumental break, there is some panicked-sounding discussion going on. To hear it in full, play the stereo mix through a karaoke filter or apply out-of-phase stereo to the track.

Glen Campbell -- "Guess I'm Dumb"
At the beginning of the fade-out, you'll hear this compliment from the song's famous composer/producer: "That was outta sight!"

Pet Sounds
There was an article about Brian Wilson on a French web site once. At one point, there was a discussion about Brian's most renowned work. However, when the article was run through Babelfish, some fans wondered whether the album referred to might have been The Beach Boys Love You. Why? Well, go to babelfish.altavista.com, set the translation to French-to-English, enter "Pet Sounds" into the text box, and click the translate button for a little surprise!

I Just Wasn't Made For These Times
Everybody by now knows about the Spanish background lyrics. What many people have noticed is that on the mono mix, there's a strange noise during the very beginning of the sound, almost like sheet metal being rattled. The sound is actually a tape rewinding.

With Me Tonight
Many fans have noticed a strange voice or grunt during the beginning of the song. Bootleg recordings reveal that the voice is actually Chuck Britz, from the control room talkback, saying, "Good."

I Can Hear Music
Listen closely to the a capella break, and you'll notice that Mike's bass part consists of the words "do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do," but not sung as a scale.

At My Window
Many fans have wondered what that weird Spanish or Portuguese thing is that Brian says after the first verse. It's actually very poorly-pronounced French: "Le moineau est venu se poser à ma fenêtre," which means roughly, "The sparrow came to sit at my window."

Surf's Up (Beach Boys version)
On most releases of the song, one can hear a lot of background noises during the second half of the song, especially in the left stereo channel. While it's unknown what the sounds and voices are doing and saying, it's pretty much agreed that it's the result of a poorly-erased and reused tape.

The Beach Boys In Concert
If you have access to an original pressing, look at the dead wax near the record label for a greeting addressed to Brian Wilson.

Had To Phone Ya
The melody on the lines, "I visualize that you're looking fine. It feels so good when you come on the line," is directly borrowed from the end of every verse of "Guess I'm Dumb."

That Same Song
Okay, so this is a bit of an obscure Easter egg, as it's from the 1976 NBC TV special the Beach Boys had. During the scene in which the Boys sing this song with the Double Rock Baptist Choir, you may notice a quick shot of Billy Hinsche in the choir, complete with choir robe. No, Billy wasn't a member of the choir, but according to an e-mail he sent to a fan, he stood in with the choir as a joke in hopes that friends would notice during the airing of the show.

M.I.U. Album and Ten Years of Harmony
Fans who bought the Caribou reissues of these albums in the early '90s were treated to (or tortured with, depending on how much you like or loathe the 1978 tracks!) some unintentional new versions of "Come Go With Me," "Winds Of Change," and "Peggy Sue" when incorrect mixes were accidentally substituted. Similarly, album versions of "Rock and Roll Music" and "California" were substituted on TYoH, meaning that fans didn't get the alternate single mixes that were present on the original 1981 release of the album.

Good Vibrations: 30 Years Of The Beach Boys
If you let disc 1 play until the CD player actually stops, you'll hear a surprise at-home tribute to The Four Freshman recorded by Brian Wilson as a youth.

Ooh Child (Wondermints)
Okay, so it's not a song performed by the Beach Boys, but there is a Beach Boys Easter egg in this cover on Wonderful World of Wondermints: the "God Only Knows" French horn intro riff appears several times.

Fun, Fun, Fun
When Brian Wilson performs this song at solo concerts, during the climactic ending, Scott Bennett plays part of "Rhapsody In Blue" on the vibes.

Brian Wilson -- Live At The Roxy Theater
Listen for a fan yelling for "Honkin' Down The Highway" before the band starts "Love and Mercy."

Brian Wilson -- Smile
Although it's never been officially confirmed, rumor has it that there are elements to the Smile package that pay homage to bootleggers who have kept the Smile dream alive. The pirate-themed lyrics in "On A Holiday" supposedly represent the "pirates" who had spread the music. The CD packaging itself is highly reminiscent of bootleg packages put out by the defunct Vigotone label, whose Smile bootleg was considered one of the best: a jewel case with very sparse, no-frills labeling (just a single-leaf front card and a basic U-card on the back), a high-quality slip-case, and a CD-sized booklet with exhaustive liners.

Brian Wilson -- "I Wanna Be Around"
After Brian sings the opening line, Nelson Bragg says, "He wants to be around," through a megaphone.

Brian Wilson -- That Lucky Old Sun
Many of the tracks on the new album are recycled from older songs, some released and some unreleased, most notably "Morning Beat," which borrows from the unreleased mid-'70s Beach Boys song "Clangin'." For more information, check out this thread on the smileysmile.net discussion board.

A cheaper alternative to the Wii?

2008-05-27T19:07:00.002-04:00

Recently on www.atariage.com, someone in the forums asked whether there could be a cheaper alternative to today's quite expensive game systems. The poster mentioned that great graphics do not always mean it's a quality game! I can't believe I was the only one to reply with the ideas I had. I'm quite proud of my suggestion; so proud that I've reproduced it here:

Well, to answer the original post...we need an alternate video game console that's cheap. Some things you need to keep in mind:

- It must have playable titles.
- There must be at least some already-established titles available on the system.
- The controller must be easy to use and learn.
- Under ideal circumstances, the console should be available in a variety of shapes, sizes, and colors to suit the player's personal preferences.
- The games should be on a medium that will last a while.
- There should be a variety of genres of games available -- sports, arcade, adventure, sims, etc.
- You should be able to walk into a store near you today and be able to get accessories for it.
- Most importantly, game development for the system should still be going on.

Keeping all that in mind, I bring you....

...the Atari Video Computer System, aka Atari 2600!

- It's cheap! Go to eBay, craigslist, garage sales, etc., and you can probably find one for around $20.

- Play the games you know and love! Three Pac-Man games! Several Tetris-like games! Remember the groundbreaking Space Invaders, Asteroids, Frogger, Q*Bert, Galaga, and Pole Position? They're all here too!

- You'll find the most playable titles around! Most of its games don't have the win-a-few-stages, fight-the-boss-character, repeat-until-you-fight-the-CEO-character, beat-the-CEO-character-and-the-game-is-over-so-what's-the-point-of-playing-it-again formula; the games get progressively more challenging and encourage you to score higher with each play.

- Tired of learning the functions of all those buttons on your Xbox controller? Still trying to figure out which button does what on your PS2? The Atari VCS has a simple yet very functional controller consisting of no more than a joystick and a fire button! (And if you prefer paddle-based games, the VCS can accommodate you there as well!)

- The VCS is available in many shapes, sizes, and colors! Some are woodgrain with six metal switches, some are woodgrain with four. Woodgrain too late '70s/early '80s for you? Screw that, then -- get one in black! (Sorry, only available in four-switch.) Like a space-age look? Get the variety with a silver panel! (Good news, jetsetters -- available in both four- and six-switch varieties!) Don't like switches at all? There's the Flashback 2! (And that comes with a ton of games! What? You want games that aren't included? You can modify it!) But if you would love a good video game system but just don't have a lot of space for it, why not go with the Atari 2600jr.? All the functionality of the other models, but a smaller footprint -- and a removable AV cord!

- Tired of your CD- and DVD-based games getting scratched up and unplayable? The Atari VCS features games on a special medium that has proven to work for 31 years! Tired of waiting for the CD or DVD to spin up and for that long boot and intro screen? The VCS cartridge format eliminates both!

- You like role playing games? Adventure games? Puzzle games? Sports games? Racing games? Classic arcade games? Space shoot-'em-ups? Look no further than the Atari VCS!

- "But my TV is too new to be able to connect the console to!" I hear you cry. Poppycock, I say! March yourself down to Radio Shack or Fry's and get an RCA-to-coax converter! While you're there, pick up some DB9 splitters so you can leave your joysticks plugged in while you play a paddle game!

- New titles are always available! Favorites from the past few years include Strat-O-Gems Deluxe, Stella's Stocking, This Planet Sucks, and the classic Lady Bug!

Need I say more?

Just a little shakin' goin' on

2008-04-22T12:48:00.001-04:00

No, I did not feel the earthquake.

I just wish everybody would shut up about it. Geez...a little bit of rumbling that caused virtually no damage, and all the morning shows ignore news and weather and take calls from people who felt it and said that it was a little shaking and nothing else.

Careful with that axe, Dauber.

2008-03-14T13:27:00.002-04:00

This past Wednesday night I found myself waiting for a southbound Brown Line train at the Paulina stop. (For those of you unfamiliar with Chicago, it's pronounced "paul EYE nah," not "paul EE nah.") As usual when I'm in public by myself, I was listening to my iPod in "Shuffle" mode. Pink Floyd's "Careful With That Axe, Eugene," the live version from Ummagumma, came up. It's one of the very few post-Syd Barrett Pink Floyd tunes that I can tolerate.

I gotta tell ya that as I was slowly walking down the platform, only one other person about 25 feet in front of me, I felt very sinister. Really, the music made me feel like I was going to sneak up on that guy and hack him to death with an axe.

Only thing is...I didn't have an axe...oh, yeah...and I'm also not the kind of person who would sneak up on someone and hack him to death. I kind of like to, well...let people live, and I even go so far as to never hurt anybody. But man...that music can sure make you feel sinister.

Go, you Dauber-fat, go!

2008-03-08T23:44:00.002-05:00

Any of you who read my most recent posting (besides this one, of course!) might be wondering what I decided in terms of working out. Well, I told myself to STFU and do what's best, so I went to the Y and worked out and lifted weights for about an hour. And you know what? I felt damn good about myself afterwards.

Today my wife and I started taking tennis lessons; we'd heard that tennis is a good way to lose weight. So far, we're both really digging it.

Now to end this useless post with a random observation: Stevie Wonder is a genius.

We can work it out.

2008-03-05T16:54:00.002-05:00

I'm really in a quandary.

My wife and I recently joined the Y so we can get into some sort of shape. She has prior commitments tonight, so I figured I'd stop at the Y on the way home and do a workout for an hour or so. But I'm having second thoughts...yeah, I'm overweight and I really would like to know what it's like to be slim. I have some things to consider...

I'm dead tired, and it's the middle of the afternoon. There's no way I'm going to get enough energy to do an hour of cardio by 6:00.
I can't go anywhere without hearing about the Obama vs. Hillary thing. I want to get the hell away from politics. I know damn well I'll be hearing it in the radio at the Y, seeing it on the TV sets, etc. At least if I go home, I can go into another room and work on some projects.
Locker rooms annoy me...the concrete scent, finding a locker, wading through crowds, and...looking at other people's dicks. I have no problem undressing in front of other people, and I don't care if someone else sees me nekked, but...I just don't want to see other people nekked. I recently saw one of my coworkers there, completely in the buff. I wish I hadn't. Don't get me wrong, he's not a bad-looking guy, and he's in pretty good shape, but I really don't want to see him without clothes on.
I forgot to bring a towel with me, so showering isn't an option, and I'd be taking public transit home. If I had the car it wouldn't be a problem, as it only takes a few minutes to drive home from there, but mass transit takes longer, and that means my sweat and B.O. would be making their acquaintance with other passengers...and the CTA Red Line is bad enough as it is.

Am I just making excuses? No, not really. but what the heck do I do? *sigh* ah well...

2008-02-25T17:06:00.003-05:00

On a couple of message boards I frequent, there were "post your desktop" threads.

When I was doing some winter-cleaning on my Dell tower, I came across a screenshot I took one day a few years ago from the time when, on the Linux side of my AmigaOne, I was copying files via drag-and-drop and accidentally dropped a ton of files into the "Desktop" directory.

The result: quite scary...

Politics.......ewwwwwww!

2008-02-20T13:35:00.002-05:00

Okay, so maybe I don't find politics quite as offensive as I implied previously.

But right now, all I can say is.....GOOOOOOOOOOOOO, BARACK!!!

Now, I'm not one of those "gay-for-Barack" or "bi-for-Barack" types (aka "Birackis"), but...how can you not love the guy? I have nothing against Hillary Clinton, don't get me wrong, but...c'mon, he's Barack!

A sudden realization

2008-01-23T23:51:00.000-05:00

It just hit me earlier this morning...

I'm 33 years old, and to this day I've never in my life called anybody "Toots."

My new toy

2008-01-04T01:00:00.001-05:00

I'm so psyched.

I went to Best Buy and took some cash I got for Christmas and a little bit more money and put it down on a new computer. I was getting fed up with Windows (and Linux, for that matter), its slowness, and basically it being a not-fun system to use. Plus, I wanted something that will facilitate multitrack recording and MIDI sequencing without having to shell out hundreds more dollars. That led me to...a Mac. Specifically, a MacBook, as I don't like the thought of an all-in-one computer such as the iMac, and there was no way in hell I was going to drop nearly $3000 on the tower model. While I'm better off financially than I've been in a long time, I opted for the MacBook that's not the Pro model -- the guy at Best Buy told me basically that the MacBook Pro is really only a significant advantage if I'm really into gaming.

So I bought my MacBook, named her Cermac, and took her home. Wow...this machine is a dream! And this is coming from someone who was a die-hard Amiga user from 1993 to 2006. Unfortunately, due to various circumstances, I had to sell my AmigaOne in the summer of 2006. But before I got Cermac I'd been itching to get another AmigaOne, as I didn't think there could be a better machine. I was wrong.

I can't believe I'm going against my Amiganess, but...this MacBook is my favorite computer I've EVER used!

It boots almost instantly, much like the AmigaOne.

I was actually able to repartition the hard drive without any data being erased -- I always thought repartitioning meant that you'd have to reinstall everything!

GarageBand...'nuff said! I know, it's not CakeWalk/SONAR/whatever, but it does the job for me.

The manual is so welcoming it's disgusting. Not that that's a bad thing, mind you.

I'm able to connect to my place-of-work's VPN without losing my Internet connection; I could never do that in Windows.

Software installation is so easy that a brick can do it.

Cermac was able to pick up the shared drives from our Wintel boxes -- WITHOUT ANY CONFIGURATION! I had a lot of trial and error to get Windows to do that, and I never was able to figure out how to get Linux to recognize our shares.

My wireless networking autoconfigured in about half a second. All I had to do was type in the WEP key.

The dock is really cool! I know, you can probably get a similar one for Windows and whatever Linux distro you prefer, but on the Mac it comes with the OS.

I was able to make some changes on my FAT32-formatted iPod without having to reformat it.

The dashboard is way cool, especially with the flight tracking widget!

The "MagSafe" power supply connector is a nice feature -- magnetic force keeps the power supply connected, and it breaks away very cleanly in cases of trippage. Gotta love it!

I really don't know what much else to say. As much as I loved the Amiga -- from my early Amiga days of using OS 2.05 to the PowerPC days of OS4 -- I have to say that no computer has ever been more a joy to use than my new MacBook.

And no, unfortunately, I'm not being paid by Steve Jobs (or anyone, for that matter) to say these wonderful things...I really mean all this stuff!

2007-11-06T18:05:00.000-05:00

It occurred to me that I've had this blog going for over two years, but yet readers don't know all that much about the man behind the typing. Just a few things about me...

First of all, I always respond to personal e-mails. Always. If ever I don't, it simply means there was some kind of technical problem -- either my e-mail isn't working, my DSL is down, or I just don't feel like turning on a computer.

Second...I hate politics. I think all politicians are evil, and a Democrat is just as bad as a Republican or Green Party candidate or a Libertarian or even a Federalist or Whig. I don't get involved in political discussions. Do I vote? Oh yeah. I always vote for the candidate for whom I can find the least corruption. And although I vote, I strongly disagree with those people who say, "Well, if you don't vote, you have no right to complain." Who has more right to complain? Someone who didn't vote out of extreme apprehension of all candidates and ergo didn't elect a complete tool, or someone who voted because it's "our duty to vote" and votes in someone who needs to have a vasectomy performed on him using nothing but the edge of paper and no anesthetic?

Abortion?? Well...I honestly don't know where I stand on that. On one hand, it kind of disturbs me that it's easily possible to, as it was described to me the first time I ever heard that term as a small child, "kill the baby before it's born," and I frown on abortion as a method of birth control, but on the other hand, I can understand why someone wouldn't be opposed to it, and I'm all in favor of abortion if it means literally saving someone's life. What I don't agree with are the people who feel it necessary to picket outside of a Planned Parenthood clinic because they think Planned Parenthood is just an abortion clinic. (That's an odd way to plan parenthood, isn't it?) Instead of marching around these places, why don't these people do something to help those who are making these places a seeming necessity in the first place? Why not try to encourage those with unplanned pregnancies to look for alternate routes? Oh, yeah, that's right; that's something Planned Parenthood would do.

Religion? I'm technically Catholic -- that is, I was baptized and confirmed Catholic, but...well...let's just say I don't go to church as often as I should. Then again, a friend of mine who's a much better Christian than I ever was once said that being in a church makes you no more Christian than being in a garage makes you a car. I don't agree with everything my church leaders tell me I'm supposed to. I've got nothing against non-heterosexuals and in fact am in favor of same-sex marriage. I don't shun people I'm supposed to shun. I hardly call abstaining from meat for a few Fridays during the Spring "fasting;" so instead of a hot dog, I'll have a lobster tail! Yeah! Spirituality, here I come! It is said that Jesus Christ is the founder of the Roman Catholic Church, yet it seems my religion is so judgmental and hateful of a lot of things. Do my fellow Catholics not realize that our founder very happily broke bread with prostitutes and thieves and chose a murderer to be one of his followers?

Food? My tastes are somewhere between open-minded and pain-in-the-ass. I like a variety of food -- standard US cuisine, fast food, Chinese food, Spanish food, Mexican food, Indian food, Italian food...but I get really picky when it comes to what's IN the food. I find onions disgusting -- so disgusting that I bit into a piece of onion once and I actually threw up upon tasting it. Anything from the leek family disgusts me. I don't like tomatoes or chunks of tomato, but I eat tomato sauce and ketchup. Under no circumstances will I eat mushrooms -- hel-LOooooo, a mushroom is a fungus! Mushrooms sometimes grow on people's bathroom floors! Athlete's foot is also a fungus; ergo, eating a mushroom is analogous to eating athlete's foot. Do you really want to eat that?

Dream vacation? Vegas. Did that several times already, and I can't wait to (afford to) go back.

Favorite movie? The Blues Brothers, hands down.

Worst movie, IMHO? "Manos" The Hands Of Fate?? no. Plan 9 From Outer Space? No way. Gigli? Oh, come on. It has to be a tie between Viva Las Vegas and Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. Just as a way to encourage you to never watch either of these movies, I'll give away the endings. In Viva Las Vegas Elvis Presley plays a race car driver named Lucky Jackson, and only about five minutes of the movie actually is set in Las Vegas. There's a woman played by Ann-Margaret (movie sucked too badly for me to remember her character's name or purpose in the movie), and the two characters hate each other and bicker throughout the entire movie. Near the end of the movie there's a talent contest, and both characters perform in it. The last scene in the movie cuts to a wedding -- Lucky and the Ann-Margaret character get married. In Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, there's no dialogue because none of the cast could act, so George Burns narrates the whole thing and sings "Fixing A Hole." At the end of the movie, Billy Shears, played by Peter Frampton, is mourning over his girlfriend's death, and her casket is carried as the cast sings "Carry That Weight." Depressed, Billy jumps off the roof of a tall building in a suicide attempt, but in mid-fall, Billy Preston as Sgt. Pepper comes dancing down the street singing "Get Back," and he points at things and zaps them back (to where they once belonged, I guess) -- Billy is put back on the roof, and the girlfriend is raised from the dead, and all assumedly live happily ever after. (I swear to God, I am not making this up.)

Occupation? Well...I have two jobs, both at the same company, both in the education industry. That's all I have to say about that without rambling even more.

Dream job? Driving the little pickup truck at the airport that tows the huge planes.

Favorite TV shows? The Office. Scrubs. 30 Rock. Family Guy. The Simpsons pre-Season 10.

Favorite music? The Beatles. Brian Wilson. Logan Whitehurst. Tom Lehrer. Wondermints.

Hobbies? Computers, of course. Music as well...I play guitar and bass for fun and a little bit of piano, and I'm a frequent student at the Old Town School of Folk Music in Chicago.

Ehhh, I'll just leave it at that for now.

Random thoughts for a random day

2007-10-16T15:12:00.000-04:00

I finally wrote Scattered Frog's first song, start to finish. Man, that felt good.

It's just a weird feeling knowing that The Beach Boys came frighteningly close to having three songs on their 20/20 album whose composers spent time in prison for murder. Huddie Ledbetter, Charles Manson...but Spector got off on a bad court thingy.

Speaking of The Beach Boys...I'm still reeling from this...the night before Thanksgiving 2006 my wife and I went to see Brian Wilson at the Beacon Theater in New Yuck City. Admission: free, as a friend of ours is friendly with Jeff Foskett, and he was able to set her up with four tickets. PSML's Leon Lively and his wife were originally bookmarked for two of those tickets, but they had to fly back home that day, so we ended up with them. We picked up the tickets at will call, and with those tickets were ALL-ACCESS PASSES. My wife wanted to use those basically just to thank Jeff after the show, so we went to the green room. Jeff was there, and he surprisingly remembered us after a few meetings in the past. We thanked him, and a few feet away was Ritchie Havens, Al Jardine, Darian Sahanaja, Nelson Bragg, a few guys from one of Nelson's band, and the big guy himself: Brian Wilson. He was pouring himself a cup of coffee or maybe water, whatever was in that pitcher. My wife had the balls to walk up to him and say, "Hi, Brian. I'm Lisa, and this is my husband Sean." He smiled, extended his hand, and said "Hi, Lisa!" Then he extended his hand my way. Wow...holy effing poop...BRIAN GODDAMNED WILSON OFFERED ME A HANDSHAKE!!! AND I SHOOK HIS HAND!!!!!!!! THE GUY WHO DID PET SOUNDS AND SMILE!!!! She continued: "We got together because of Pet Sounds." Brian said, "Whoa! Great!" I don't know what was more amazing...that we got to shake his hand, or that he was not the same Brian we'd seen in years past -- he was very open, very welcoming, and genuinely smiling.

I have an additional outlook on life. I try to be optimistic as often as I can, so I now say: "Shit happens. And when it does, you flush it."

Why is it that, when Hurricane Katrina destroyed 25% of the nation's oil refineries, gas prices went up 100%?

I saw the first episode of The Price Is Right that CBS aired with Drew Carey as the host. I'm okay with the minor changes they made, and Drew seemed very rusty but can probably improve with practice. I was really hoping they'd bring back the head-in-a-triangle thing they used to do with the wheel, but nope. I miss the head-in-a-triangle thing.

Are you one of those people with a myspace or facebook page but are wary of potential employers seeking you out to see how silly you are? Put on your front page this message: "Attention, those of you seeking out my myspace/facebook account in hopes of finding some dirt on me that you can use against hiring me: this is what I do on my personal time. What I do on my own time is my own fucking business. P.S.: I also have plenty of experience with Microsoft Excel and SAP." Let me know how your job search goes.

You just can't make this stuff up.

2007-09-15T23:28:00.001-04:00

My wife and I were recently going through a box of records that I think I accidentally grabbed at my parents' old house some months back. She found this little piece of amusement...

I don't think anything further needs to be said.

Things I Hate When People Say

2007-08-23T13:36:00.000-04:00

behoove -- I just plain hate this word. No reason. I don't know why I hate it; I just do.

Chicagoland area -- "Chicagoland" indicates the Chicago area!

comfterble -- The word is "comfortable." Let's break it down: com for ta ble. Four syllables. How the hell do you get "comfterble" from this??? Especially because the word is spelled with the R before the T?!

diction -- It's not so much that I hate when people use the word "diction." I hate it when people use it but don't know what it means. Diction has nothing to do with the way someone talks, i.e. "he has good diction." Diction means "word choice." The word you probably want to use is "enunciation."

flight deck -- I don't mind this term, really, but I really hate it when a pilot actually says it. It's much more than just a euphemism for "cockpit," my friends; there's a difference. If the pilot makes an announcement and says it's from the "cockpit," the announcement will just be a standard update with weather conditions, ETA, etc. But if the announcement begins "From the flight deck..." then it means that your flight is going to be severely delayed.

forté -- It really grinds my gears when people say "forté" when they really mean "forte" (pronounced like Fort Bragg, Fort Monmouth, Fort Lee, Fort Gordon, etc.). "Forte" -- one syllable -- is the French word meaning "strength." "Forté" is an Italian musical term meaning "loud."

Good Samaritan -- Anybody who's been to Catholic school can tell you what's wrong with this phrase. Basically, a Samaritan was an outcast from Samaria; Samaritans were to be hated. So basically, "good Samaritan" roughly means "nice asshole," which is a phrase that I believe would make news stories quite interesting. "A nice asshole today stopped and helped a damsel in distress..." Think twice before you use the mistakenly well-intentioned phrase "good Samaritan."

kitty-corner -- Look, the word is "catercorner." It's not "kitty-corner" or "katty-corner." It's "catercorner."

Moore, Demi -- I'm not a fan of the actress, but listen, folks: her name is not "Demmy." It's "Demi." d@ MEE. (I don't know how to type a schwa, so pretend the at-sign is a schwa!)

route -- I have no problem with the word "route," but with people who pronounce it "root" and are supposedly speaking English. Listen, people, in the English language, it's pronounced "rowt." Is that thing that splits your Internet connection a "rooter"? No! It's a router! Ergo, Interstate 80 is ROUTE 80, not ROOT 80! Is that thing you live in a "hoos"? What about that little rodent in your HOUSE that you're trying to get rid of -- is it a "moos"? No!

666 -- Another thing going back to my Catholic school roots, it bugs me that people automatically associate "666" with Satan. When St. John authored Revelation, the number "666" was one of the many witty remarks made not just in the book of Revelation but throughout the Bible. When John referred to "the beast" and that "his number is six hundred threescore and six," he was actually referring to Emperor Nero. Back in Nero's day, letters all had numeric value -- which is one reason that we have a thing called "Roman numbers" (X for 10, C for 100, etc.). The numerical value in Nero's name happened to add up to 666, so St. John took advantage of that fact for a sly verbal attack on the hated emperor.

"The time is now 9:30" -- or whatever time it is that's close to your closing time. Uhhh, chicky-baby, the verb "is" means "now"! So drop the "now"!

Pat Paul: teacher, basketball coach, Joliet sports writer

2007-06-30T10:11:00.000-04:00

Patrick F. Paul
April 3, 1955 - June 28, 2007

I really need to take some time to eulogize this dude. Please forgive me if this writing is rather clunky or in other ways not the best piece of writing, but I just want to get all my thoughts out.

Mr. Paul was my eighth-grade teacher at St. Patrick's Grade School in Joliet, Illinois. I went to St. Pat's for seventh and eighth grade after my family moved from Bourbonnais to Joliet. In seventh grade Mr. Paul was my teacher for reading and social studies as well, so I had him as a teacher for two years. Shortly after I got to work yesterday, my mother called me and told me that he had died from liver cancer. Wow. I was shocked. I never knew that he was sick -- indeed, he only knew about the cancer since January or February. I remember he said that nobody in his family had ever lived past the age of 50. I was happy to see that he lived past his 50th birthday (and just recently realized that his older sister also had beaten that family streak), but I really wish he'd lived to see many more years.

You may have noticed from the size of the scrollbar that this is going to be an extremely long post. Well, it's gotta be. Mr. Paul was my favorite teacher ever. It's just amazing how well you can get to know a guy in two short school years and just how knowing him can really have an effect on your life.

The picture at the top of this post is one I took of Mr. Paul on our eighth-grade class trip to Great America in May of 1988, shortly after graduation. That pose is very typical of him, as indeed he is a unique guy. (Yes, he passed on, but that doesn't mean he no longer exists; ergo, I'll refer to him in the present tense.) Speaking of Great America, that was the year that the Shock Wave opened. Mr. Paul was really excited about riding that roller coaster. I think it went something like 250 feet high and went as fast as 60mph and had several loops and corkscrews. Mr. Paul always loved thrill rides. I get motion sickness on those kinds of rides (plus, I don't like being upside-down!), so I passed. Heh....I remember walking past the American Eagle, which is one of those roller coasters that at one point was in the Guinness Book of World Records for speed or something, and I believe to this day it's a wildly popular ride at Great America (and other Six Flags parks). What did I see? Mr. Paul had just gotten off the American Eagle, and he had this huge smile on his face and I watched him run like a madman off the ride that had just finished, and he again ran like a madman to go right back on it! (Seriously, I was amazed he could run as fast as he did -- he was a big guy -- but man, I never saw anybody run so fast!)

That was really the last time I saw him as Mr. Paul, my teacher. He was a sports writer for the Herald News (it used to have a hyphen in the name, so if I slip and insert the hyphen, please forgive me) -- or, as most Jolietans call it, the Herald Snooze, as it's such a boring paper, with its sports section being its saving grace. I went to Joliet Catholic for high school, so I got to see Mr. Paul quite a lot when he covered the games. I got to see him in church a lot, too, as he always went to 10:00 mass, so we kept up. Every time I saw him after eighth grade was over, we'd shake hands, and he'd always say, "Ooh! Great handshake!" Even when I last saw him a couple of years ago, he complimented me on my handshake, as if he were the one who taught me how to shake hands. Ever the wisecracker, when I introduced him to my wife Lisa that day, he had to say, "Oh, you mean Saint Lisa, if she has to live with you!"

From what I could always tell, most people absolutely loved Mr. Paul. There were some people who hated him, though, and whom he kind of rubbed the wrong way. I could understand that, as there were times when he tended to be a little bit sexist, and sometimes one of his teaching methods involved humiliation (indeed, once because of circumstances beyond my control I didn't turn in a major research paper in on time, and he had to ask me in front of the entire class why I didn't turn it in). Despite personally experiencing some reasons that people wouldn't like him, Mr. Paul always was, by far, my favorite teacher, and someone whom I thank God I had the privilege of knowing. Indeed, as saddened as I am by his passing, the sadness immediately goes away with practically every memory. As I've typed this blog post and during the things I've shared about Mr. Paul with my wife in the past day, I had to stop because I was laughing so hard.

Teacher
Needless to say, Pat Paul was a great teacher...and others must have thought so, too, as he taught at St. Pat's since he graduated from college, and he kept that job for the rest of his life. I always saw him as more of an explainer than anything. He helped us understand exactly what caused certain things to happen in history, and often was socratic in his teaching techniques. He'd get so into teaching certain things that he'd have the entire class chanting things. At certain points we just knew went to chant, in unison, until he gave us a conductor-like "stop" gesture, "IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!" He was a very emphatic guy, too -- he would often slam his pointer on his podium or someone's desk just to emphasize, say, the gusto George Washington had against the British. By the end of the year, his three-foot pointer was reduced to something that wasn't much longer than a finger.

Sometimes he'd "underline" something on the blackboard with his pointer. It was clear that the only reason he'd do that was to freak people out with the squeaking sound -- and the sound would be heard not only by the students in his classroom but also by Mrs. Harms and her class in the room next door. Mrs. Harms would respond by having people go to the wall and pound on it.

At St. Pat's we'd eat lunch in the classroom. Mr. Paul could smell tuna a mile away. He'd look up and yell, "WHO HAS TUNA?!" Whoever it was who had tuna would be banished to the coat closet in the back of the room until the tuna was gone. I remember Jeff Belom was small enough that Mr. Paul was actually able to close the door behind him.

One thing Mr. Paul would do is if two boys would ask to use the bathroom within a short time, he'd make one wait for at least two minutes after the other would return. He explained that he had to do that in case one was sneaking a smoke from Mr. Fenili's stash of cigarettes (Mr. Fenili was the maintenance guy, who also recently passed) and lighting another one for the next person -- he said he figured it'd be about two minutes before the cigarette would completely burn out. Of course, he said this all tongue-in-cheek....we think.

Every day he'd have Julie Zolecki go down to the teachers' lounge to bring him coffee. Why her? Well, because the way she'd mix the creamer and sugar was just the right touch. Yup, he had a designated coffee girl in the class! One day when she was absent, Jeff Belom got pissed at him for being so insistent that SHE be the one who got him coffee every day. He nagged Mr. Paul into letting him do it the day Julie was absent, so just to shut Jeff up he let him do it. He took one drink of the coffee and nearly spit the whole thing out all over the place!

Speaking of Jeff Belom...Mr. Paul was always good for a loan, like if you need to borrow a dime or something to make a phone call or whatever. Every day after taking roll, he'd run down the list of people who owed him money: "Barrett, you have the ten cents you owe me?....Engle, you have the thirty cents you owe me?" Mr. Paul had, next to the classroom door, a garbage can with a miniature basketball hoop over it, and of course he'd always be attempting to sink a shot from his chair in front of the podium all the way at the other end of the room. One day he decided he was going to throw out a piece of paper, but behind his back. Jeff Belom opened up his mouth and said, "I'll give you ten dollars if you make it!" Yeah, ten dollars isn't much, but mind you, to an eighth-grader, that's gold! He threw the wadded-up paper around his back, and the damn thing went right through the net! So added to the list every morning: "Belom, you got the ten dollars you owe me?" He eventually paid, too!

One thing that I love to tell people about when I tell them about Pat Paul is the coin bank he had that was a bust of Abraham Lincoln. Guess where the coins go in.

I mentioned before that I first lived in Bourbonnais. That's a pretty useless town in the Kankakee area. Kankakee itself is just a really crappy place to live. I always knew that, and I always hoped that I'd get the hell away from there, so I was thrilled when my parents decided to move to Joliet. Mr. Paul took great joy in reminding me that I was from Kankakee. On my first day at St. Pat's, he told the class that Kankakee is the armpit of Illinois. I totally agreed with him, but he disagreed with me why. He pulled down a map of Illinois and pointed out Kankakee, and showed that it was located right under the arm of Illinois that Lake Michigan chewed off, ergo it's the armpit of Illinois. Anytime I made a stupid mistake in class or did something not right, he'd tell me that it's understandable because I was from Kankakee. He said, "But next year, you can't use that excuse, because after a year, you're no longer from Kankakee."

Indeed, a few years ago, he sent me an e-mail about the St. Pat's alum newsletter. The subject line of the e-mail: "Hey, Kankakee boy!"

The Stories
In particular I remember the stories Mr. Paul tell. That's undoubtedly what really made people have such fondness for him, that we all became part of his life with these stories. I remember his story about when he was in eighth grade -- at St. Pat's -- and someone had written some nasty stuff about Mrs. Martis, one of the other teachers (and she was the music teacher when I was there), and it hurt her so much that she was in tears. As usual, the eighth-grade boys were blamed for it. (Mr. Paul said the eighth-grade boys were blamed for everything.) It was announced that the eighth-grade boys were being kept after school because of what was written on the wall until somebody confessed. Mr. Paul was talking about how it looked like one of the kids was just about ready to crack, nearly in tears. The kid said, "It was me, I did it!" The principal said, "Okay, what did you write?" "The Cubs Will Shine In '69." heh....turns out that not only did the eighth-grade boys know exactly what was written and that it was about Mrs. Martis, but none of the eighth-grade boys actually did it -- it was a fourth- or fifth-grader!

Then there was the time when St. Pat's allowed kids to go home for lunch. Mr. Paul and his friends would always go home for lunch to watch the Bozo Show and watch the "Bozo buckets," as he'd call it. (If you don't know exactly what the buckets are, please look it up -- I don't want to explain the whole thing now!) But one day for some reason, he missed it. When he got back to school, his friends asked him, "DID YOU SEE IT?!?!" "What?" Mr. Paul explained that his friends told him that a kid missed a bucket, and Bozo did his whole "oh, that's too bad" routine, to which the disappointed kid replied, "[blank] you, Bozo!" (Remember, Mr. Paul was telling this story to twelve-year-olds in a Catholic school, so he actually said the word "blank" when telling the story!) Bozo's reply was, "Now, that's a Bozo no-no!" The kid's reponse to that: "Kiss my [blank], clown!" Mr. Paul said that he refused to believe that, they must have been putting him on. But as he walked around the playground during post-lunch recess, EVERYBODY was talking about it. He walked around and overheard choruses of "DID YOU SEE IT!!!??!?" We all asked Mrs. Harms later about it, if she remembered anything like that from that time, and her response: "Oh my God, it must have been true, then! I remember hearing rumors about that!" My friend Robin, whom I met years later and had kids in St. Pat's around the same time I was there, also told a similar Bozo story. "No, he didn't say eff-you or kiss my ass. I know who the kid was. He actually said 'Cram it, clown.'" (I think she even attached a name to the kid.) Unfortunately, years later, I found this story online. But it was still a good story!

And of course Mr. Paul's story of his first haircut, when his dad took him to Banana Joe's, and it was such a disaster that his father was throwing up outside.

I was surprised at how many times the Herald-Snews would refer to Mr. Paul as "Boomer" in their stories eulogizing him. Why? Well, because in one of the stories he told us, he mentioned that one of his friends called him "Boomer," and that was the only time we ever heard of that nickname. We asked him why he was called that, and he refused to tell us. But apparently it's something all of his many friends called him.

Man, I could go on about the stories Mr. Paul would tell...

Two Miracles
Mr. Paul was very proud of what he considered two miracles that he performed, each being the resurrection of a pet. One miracle he said he couldn't take full credit for because a vet helped him out, but he temporarily brought his dog Smokey back from the dead. His other, uhh...miracle...was the result of when he lost his temper. As his story went, he had a goldfish, and one day he noticed it was floating...not moving at all, not reacting to any nudging, tapping, whatever. He got so mad that he picked up the lifeless fish out of the bowl, squeezed the hell out of it, and angrily threw it back in the bowl. Much to his amazement, the fish came back to life and swam around the bowl!

Basketball Coach
I had the pleasure of playing basketball for St. Pat's in the eighth grade and had Mr. Paul as a coach. We all learned tremendously from him. He had established two goals for us: a trophy in every tournament and 25 wins for the season. Unfortunately, we missed the 25 wins goal by one game, but we did get a trophy in every tournament, and he was proud of us for doing that. The fact is, we were a kick-ass basketball team, and Mr. Paul is the reason we were.

I can still remember the plays...there were "Open" and "Motion," plays that didn't require a lot from the center except maybe setting a pick. The team favorite was a play called "Spread," in which pretty much every player on the court got to handle the ball at some point, depending on the position of the guard, and this meant that if the time was right, any player could score. Of course, there was a play that Mr. Paul called "Irish," and one day he came up with a new play that he couldn't think of a name for, so he asked us to come up with a name for it. We decided on "KATS," which at least back then was a commonly-used acronym for "Kick ass, they suck." Mr. Paul liked that particularly because when the guard would yell the name of the play, the other team would be put off -- "WHAT?! We don't suck!" Because there's no shot clock in eighth-grade basketball we had a stalling play called "Four Corners," which was just that -- the guard had the ball, and the other four players would go into the four corners of our half of the court. The guard would very slowly dribble around, walk up to one of the four corner players, and throw the ball to each other.

Even something that's seemingly insignificant to the sports world in general as eighth-grade basketball was a big deal for Mr. Paul; he took it quite seriously, but definitely knew how to make sure we had a good time as well. But one thing he definitely took seriously was beating St. Paul. It was his life's mission, it seemed, to make sure we never lost against St. Paul. I don't know why them in particular. Yes, they played extremely well and they were a tough opponent, but to this day why they were Mr. Paul's target, I have no idea. I remember in particular the St. Pat's basketball tournament in 1988...the night we played against St Paul...Mr. Paul was seriously revved up, complete with an excited grin that just refused to leave his face. Mr. Paul felt the need to wear a white shirt and a tie for the occasion. This was not the championship game of the tournament, but the game was extremely important to him. After Mr. Paul talked to us in the locker room and got up and left, assistant coach Pat Ryan gave us a little pep talk. "Okay, guys, you saw the look on Mr. Paul's face. He's really been looking forward to this game. Winning this game is much more important to him even than winning the tournament. He's even wearing a tie, that's how important it is. So play your hearts out, guys..."

I should disclaim that Mr. Paul was never someone who disliked wearing a tie, but if he wore a tie to a basketball game, you knew it was important. I remember Jim O'Brien calling me the night of the game against St. Ray's and telling me that the word from Mr. Paul was that we were all wearing ties to the game. The annual St. Ray's game was important because basically they were too good to be a regular opponent, never played in the tournaments, and...they had a three-point line. I remember after the game (which we lost!), Mr. Paul proudly announced that Jim O'Brien was not only the first person in history of St. Pat's basketball to attempt a three-pointer but also the first to sink one!

Then there was Braceville, a school that was in the middle of nowhere -- so much so that the toilet town Braidwood was probably considered a major city in Braceville. I seem to remember Mr. Paul told us that the Braceville game was a guaranteed effortless win. Unfortunately, I was sick that night, so I didn't get to play that game. Mr. Paul told me that he overheard a couple of Braceville players say, "Man, did you get a look at the fixin's they got here? They have an electronic clock!" Yie... (My teammates told me that yes, Mr. Paul was telling the truth!) Mr. Paul told me it was a shame I was sick because I would have gotten a lot of playing time and probably even my name in the paper. Sure enough, I saw that Jason Harms, another second-stringer like me, got a mention in the write-up -- usually if you scored more than 10 points in a game your name would make the Herald-Snews in the grade school basketball reviews.

Mr. Paul spent significant time teaching me how to really shoot a free throw. I had always wondered why he picked me to be his model freethrow shooter, considering that I was only a second-stringer and didn't get nearly as much playing time as Ed Clark, our main center, and that I pretty much warmed the bench for many games. But he worked with me almost every single day of practice and showed me how to stand, how to position the ball, and how to aim, until it became second nature. After the season was well under way, I found out why: whenever there was a technical foul against the other team, Mr. Paul would send in a second-stringer to shoot the free throw. It was obvious he wanted to make sure there was some kind of way to make sure everybody could get playing time whenever possible. I rarely got to play in games against tough opponents, like St. Ray's or St. Jude's (in fact, one time when we played St. Jude's, Mr. Paul had me go in for Ed Clark, right up against Charles Jones, who at the age of 13 years was six-foot-two and a damn good player!, I had to restrain myself from yelling at him, "ARE YOU F**KING NUTS??!!"), but if they got a technical foul, either Jason Harms or I (or both of us) got to shoot the free throw. Having said all that...I got a lot of playing time against some of the not-so-tough opponents, Holy Family in particular. During one tournament I played most of the game against Holy Family. During the game I got fouled, so I got to shoot a free throw. Mind you, this was well into the season, and I'd had plenty of playing time for a second stringer and even scored a respectable amount, but I got up to the free throw line and sank the first shot. Now...we were already beating the crap out of Holy Family in this game, but despite that, and the fact that it was only one point added to our already outrageous score, the crowd went nuts. I have no idea why. But you know what? It felt good.

Professional Sports
Anybody who has ever known Mr. Paul even for the shortest time can instantly tell you his three favorite sports teams: L.A. Lakers, New York Yankees, and Green Bay Packers. (Wow...now that Mr. Paul is gone I can say that all Packers fans suck!) Mr. Paul hated the Chicago Bears and especially their fans. In fact, his hatred for The Bears was so big that he would much rather see the Bears lose than the Packers win. (Man, I'm sure glad I wasn't within 10 miles of his house during the opening Bears Vs. Packers game last year!) I remember one day there was a picture in the Sun-Times of Mike Ditka losing his temper and throwing a wad of chewed gum at the crowd. Mr. Paul felt it necessary to hang that picture up in his classroom to show one reason he hated the Bears. In his last column for the Herald-Snews, Mr. Paul lamented that the Bears were going to the Super Bowl. I wouldn't not be surprised if that's exactly the way he would have wanted his final column to be.

Mr. Paul also made his Yankee fandom well known. He had a plush Yankees doll on his desk in the classroom; of course, once in a great while, there was a very, very brave (read: "stupid") person who would attempt to kidnap it for ransom. One of his favorite stories to tell was about Mickey Mantle. He told this story to us in the classroom, and the day Mickey Mantle died he related it in an article he wrote for the Herald-Snews. As I remember in both stories, Mr. Paul went to Comiskey Park when the Yankees played the Sox one day during his childhood. Mickey Mantle comes up to bat. Mr. Paul yells, "Hey, Mick!" Mantle turns around, smiles, and nods to Mr. Paul. That...was probably the greatest moment of Mr. Paul's life: Mickey Mantle acknowledged his existence! I saw in one of the numerous Herald-Snews articles eulogizing Mr. Paul that the Yankees were running out onto the field from the dugout when that moment happened, but I seem to remember hearing that it was when Mantle was up to bat, but that doesn't matter; the point was that Mr. Paul's lifelong idol knew that he existed.

Final Thoughts
I realize that I'm going on and on and haven't even scratched the surface of my memories of Pat Paul. Very briefly...he kept telling us to bring ties to school because he was going to show everybody in the class how to tie a tie, including girls, who could theoretically later in life impress their husbands by helping husbands get dressed; he never did show us, though, mainly because not everybody remembered to bring a tie. Mr. Paul always said how he took French in high school and found it to be the easiest thing in the world to learn; I remembered that when I had to sign up for a foreign language in high school, and sure enough, I always aced French, so I have Mr. Paul to thank for that. When we studied World War I, Mr. Paul wanted us to get a feel for what it was like for soldiers to fight in the wilderness, so he borrowed a portable stereo record player from another teacher and put on Pink Floyd's "Several Species Of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together In A Cave And Grooving With A Pict;" he then told us how he used to love to freak his dog out by playing that. He played Allan Sherman records to us that happened to correspond to certain lessons; in particular I remember "America's A Nice Italian Name" and "You Went The Wrong Way, Old King Louie;" to this day I'm an Allan Sherman fan because of that.

I imagine someday a St. Pat's alum or an old friend of Mr. Paul's will write a biography on him. Heck, I imagine I could write volumes just on the two years that I had him as a teacher. Again, I need to mention how blessed I feel to have known him, how lucky I was. I'd like to end this paean to Pat Paul with...

Boomerisms
Being the unique guy he was, Mr. Paul had his own vocabulary. Shortly after I learned of Mr. Paul's death, I recalled a lot of words and phrases that became part of the vernacular in his classroom. Here's what I remember so far...

Bimbo Box
The "Bimbo Box" was, quite simply, the lost-and-found box in Mr. Paul's classroom. I remember once in seventh grade I thought I left something in Mr. Paul's classroom, so I got to school early the next day to check the Bimbo Box. I went in, and instead of Mr. Paul, there was this nun who had to be at least 243 years old; it was Sr. Marguerite, who regularly subbed for him if he had to take a day off. Man, it felt awkward explaining to her that I needed to check the Bimbo Box.

Dirty Scum
When we'd have homework assignments to turn in that may have been more than a page long and ergo required stapling, Mr. Paul would pass his stapler around. If there were no staples left by the time it got to you, you were a Dirty Scum. If it ran out of staples a SECOND time in one passing-around and you got the stapler that time, you were a Double-Dirty Scum.

Five-Minute Birthday Party
I found out what the Five-Minute Birthday Party was basically by being the first of the 1986-1987 school year to receive one. If Mr. Paul found out it was your birthday, here's what the five-minute birthday party consisted of:

Your classmates would serenade you with "Happy Birthday To You" with the "you belong in a zoo" lyrics.
Mr. Paul had a few birthday candles in his drawer. He'd pull one out, light it, and have you blow it out. It may or may not be a trick candle. (Mine was a trick candle.)
You'd get to bounce a rubber ball once.
Mr. Paul would give you a penny. If you shared your birthday with Mr. Paul, you'd get a nickel.
You'd have the privilege to look at Mr. Paul's prized Bozo button.
Finally, you'd get to blow the Oscar Meyer Weiner Whistle. Unfortunately, it went missing for a while, so the first few birthdays of the 1986-1987 school year were celebrated instead with the Good'n'Fruity Choo-Choo Charlie whistle. In either case, Mr. Paul would sanitize it by wiping it on his shirt, then hand it over to you to blow. He'd also show you how you could play different notes on the Oscar Meyer Weiner Whistle.

Frank Watkins Memorial Study Corner
Sometimes for misbehaving in class, a student would be banished to the southeast corner of the classroom, named for a former student from the class of 1986 who was constantly getting in trouble and never did his work. Mr. Paul would sometimes talk about the things Frank did. One thing in particular that I remember him talking about was the project Frank did for the science fair literally at the very last minute, start to finish, on the day of the science fair. Within walking distance of St. Pat's there was a convenience store called Day-n-Nite (which may or may not still be there). What Frank did was go to Day-n-Nite and bought three kinds of ketchup and dribbled them down a large piece of cardboard, and the project was basically comparing the three different ketchups. All I know is that he obviously didn't have Mrs. Harms, who never would have allowed him to get away with that! Mr. Paul always said that Frank was a smart kid, but just didn't do his work; one of Frank's former classmates later told me that that was not true at all, that Frank really was a moron. I remember Mr. Paul saying that Frank was such a problem in school that he wasn't allowed on the class field trip and wasn't even allowed to graduate with his class (they mailed him his diploma). Sadly, Frank was murdered in a drive-by shooting in 1992. Whether Mr. Paul renamed the study corner to avoid disrespecting Frank and his family I don't know; I never thought to ask the many times I saw Mr. Paul after graduation.

Gil Bell
I should disclaim that the spelling of this Boomerism is approximate, and that it might not even be so much a Boomerism as it is a term that was used within his group of friends or if he had a friend named Gil Bell or what. But something that my classmates and I noticed was that when Mr. Paul would tell us a brief story about something rather incredible, he'd tack on "Gil Bell." One day I flat-out asked, "Okay, what does that mean, anyway?" I thought maybe it was something that, had I been going to St. Pat's longer than I have, that I would have known, but it turns out that nobody in the class knew. Mr. Paul explained that you never, ever lie on a "Gil Bell," and if you're ever caught lying on a "Gil Bell," you are never to be believed again. I guess I could give you this theoretical example: "I shot three holes-in-one yesterday. Gil Bell!" I remember once Mr. Paul told us something that seemed particularly outrageous. We said "Really? Say 'Gil Bell!'" He hesitated and said, "Gilbert Bell." We remembered that he told us that any variation of the phrase "Gil Bell" doesn't count, and that it has to be the exact phrase, so we knew he was yanking our chains.

Holy Farmers
Holy Family School/Church on Larkin Avenue in Joliet. Rarely did I ever hear Mr. Paul say "Holy Family." About 99.44% of the time he'd say "Holy Farmers." I'm not quite sure why he called it Holy Farmers. He did once say that it's a fitting description, but I just don't know.

Mr. Paul Ultra-Luxury Cruise Liner
In short, this was the name of the Cadillac that Mr. Paul had when I went to St. Pat's from 1986 to 1988. I was one of the lucky few -- I think there were five -- from the class of '88 to ride in that vehicle. My dad and I once carpooled with him to a basketball game, and I was also among the group of students that rode with him on a class trip. To me, it really was pretty luxurious -- the first time I rode in it, I was amazed that music was coming from...the rear doors! (You see, I was always used to the relatively lame cars with boring AM radios that my parents used to always get!) Mr. Paul's dream car was always a Mercedes. I don't think he ever ended up getting one, but he always made sure he got the nicest car he could afford. The last time I saw him I asked him whether the name "Mr. Paul Ultra-Luxury Cruise Liner" applies to every vehicle he gets, and I seem to remember he said no, that each vehicle had a unique name.

Roughhouse Basketball
Mr. Paul once told us about a variation of basketball that he used to play with his friends, and it's pretty much what it sounds like -- pretty much anything goes. The scoring system was different, too -- you'd score two points for a shot that went in, as usual, but you'd also get a point if you merely hit the backboard, so the best strategy was to get as close to the basket as soon as you could, and repeatedly hit the backboard with the ball as many times as you could and just when you were about to get clobbered, you'd sink the ball. I've never played roughhouse basketball, nor did I ever feel brave enough to do so.

The three cartridges no Atari 7800 fan should be without

2007-06-23T10:28:00.000-04:00

That is, nerdism on my part...yup, I'm an Atari video game nerd.

In my prior post, I mentioned that the Atari Video Computer System, later renamed the Atari 2600, is my favorite system. Well, that's pretty much true, but my favorite console is the Atari 7800. A little background info might be helpful, but beware that I might have some of my history wrong; I recommend reading the forums at Atari Age for the full story and comments and discussion about it...but here's Dauber's fuzzy-memory version:

Atari released a system called Atari 5200, which was meant to be both an improvement from the 2600 and a response to the Mattel Intellivision (and not, despite what many believe, a response to ColecoVision). The 5200 didn't sell very well, though, partly because of really sucky controllers (and you couldn't use 2600 controllers in a 5200 because the ports were different), and partly because not many people with 2600s bought the 5200 because the 5200 wasn't backwards-compatible.

In 1984, the folks at Atari designed the Atari 7800, which was meant to be an improvement on the 5200, and this time Atari got smart: the system was backward-compatible with the 2600, so games for the Atari 2600, for the most part, work with the 7800. To help maintain the backward compatibility, the Atari 7800 used the same chip for sound as did the 2600. Unfortunately, as a result, the sound in 7800 games isn't much better than that of 2600 games. Atari had planned to put a sound chip called POKEY (which was the sound chip in the 5200) into the system for improved sound, but that never happened, although a few 7800 games actually had POKEY chips inside the cartridges to give the games some better sound.

The joysticks packed with the 7800 weren't much of an improvement over the ones packed with the 5200, but the Atari 7800's joystick ports were of the same DB9 style that the 2600 used, so most joysticks on the market could be used in that port; luckily, very few games required the use of the second button that was specially wired on the 7800's controllers.

The 7800 had a very limited release (if any at all) in 1984, but due to various circumstances, the system didn't get a wide release until around 1986 or 1987, and was marketed as a rival to the Nintendo Entertainment System. By this time, the design of the 7800 was slightly modified -- an expansion port was removed; a lucky few consumers did end up with systems that had been collecting dust at Atari since 1984 and actually have the original designs with the expansion port.

Having said all that, the Atari 7800 is a great system, really, with arcade-quality graphics (at least for the 80s!), excellent gameplay, and nowadays a relatively easy system to find at retro stores and on eBay for pretty cheap. And, of course, it plays all the old Atari 2600 games -- for the most part: some Atari 7800 models have compatibility problems with a few select games, such as The Activision Decathlon. I'm one of the lucky ones: my 7800 so far has played every game that anybody has ever tried on it -- the ones that have known compatibility problems, homebrews, and even games from the Supercharger.

As a small guide to those who might be considering an Atari 7800 -- or who alread have one but need to be shown the light -- here are the three carts you absolutely cannot be without, in no particular order:

Food Fight -- I think this game is necessary simply because everybody knows that you gotta have it if you have a 7800! Tragically, the Atari 7800 was the only game system that has a home version of Food Fight; happily, it's an excellent conversion, including an Easter egg that was only recently discovered.

Beef Drop -- This is a homebrew version of the classic Burgertime and is a most excellent recreation. Without this cart, the only way you can play Burgertime on a 7800 is with that godawful 2600 conversion. There is currently an extremely limited supply of Beef Drop available for purchase on Atari Age -- best of luck in getting one! Also, it's pricey, but worth it. Rumor has it there will be another run later; however, the current (limited) run uses a POKEY chip for improved sound; later versions reportedly will only use the 7800's built-in sound.

Pac-Man Collection! -- another homebrew. Actually, this is an elaborately hacked version of the Atari 7800's pretty-good conversion of Ms. Pac-Man. Pac-Man Collection! is, by far, my favorite game cartridge ever. A longtime Pac-Man fan hacked the Ms. Pac-Man game and corrected some of the colors and graphics, made the game more accurate to the arcade version, and added many other Pac-Man options, including "standard" Pac-Man, Pac-Man Plus, and even versions based on bootleg arcade games! There's a high-speed option for those who like the occasional speedup hacks you'd see in arcades once in a while, and you can turn any of the games on the cart into a "Plus" version -- imagine, playing Ms. Pac-Man Plus, which never existed...now it does! This is another title you can get at Atari Age. You'll be thankful you have it.

Dauber On Gaming: My Favorite Video Game System

2007-06-22T10:43:00.000-04:00

Like any other fat, nerdy guy, I enjoy a good video game. I don't care so much for graphics and sound as I care for playability -- a game is nothing if it doesn't have good action.

But before I move on, first thing I want to vent about is this term "gaming." I've only heard that term in the past ten years or so. Let me tell you what "gaming" is: it's "playing video games." That's what it was called back in the early days of video games. But now people want to make it sound like an intellectual pursuit, so they call it "gaming." Oh, just get over yourselves, people; you're not being an intellectual -- you're playing games. Nothing wrong with that in moderation.

Now...if you've read prior posts in this blog, you've probably concluded that I'm a fan of the old-school early 1980s classics, and you're absolutely right. My favorite games, of course, are those of the Atari Video Computer System, often referred to as the "2600." Why? Well, allow me to discuss.

Playability
Yes, the graphics are laughable by today's standards. The sounds are very blippy. But remember, the main thing for which I look in a video game is playability.

For the most part, the games on the 2600 are the types that are not winnable -- they just keep getting harder and harder as you continue, and they never come to an end. These games really scream for competitiveness -- they encourage you to beat your own record. Most modern games have this kind of a pattern: go through a few levels, battle the boss character, beat the boss character, go through more levels, battle the boss character again (with perhaps a slightly different setup), beat the boss character again, repeat this whole process a few more times, and then beat the boss's boss character (or perhaps the "CEO character," as some call it) in a much, much more elaborate situation, and the game's over. Once you do that, what's the point in doing it again? Give me a game of Pac-Man or Burgertime -- they don't come to an end; they just get more challenging.

Of course, there is a major exception to this scenario: a game called Adventure. You have three levels from which to choose, each of which has a definite ending. I don't know what it was about that game, but there was something about it to make me want to play it repeatedly on any of the three levels, and I know I'm not the only one.

Price
Back in the day, Atari games were priced comparably to today's games, if not more expensive (allowing for inflation, of course). But the older the title, the cheaper it was. I still have the box for my copy of Star Raiders, with a Circus World $2.99 price tag on it. I'm sure I only paid about ten bucks for Yars' Revenge. Mind you, this was when Atari was still at the height of its popularity.

But today, price is an even bigger factor in why I like Atari than it ever was before. Why? Well, because nowadays the games are cheap! You can get a buttload of 'em for like $20 on eBay. If you're lucky enough to see Atari games at garage sales or flea markets, they're usually, what? a buck a pop? And I'm blessed to live only a few miles away from a retro video game store that prices the games very reasonably. Yeah, the games are old, but the Atari 2600 library is so huge that it's nearly impossible to complete a collection. But that brings me to this point...

Homebrews
There's a very active "homebrew" community among Atari 2600 fans. In case you don't understand what I mean, a "homebrew" is basically a self-made video game for a given console. There are people who actually know how to program a 2600, test their software on emulators, and have cartridges manufactured. Does it sound kind of disturbingly obsessive to develop for a 30-year-old system? Yup. But you know what? The homebrews tend to be fantastic and really push the limits of the Atari 2600 hardware in ways that game companies never could (or just never did) back in the '80s. It's rare that there isn't a homebrew in development. I've played a few of these user-produced games (and own a few), and seriously, they're just as addicting and fun as the classics were back in the '80s:

Lady Bug -- based on the classic game of the same name. Play the arcade version. Then, play the Atari 2600 homebrew version. Now tell me which one was which. Betcha can't! What's interesting is that back in the day, Coleco was planning to release a version for Atari. Considering how crappy their Atari 2600 versions of Donkey Kong, Donkey Kong Jr., and Zaxxon were, maybe it's good that Lady Bug never came out.

Strat-O-Gems Deluxe -- basically, a homebrew version of the game Columns. You can't argue that the playability is there, but the graphics are also pretty impressive. And what's more -- and this is when it gets kind of scary how far a programmer for an obsolete system will go -- Strat-O-Gems Deluxe actually has voice synthesis. Yes, voice synthesis! A robotic voice, powered by an add-on called AtariVox (plugs into a joystick port, has a phono port for an external speaker), tells you, "Level One complete," among other things.

Toyshop Trouble -- Every year, the folks at Atari Age offer a holiday-themed homebrew for a limited run. John Payson's Toyshop Trouble is truly one of the most creative titles I've ever played. The musical soundtrack is a deceptively complex arrangement loosely based on the verses of "Jingle Bells." Details on the sprites and other graphics are amazingly precise for such a primitive game system. Your character is one of Santa's elves, whose job is to paint uncolored toys so that they're ready for Christmas. The game starts at December 1, and you're given a certain quota of toys you have to paint, and a guide as to what toys get what colors. Each day, more toys and colors get added to your quota. Basically, think of Lucy and Ethel wrapping chocolates, and you have the general idea of what the gameplay is like.

For more info on homebrews and the AtariVox, I strongly advise you to check out the hardware guide and forums on Atari Age.

Nostalgia
'Nuff said.

Modern stuff? No, thanks.
Wii, Playstation 3, whatever else have you...nuh-uh. Not cost-effective, not as playable as I'd like. I briefly considered getting a PSP, as it's more of a palmtop computer, but give me the classics...and by "classics" I mean the consoles manufactured from, say, 1977 to the time Atari 7800 was first manufactured. That's when games were truly fun, addicting, and as the years have proven, replayable.

Download Your Songs, Downgrade Your Music

2007-06-14T10:03:00.000-04:00

It's a shame to look around and watch so many record/tape/CD stores going out of business. My old stomping grounds, Crow's Nest, in Crest Hill, Illinois, went out a couple of years ago. Tower Records is gone. And now, at least one Virgin Megastore is closing. Many blame downloading (both legal and illegal) for the downfall of CDs. Sadly, one must admit that that, combined with a general universal indolence, indeed must be the cause. If only consumers would do some research, think a little, and not be so lazy, we'd still have more of these great stores around. Let's use iTunes, pretty much the standard in music downloading, as an example, and consider the following...

The laziness factor
Yup, laziness. What's easier? Going to a store or library, looking for what you want, finding it, and taking it to the checkout counter; or doing a quick search on iTunes, finding the (non-Beatles) selection you want, and downloading it to your hard drive within seconds?

The cost factor: the value for your money
And how much did that song cost you? Probably ninety-nine cents; not quite a buck. This is fine if it's just a random song you want, say, "Cement Mixer" by The Orlons. But what if you want an entire album's worth of material? (Let's face it, not many people want an entire Orlons album; and those who do would probably buy a collectible reissue CD.) A typical album contains twelve songs, and twelve songs at 99 cents a pop is $11.88, pretty close to what it costs to buy a whole CD. Also, consider that many CDs contain more than twelve songs.

What you don't get from downloading
Keeping in mind that the $11.88 you pay for downloading a dozen songs is just about what a CD costs, let's look at what you get via downloading as opposed to getting the CD. When you download from iTunes, you get basically an MP3 (or another compressed format) that contains data telling you who the artist is, the song, and perhaps other info such as the year of the recording or release, what album it's from, a thumbnail-sized repro of the album's cover art (sometimes both front and back), the composer, stuff like that. When you get a CD, here's what you typically get:

A physical, tangible medium that you can take with you without needing a computer to transfer it

A protective case for easy storage

Liner of some kind, including artwork that's much bigger than what you see on an iPod, often detailed notes about the session crew and artists, sometimes printed lyrics, very often exhaustive stories behind the recording, and God knows what else.

Many modern releases come with a mini-documentary on DVD, usually at no extra charge. Cases in point: George Harrison's Brainwashed, Ringo Starr's Choose Love, and "Weird Al" Yankovic's Straight Outta Linwood.

Sound quality
When you download your music from iTunes and most other providers, you're getting a compressed file that's maybe a few megabytes. Unfortunately, the compression used is what's called a "lossy" compression, meaning that some sound quality is sacrificed in order to make the file small enough to be portable.

MP3 format is easily the most popular sound file format, and of course is a lossy compression scheme. The compression with MP3 files is measured in Kbps, or kilobits per second. Just to give you an idea of what that means in terms of the file itself, let's use 128kbps. If an MP3 is compressed at 128kbps, it means the sound quality is optimized so that if you're playing the MP3 live over the Internet, it's going to be the best sound quality you can get over a 128kbps connection. (And the smaller the kbps, the worse the MP3 sounds.) Of course, MP3s are seldom played online -- they're usually downloaded and played locally, so the connection speed is kind of moot. But the higher the kbps rate, the better the sound. What's alarming is that the default compression rate in most MP3 conversion utilities is 128kbps -- and I've seen more than one MP3 program list 128 as "CD quality." Uhhh....no! Seriously, most people with a good ear can detect whether the music they're listening to comes from an MP3 of 128kbps or lesser quality. When I convert to MP3, I have a strict 192kbps-or-higher rule, although I do use 128, or sometimes as low as 116, for spoken-word recordings. (I can detect up to 192kbps. Heck, I know a guy who can tell up to 224 kbps!)

But my point is that by downloading music, chances are you're getting a song that has significantly reduced sound quality; a CD would be a huge improvement. "But I need it in MP3 format so I can listen to it on my iPod," I hear you cry. Ahhhh, not so! iPods can play back WAV files, which although huge, are lossless. And alternate iPod operating systems such as RockBox and iPodOnLinux open the door up for even more compatibility with alternate sound formats.

The cost factor: the industry rips you off
A class-action lawsuit some years ago did indeed prove that the music industry has been price-gouging CD consumers for years; as I can tell you from personal experience, a settlement was reached in this lawsuit. Why am I mentioning this now instead of around the same part of the post that mentions another aspect of cost? Remember, a judge determined that CDs are overpriced. Yup, CDs that are physical media and come with liners and cases. So the price of a CD includes artist royalties, copywriters, graphic artists, photographers, the cost of the plastic casing, the cost of the medium itself, the cost of the inks and dyes used to print the artwork and the CD labeling, and of course, a little bit for the store.

Now, if a judge has determined that the price of CDs -- a cost that covers a wide variety of costs -- is too high, then where do download providers get off by charging almost a buck a song when there's absolutely no physical overhead whatsoever? The price goes to royalties (artist and record company, of course), graphic artists (assuming a digital image of the album cover is used), and storage space on the server (and as any computer geek will tell you, hard drive and network storage is dirt cheap anyway). Oh...and let's not forget that you're paying nearly a buck for a piece of music that doesn't have the sound quality that its equivalent CD has.

A final thought
I'm not one for long conclusions, so...get off your lazy ass, go out and get the CD (or stay lazy, but be patient and order the CD online), get more for your money, good sound quality, artwork, something you can play without a computer or MP3 player, and if you need something to play on your iPod, convert it yourself! Don't support the true rip-off artists!

James Rado and Gerome Ragni said it best

2007-06-07T18:55:00.000-04:00

Right now, I have nothing to say except to reproduce their words; I knew it would come to this eventually...

Ripped open by metal explosion
Caught in barbed wire
Fireball
Bullet shock
Bayonet
Electricity
Shrapnel
Throbbing meat
Electronic data processing
Black uniforms
Bare feet, carbines
Mail-order rifles
Shoot the muscles
Two hundred fifty-six Viet Cong captured
Two hundred fifty-six Viet Cong captured

Prisoners in Niggertown
It's a dirty little war
Three Five Zero Zero
Take weapons up and begin to kill
Watch the long long armies drifting home
Prisoners in Niggertown
It's a dirty little war
Three Five Zero Zero
Take weapons up and begin to kill
Watch the long long armies drifting home

Ripped open by metal explosion
Caught in barbed wire
Fireball
Bullet shock
Bayonet
Electricity
Shrapnel
Throbbing meat
Electronic data...

She don't like, she don't like, she don't like.........

2007-05-03T10:20:00.000-04:00

So there's a new energy drink called "Cocaine." Yeah, probably not the best judgment on the part of that company to give the drink that name. But in Illinois, and probably other places, the drink was ordered not to be sold in this state.

Isn't it ironic, though, that a drink that merely has the word "Cocaine" in its name is banned, yet they don't blink an eye if you offer for sale a drink from Atlanta that actually contains (admittedly, trace amounts of) the drug?

Flyin' high in the friendly sky without ever leaving the ground

2007-04-24T10:09:00.000-04:00

Something interesting -- and slightly disturbing -- happened this past Saturday.

My wife has been finishing up her master's degree through Georgian Court University in New Jersey; we moved to Chicago during her last year, so she's lately been interacting with her professor over e-mail regarding her thesis.

Lisa gets an e-mail from her professor with some corrections for the final draft, the professor asking her to call her on her cell for clarifications. So Lisa calls her professor, and it's agreed that after the corrections, the thesis will be bound and officially submitted. The plan was to send the paper to the school via FedEx, but the professor mentioned that she was in Louisville for a convention and was flying back on Saturday and needed to make a connecting flight at O'Hare, and she half-jokingly suggested that perhaps Lisa would want to meet her at the airport to hand the thesis over directly rather than spending money on FedEx. Well, she took the professor up on her offer.

I drive Lisa over to O'Hare on Saturday and head over to the cell phone lot. The plan was that the professor would come out, collect the thesis, and go back through security to make her connecting flight. Well, before I even get halfway to the cell phone lot, she calls me on my cell phone and says, "Guess where I am!" My first guess was that the professor landed really early and that the hand-off had already been made and she wants me to come back and pick her up. Nope -- she was calling me from the gate! Let me explain.

Lisa was hoping that there might be a chance she could make things easier for her professor so that she wouldn't have to go through security, so she asked a TSA rep if there was something that could be done to expedite the process, like have someone take the thesis over to the gate agent or whatever. The TSA rep said that it's up to the airline.

So Lisa goes over to the airline counter and explains the situation and even shows the airline rep her thesis. Well...basically, the airline issued her what was basically a fake boarding pass so she could go through security and then straight to the gate!

Aren't airlines supposed to be, oh, I dunno...more secure in this post-9/11 era? Isn't the whole reason they only allow people with boarding passes through security is to reduce security risks??? Was it nice when we were able to go straight to the gate to meet our arriving parties? Yes, but most people are willing to put up with the slight inconvenience if it means that we're all a bit safer.

My wife is thinking of trying this with the airline we usually take to see if they do the same thing.

More thoughts on Let It Be (you become naked)

2007-04-02T01:54:00.000-04:00

Okay, so this particular blog entry comes over three years late. Ask me if I care. I figured since last time I discussed Let It Be and how it's not available on home video, hasn't been for nearly twenty-five years, and in all probability still won't be for some time, I'd discuss a related Beatles project, the Let It Be...Naked album from a few years ago.

As with any new Beatles project, some fans come out of the woodwork with nothing but bitching and moaning. The album was basically a third-party vision of how Let It Be would have sounded had it been recorded the way The Beatles usually recorded an album. None of The Beatles had any involvement with the creation of the project, although three of them -- yes, three -- gave the project their blessings. (The project was conceived before George Harrison died.)

Yet people were quick to yell that it's Paul McCartney's rewriting of history. While I'm sure he was thrilled about the project, remember, McCartney didn't have any involvement in the actual creation of it. What's interesting is that when you think about it, the Let It Be album itself, as released in 1970, is actually a rewriting of history by Phil Spector. Remember, the project was supposed to be entirely live without any overdubs -- basically, The Beatles at their rawest. What came out was an album of material, some of which wasn't even recorded during the January 1969 sessions, that had numerous overdubs and edits -- including overdubs of a lush orchestra, completely going against what The Beatles had intended during the actual recording of the album.

Many people also were happy to complain about certain tracks being left off, including "Maggie Mae." Had said complainers actually listened to the entire package, they'd find that an alternate version of said song is indeed present on the second disc in the set, entitled "Fly On The Wall." Many of those who actually listened to "Fly On The Wall" still bitched and moaned because some songs that would have been great inclusions were left off. Well...remember, tapes and films were running for every second The Beatles were in the studio in January of 1969 -- not everything could be included.

Finally, what really annoys me is the implicit attitude that the Let It Be...Naked release was supposed to replace Let It Be. I know, nobody actually outright said it, but you just have to remind people that the Let It Be album is still widely available and (at least in 2003) did not get discontinued.

My overall thoughts: a very well done package that contains, at the very least, sonic improvements. (Seriously, I've yet to actually listen to my Let It Be CD since the day I got it because the sound is so damn muddy.) Billy Preston's Hammond really jumps out on "I've Got A Feeling," as does McCartney's fine bass line. "Don't Let Me Down" is finally put in the proper context rather than being relegated to the B-side of a mediocre (in my opinion) single. And having the album end with the crashing final chords of "Let It Be" is a powerful musical statement right there.

Is it perfect? No, not at all. It seems silly to release a two-CD set when the contents of both CDs can easily fit on one. (Did Apple learn nothing from the public bashing of the 1993 CD release of the "red" album?) That all the contents of the "Fly On The Wall" CD are contained in one large track is pretty annoying. And was it a necessary release? Not by any means, especially since a handful of the Get Back/Let It Be-era recordings ended up on Anthology 3, particularly the pre-Spector versions of "The Long And Winding Road" and "I, Me, Mine." (However, I do commend the compilers of Let It Be...Naked for having the latter track included with its pre-Spector rawness but with the post-Spector lengthening of the track; unedited, "I, Me, Mine" is just too short!") Nonetheless, my wife and I highly enjoyed -- and still do enjoy -- Let It Be...Naked.

Sadly, Apple and company missed the perfect opportunity to release the movie on DVD as a companion piece. Tragically, Apple and company just don't care to give the fans what they want.

Let It Be released...PLEASE!

2007-03-01T00:36:00.000-05:00

So much for my "blog at least once a month" pledge to myself; I realize that there are about twenty-five minutes left in this month, and what a month it's been!

The Beatles, in case I haven't mentioned it here before, are my favorite band ever. Ever. Well, I'm going to cut to the chase and talk about what's currently the hot topic amongst Beatles fans right now: the movie Let It Be unavailable since at least the early 1980s.

Neil Aspinall is saying that it never will see a DVD release because of the hard feelings The Beatles had for each other back during those days. What I find interesting is that a few years ago when someone allegedly mentioned to Macca how it'd be nice to have Let It Be out as a video release, he seemed surprised that it wasn't -- he apparently didn't even know it wasn't out!

What I really want to address is how many fans -- and Apple insiders -- say that the film is kind of a downer and it shows The Beatles breaking up. I disagree completely.

I will forever maintain my view that the only reason that those fans find the movie depressing because it shows The Beatles breaking up is that we all know that they were breaking up at the time. Show Let It Be to anybody who doesn't know the behind-the-scenes stories, and that person will see footage of a band rehearsing material, recording it, and performing it on a roof. That viewer would have no idea that the band was about to break up.

Here's what I -- and my wife -- see when we watch Let It Be:

Four -- sometimes five -- guys making music

John Lennon and Paul McCartney sharing a microphone while rehearsing "Two Of Us," both cutting up

McCartney cracking up Lennon with his exaggerated "Besame Mucho" vocal

Ringo Starr having fun with McCartney's future stepdaughter

"Suzy's Parlour." 'Nuff said.

Five guys making great music together on a London roof

Starr demoing his new song, "Octopus's Garden," while George Harrison helps him with some chord changes

Oh, did I mention that these four guys were playing together? Their self-titled album from 1968 was recorded in large part individually; it's almost a compilation of solo recordings!

Of course, I expect someone to point out the "Two Of Us" argument between Harrison and McCartney. I dunno, it just seems to me that 1) it's a typical argument that happens with any band at any given time, and 2) it's not too dissimilar from arguments one can hear on bootleg Beatles recordings from years prior to the Let It Be / Get Back sessions. And yes, we all know that during those sessions George Harrison announced that he was leaving the group, suggested they put an ad in New Musical Express, and literally walked out and quit the group -- there are bootleg recordings of this exchange happening. Yes, we know that happened, but 1) George came back, and 2) the movie doesn't include his walkout. And has anybody noticed how during the Apple portion of the movie, after The Beatles leave Twickenham for a more appropriate environment, that the mood is definitely more positive?

So no, the movie does not show a band breaking up. Does it show The Beatles during the time they were breaking up? Yes, but it wasn't part of the movie.

For the longest time, the only way you could legally see this movie (assuming you didn't own it already) was to go to Beatlefest and watch it, but now the only Beatles movie you can see at Beatlefe--uhmm, 'scuse me, I forgot that the Apple suits no longer allow that name--The Fest For Beatles Fans--is A Hard Day's Night, which is the only of the four feature-length Beatles movies that Apple does not own...coincidence? (And for the record...yes, you used to be able to see Magical Mystery Tour at the Fest, but not any more...but it's not a feature-length movie, so nyaa!)

So...are Apple and their bosses (Ringo, Paul, Yoko, and Olivia) out of touch with the fans? Well, let's see...if you want to get the Beatles' original albums these days you have to buy poor-quality CDs with 20-year-old master jobs. NONE of their Apple-owned movies (Help! through Let It Be) are available for purchase. You can't (legally) download The Beatles' music, despite the anti-piracy warnings on their latest CDs saying that if you want legally-downloadable music, go to EMI's web site. (And yes, I know there's been talk of new remasters coming out and deals with iTunes, but as far as I'm concerned, it's not happening until somebody officially confirms it.)

Really, Apple, give your customers what they want. Let them be able to buy a video release of Let It Be and put money in your pockets; don't make them resort to pirated copies from eBay or the various illicit peer-to-peer servers. (For God's sake, we know the movie has been cleaned up, so why not do something with it?) You don't want the movie to be out because it was made during a bad time? Well, then yank its accompanying albums from the market, too, because they're just as culpable for bringing back any bad vibes. The fact is, bands break up, and The Beatles are no different, and all four have gone on to have good careers. Get over it.

Oh...and stay tuned for my comments on Let It Be...Naked, whose 2003 release would have been the perfect time to release Let It Be on DVD.

Tempts or Tops?

2007-01-13T09:16:00.000-05:00

I like to provide helpful service to the public as much as I can. It just occurred to me that there are many who say they can't tell the difference between The Four Tops and The Temptations. Lord knows I used to have this problem, but I'm pretty sure I've figured out how to tell which is which.

First of all, if the song in question is from the late '60s or after, it's probably The Temptations, as it seems that The Four Tops' most popular tunes were from the mid '60s.

Second of all, if you can pick out distinct voices, it's most likely The Temptations. But with The Four Tops, it was pretty much Levi Stubbs and three background singers. If you listen to, say, "My Girl" -- a number-one hit for The Temptations -- obviously you hear David Ruffin singing lead, and in many places you can plainly hear Melvin Franklin's deep bass voice in the background. "Papa Was A Rolling Stone" and "I Can't Get Next To You" actually have different Temptations singing lead on different parts.

Third and perhaps easiest of all is how the lead vocal is delivered. It's The Four Tops if the lead vocal seems to be shouted out (not to belittle Levi Stubbs' excellent voice, mind you) and lyrics seem almost improvised (in other words, if it sounds parallel to, say, Barry White's "You're My First, My Last, My Everything"). If there's a very distinct melody, it's The Temptations. It probably has to do with who wrote the songs: Four Tops hits were mainly (if not exclusively) Holland-Dozier-Holland compositions, while The Tempts' earlier songs were often written by Smokey Robinson and later songs by Norman Whitfield.

Hopefully my observations will help you the next time you hear a Tempts or Tops song on the radio or an in-store music system. Be sure to help others who can't tell t be able to make the distinction!

LIFE IS PEACHES AND CREAM.

2006-12-12T00:51:00.000-05:00

I'm in shock. And devastated. Yet another musician that I greatly admire is no longer with us. No, not an old rock'n'roll legend, but someone who's younger than me.

Just minutes ago I decided to poke around myspace.com and check out a few of my favorite musicians, and found that one of them died recently from a long battle with brain cancer.

I've been a big fan of Logan Whitehurst's since I first heard some of his music on the Dr. Demento Show a few years ago; apparently he had already been a favorite on the show at the time, but I hadn't heard Dr. Demento in a while. His tunes were catchy and whacky, so naturally I had to buy his latest CD, Goodbye, My 4-Track.

The CD arrived one spring weekend in 2004 when my wife was out of town for a couple of days, and I was feeling kind of down and lonely. Well, Goodbye, My 4-Track really cheered me up. Logan's incredible comic timing and just pure talent made me sit up and take listen. On one CD I heard influences from The Beatles, Snoop Doggy Dogg, Brian Wilson (about a year after I first heard the CD, Dr. Demento played the track "Your Brain Fell Out" and commented that it had "some of the nicest harmonies this side of Pet Sounds"), Paul Revere & The Raiders, the L.A. powerpop scene, and of course "Weird Al" Yankovic...and the guy has amazing musical talent even if you disregard the comedy. Simply wonderful. You have the whackiness of the intro, the "Farkle" commercial, and "Monkeys Are Bad People." There's the brilliant production of "Your Brain Fell Out" and the polyphonic vocals of "The Volcano Song." You can't help but smile when listening to "How You Doin' Emily," a supercharged tribute to his sister that he wrote for her as a birthday present. And you gotta love "Prosthetic Brain," with its background vocals singing the words "locomotive, coal car, dining car, sleeping car..." Just brilliant!

Long ago I heard that he had gone through surgery to remove the tumor from his brain and that his prognosis was a 99% chance of a full recovery. Sometimes that one percent wins, unfortunately. At least we have the music. And I urge you to give it a listen. Check out Logan on his myspace page -- www.myspace.com/loganwhitehurst. You can get Goodbye, My 4-Track from both www.pandacide.com and www.amazon.com. Samples of his great music are available on all the aforementioned sites. Hell, fork over the ten bucks for the CD -- you won't regret it.

Coming out

2006-11-19T19:52:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I'm doing this on a blog, of all places, but...

In recent years I've been feeling some changes...lots of emotion...lots of everything. And I came to realize something. And boy, is it something when you come to these profound realizations.

I haven't actually told anybody this before. But I'm pretty sure my wife knows by now, although she never explicitly said so. My parents and my brother have suspected this for quite a while, I'm sure. But I can't believe I'm about to say what I'm about to say.

I'm...*sigh*...heterosexual.

Yup, that's right -- I'm a heterosexual. I prefer the intimate company of the opposite sex over that of the same sex. I am a fah-LAMING hetero.

There. I said it. I've never said it before, but I'm 100% heterosexual. *whew!* I'm glad I got that off my shoulders!

(What??? Hey, if homosexuals can come out of the closet, why can't a heterosexual? Hmmm??)

My dog, he's got 3 legs -- just like the Paul McCartney marriage

2006-10-26T00:18:00.000-04:00

Greg in Australia gave me permission to post this plea for support for Paul McCartney here: (the remainder of this post contains nothing from me except for a few grammar and punctuation corrections)

Hi, everyone.

As a longtime fan of Paul who can in no way measure the happiness and joy this man has brought me and countless others, I have been feeling a terrible sense of helplesness at Paul's current situation. I have an idea of what we can do to show our love and support for Paul.

I'll be posting this to as many lists as possible to put the word out, and I call on all fans to spread the word to online forums.

I'm declaring Saturday, 28th of October, 2006, to be "International Show Support and Love for Paul McCartney Day."

I'm calling on ALL fans from every corner and nook and cranny of the globe to wear a Paul
McCartney T-shirt on this day (a Paul T-shirt preferrably over a Beatles shirt -- we need to show people it's Paul we're supporting).

Anything else that you can do on this day to get the word out would be great: play his music loud in your cars (Paul Doof, Yeh!), conceptual things like sticking messages of support up on places
people will see (walls, telegraph polls, etc.); be creative, but keep it legal.

Let's try for a ground swell of support for Paul in the fan community. Freshen up those T-shirts and get them on!!

It'll be that simple.

Tell one, tell all .. tell the press!

Greg xoxo

[Okay, so I lied; I will add my two bits...but all I'm going to say is you better believe I'll be wearing a McCartney T-shirt on Saturday.]

Smile: Two Years Later

2006-09-28T13:37:00.000-04:00

It was two years ago today that what was believed impossible, if not just improbably, happened:

Brian Wilson's Smile was released for all to hear.

I stopped at Target on the way in to work that day to pick it up. They had just opened and hadn't had a chance to put the new releases out yet. I asked one of the "team members" about it, and he sent someone to the back room to get it out. Said person walked back from the stock room and handed it to me. I was stunned. Beyond stunned.

"I can't believe it! This is it!"

It was an extremely rainy day. I had to turn the volume pretty high up to hear it. Yes, I've heard the stuff on disc 2 of Good Vibrations. I've heard various bootlegs. I've heard an audience recording or two of the London concert debut of Smile. And you know what? The studio recording still sounded as if I were hearing Smile for the first time. Just breathtaking.

My wife and I each bought our own copies, as neither of us could wait for the other to get home.

Anyway, I just want to address some criticisms and issues:

The belief that Darian Sahanaja was involved with -- perhaps even composed some of -- the arrangements, some songs, etc. Well, nobody knows for sure except Brian Wilson, Van Dyke Parks, and Darian himself. And if he did, who the heck cares? It's frickin' brilliant!

"The 2004 version of Smile doesn't match Brian's original vision!" Uhhh...actually, it does, as far as anybody can tell. Why? Well, because the vision never happened until now. Brian didn't have a final vision of Smile in 1967 -- if he did, then why did he take so much time to work on it?

The whole 'all upper-case except the letter i' spelling. I can't stand how some people insist on spelling it SMiLE. One thing is sure -- there's no evidence that that's how Brian wanted it spelled. You can thank the Capitol Records art department for that, and you can also thank Mark London, who loosely copied the font from the 1967 version.

"It's not right without the Beach Boys! They have a unique vocal blend! It doesn't even sound like the Beach Boys!" First of all...the Beach Boys were not willing participants in 1966 and 1967, so why would they be willing now? Second of all, do you really think Smile would have been finished in 2004 had the ever-warring Beach Boys been present? And it doesn't sound like the Beach Boys? Well...let me quote a guy named Jesse Ryan, with whom I used to work. On the afternoon of September 28, 2004, I put Smile in the office CD player so I could hear it without the loud rain. After the fade-out of "Good Vibrations," Jesse said, and I quote: "Was this the Beach Boys the whole time?"

So there. That's what I have to say, other than that Smile is brilliant, I love it, and I hope someday that Brian tours that thing again. Seeing it in concert four times was not enough.

Sympathy for customer service workers

2006-09-18T16:16:00.000-04:00

Well, I finally did something I've been wanting to do for a long time. I kept forgetting to do it, but by golly, I remembered this time that I wanted to do it.

I took a weekend trip to North Carolina for a wedding in the family. Yesterday I flew back into Midway. I grabbed my single piece of luggage from baggage claim, and all was good. I went over to Southwest Airlines' baggage office -- you know, where they have that wonderful, sought-after job of listening to people bitch (and usually rightfully so, I imagine) about their luggage being lost, damaged, or both.

I opened the door and stepped halfway into the office. I said, "Hi there. I wanted to let you know I got my luggage on time, and all is good! Just thought you'd like to hear some good news from a customer for a change."

The lady behind the counter half-laughed and thanked me.

Five years later

2006-09-11T12:02:00.000-04:00

Of course, I can't let today go by without discussing the goings-on of five years ago.

I was living in New Jersey at the time. It was close to 8:45am, and I had just woken up. It was an absolutely perfect September day: not a cloud in the sky, a warm breeze, and a very comfortable mid-70s. Seriously, you couldn't ask for better weather.

A little over a month before I quit my job, which was causing too much stress for me to live healthily, and I had really felt the impact of the market -- while I never before had trouble scoring an interview and a job really quickly with my experience, at this time I just couldn't get someone to even open an envelope containing my résumé. I booted up my computer and was getting ready to dial into the 'net to search online for a job.

My mother-in-law called me from the doctor's office where she was working. She asked me to turn on the TV because she and her coworkers had heard something about how a plane hit the World Trade Center. Then she heard that two planes hit, one for each tower.

I turned on the TV, expecting to see a part of maybe a small propeller plane sticking out of the building with a puff of white smoke. Instead, I saw a massive fireball with black smoke endlessly billowing into the sky. As an uncontrolled reflex, I said something I never said to an elder before, nor have I said since: "HOLY SHIT!"

The latest my mother-in-law heard wasn't quite accurate; at that point, only one tower had been hit. It was a considerable time after that when I saw on TV an explosion in the other tower. From where the camera was, it looked like a bomb had gone off in the second tower, but the news crew repeatedly replayed the tape to see if they could notice anything, and they did: a small dot zoomed toward the tower, and on impact, caused the explosion. Of course, that small dot turned out to be another airliner.

I remember hearing of a plane crash in Pennsylvania...and a plane crashing into the Pentagon. All I could think was, "What next? What's happening to this country?!"

I had to get away from the TV. We lived two blocks away from the beach, so I decided to take a walk that way. As I walked down the block, I could hear TV and radio reports coming from each house. When i got to the beach, I looked up at the beautiful blue sky and saw a brown streak across the sky, a streak that gradually got darker toward the north.

My wife came home early from work, unsurprisingly. Friends from back in Illinois called to make sure we were okay. I tried to call my parents, but I couldn't get a connection. I tried on my cell phone and got through and talked to my dad, who told me he was relieved that I called because he and my mother were worried sick about us, as they knew that for various reasons we'd have to take occasional trips into New York.

And I must speak out about something...the Concert for New York, and more specifically, Paul McCartney's song, "Freedom." Definitely not the best thing he's ever written (and not the worst, either -- ever hear "Mrs. Vanderbilt"?), but you know what? It's not too bad. One thing to keep in mind is that he wanted to write a song that's simple and easy to sing along to, which it is on both counts. And I admit that toward the end of the concert when Paul said they were going to perform it again, I did kind of groan, but it's a simple song with a simple message. And you know what? It went over very well in concert -- then again, that concert that I saw was at Madison Square Garden...but both Beatlefests I attended in 2002 -- in Jersey and outside of Chicago -- had Battle of the Bands acts who performed that song, and they both got a really good applause, so obviously some people like it.

And I just love how there are a few people -- including Martin Lewis -- who claim that Macca was telling an untruth when he said he could see the World Trade Center on fire from the runway at JFK Airport. Let me get this straight...two of the world's tallest buildings have a very frightening amount of black smoke pouring into the sky and you can't see that?? (Plus, I've talked to several other people who have said that they were able to see the World Trade Center from the runway at JFK -- it just depends on which runway you're on and where you were on the runway.)

I don't know how much I can say that everybody else hasn't been feeling, but I can say this much:

My wife and I successfully turned to The Beatles for comfort.

Nearly three thousand lives were lost that day, but I prefer to look at it this way: tens of thousands of lives were saved.

When I woke up the next morning, I felt much better -- because I realized that I was still alive. Truly, September 11, 2001 was the one time in my life when I legitimately feared for my life.

Learn this phone number, know it, and LOVE it.

2006-08-24T18:36:00.000-04:00

(647) 288-7559.

That's the number. It's an important number. Putting the number in Google will show you why.

I just started getting calls from this number today. I thought at first maybe it was one of my parents, as they use a calling card whenever they dial a long-distance number, and calling card calls usually show weird numbers on CallerID. So I answered it, but heard nothing but three seconds of dead silence, followed by a disconnect.

"Hmmm...oh, well...chances are if it was one of them, there will be a second attempt."

Nope. Nothing for several minutes. So I looked up the number in Google and found that basically it's a telemarketing outfit in Canada. A couple of people on a discussion board went so far as to say that Comcast might be a culprit.

Well, it's a...funny thing...because....about 18 hours before I got this weird call, I signed up for new cable service with -- you guess it -- Comcast! Messages on that forum implied that I should expect more calls from that number. A lot more calls.

I went through the call log on my cell phone, saved the phone number to the address book, and labeled it "TELEMARKETER." Right after I did that (about three minutes after I did the research), the phone rang, and "TELEMARKETER" came up on the CallerID screen. The conversation went like this:

ME: "Go ahead with your order, please."

TELEMARKETER: (with thick Indian accent) "May I speak to.....Skan.....Country...please?"

ME: "You may place your order now."

TM: "Is....Mr. Country...there?"

ME: "Please give me your order."

[clik!]

heh heh heh!

While I typed this, two more calls came in from the number; unfortunately, I missed both. Here's what I'm going to say next time that telemarketing scam calls:

[very cheerily and radio-y]:
"Thank you for calling the Federal Bureau of Investigation! To continue in English, please press 3! Then 2! Then, 4! Followed by the asterisk! Then pound, pound, and pound again! Then zero! Para Espanol, marque numero nueve."

Come and get me, Canada.

New spin-off blog

2006-08-07T16:11:00.000-04:00

Wow...today's the first mensiversary of my last posting; I [i]really[/i] need to get on the ball here!

Anyhoo, I've noticed that many of my postings of late have been Chicago-centric, so I figured why not just have another blog dedicated to my adventures in the greatest city in the world?

The URL:

http://dauber-chicago.blogspot.com

I'll be sure to post more here...and there...soon.

Travel Tips from Dauber, part 3: More Miscellanea

2006-07-07T12:31:00.000-04:00

As with my previous installment, this will be very Chicago-centric...

MASS TRANSIT TRAINS

As a general rule, always buy your train ticket at the station, unless there's no ticket agent or ticket machine. There's usually a surcharge if you buy your ticket in the train when you could buy it at the station. On the Chicago area's Metra system, they charge an additional $2 if you get your ticket in the train if there's a ticket agent available. On New Jersey Transit, the additional fee is $5.

When in Chicago during a busy tourist time, like Taste of Chicago, do not take CTA out of the Loop -- especially the bus or the Blue Line el. Trust me. Take a cab.

AIR TRAVEL

Cell Phone Lots

If you find yourself picking somebody up at the airport, you'll probably be happy to know that, at least at the two major Chicago airports, they've recently opened what are called "cell phone lots." If you're picking somebody up, you can park in the cell lot for up to an hour, but you must stay with your vehicle the whole time. It doesn't cost anything to park there, though. The purpose of the "cell phone lot" is basically to help you save money: you sit (or stand!) there and wait for the person you're picking up to call you and let you know that the plane has landed and that it's a good time to drive over to pick that person up. It's a good alternative to going straight into the regular parking lot and paying hourly parking rates while you wait for the potentially delayed plane!

However, there is a down side to this. Chances are you'll be waiting with a bunch of other people who are waiting for the same flight to arrive. Once the plane lands and those people get cell phone calls, they're all heading to pick up the traveler at the same time. This causes kind of a traffic jam, especially if the airport is small. I recommend that you kind of approximate your timing so that you can leave a few minutes before the landing. Easier said than done, but hey, it's worth a shot.

The Legroom In Coach

Are you tall and need extra legroom? If your airline assigns you a seat (unlike Southwest, in which it's basically first-come first-served), it just might be possible to request to change to a seat behind an exit row while you're at the airport. They're hard to get when you buy your ticket online.

My first podcast = "Screamin' Sean's" last broadcast

2006-06-30T00:03:00.000-04:00

When I was in college, I first majored in computer science. I found out soon that my college's computer science department was for crap, so rather than do the smart thing and switch to a better college, I switched to an easier major: journalism, with a concentration on radio broadcasting. Why? Well...because I love music, and I've always been told I have a good voice for radio. God knows I have the perfect face for radio.

I took all the radio courses and was on the air at the college's radio station. In fact, during my last semester I hosted a specialty show dedicated to the most obscure Beach Boys music ever released, and that show won the "Specialty Show of the Year" award -- and I was against nineteen other shows.

Now, I knew going into it that a radio career -- or any journalism career, for that matter -- is extremely low paying unless you make it big in a major market. The year I graduated, I got a part-time gig at WYKT, a modern rock station located in the middle of nowhere in southwestern Will County...and I literally mean nowhere. There was a quadrangle of Wilmington, Coal City, Diamond, and Braidwood, and we were smack dab in the middle of the unincorporated area amongst all those dinky toilet towns. The mailing address that was on our stationary was Diamond. When we read our address over the air, it was Coal City. The phone number had a Braidwood exchange. And our legal ID said -- and even now as the station changed formats and even moved twice to two different towns, still DOES say -- Wilmington.

In fact....we kind of stretched it. When I started there, the legal ID sweeper actually said "WYKT, Wilmington, Joliet" -- the biggest city nearby is Joliet (one of the top ten largest in Illinois and still growing). After I was there a while they rerecorded the legal ID sweeper so that it says "Wilmington, Joliet, Chicago"! We thought the addition of Chicago was a stretch, but Tim Lamping, a jock (who's still there!) who lives in Chicago, told me he could pick up the broadcast ever-so-faintly by Midway Airport, so it was indeed true!

I was officially hired on October 4, 1996, literally the day after my 22nd birthday. At that time, it was called "The Kat 105.5," and the format was basically hard rock. Basically, if it rocked, we played it; if it was mellow, we didn't. I could go on for several volumes about my experiences there and the crazy management stories, but I'll save that for a book or something. I left there almost exactly two years later when I moved to New Jersey. When I got to Jersey, I didn't bother seeking to continue my radio career, as I now had a life (and soon a wife) and didn't really feel like being away from home making literally minimum wage and with zero job security.

As for my on-air name...well, when I first started, I just used my real name, which had absolutely no oomph to it over the air. Well...some time into my tenure, we hired a guy named Lenny Svoboda, who was already a known local jock at one of the Joliet stations. His shift was before mine every Saturday morning, and at the end of his first show there while I was waiting to take over, just off the top of his head, Lenny said, "...and coming up next is SCREAMIN' Sean" -- to which I responded with a major blood-curdling scream! I kinda liked that, so I let it stick -- especially because I don't scream at all! Our program director liked the irony, too.

Going back to that job security thing...I must have survived everything possible. I was suspended for breaking an unwritten rule that our program director at the time never told anybody; interestingly, he was run out of town on a rail after he did that. I dealt with drunk listeners. And I even survived a station takeover -- usually when the station is taken over, all the staff can kiss their jobs goodbye, but part of the deal when the station was sold was that everybody got to keep their jobs. The station lost a lot of its hard rock edge and transitioned into kind of a combination adult contemporary/modern rock. We lost some listeners, but we gained a ton more than we had before.

Shortly after I left for Jersey, the station moved to downtown Joliet -- within walking distance of where I lived before! The station was located in the same building as the historic Rialto Square Theater, and it was one of those you-can-watch-the-jock-through-the-windows deals. They still actually broadcasted via the broadcast antenna in Wilmington via a T1 line. After a year or two, however, in one of the dumbest moves ever, they left Joliet and moved to Kankakee, one of the worst places you could ever be, changed the format to oldies, and rechristened themselves "The Pickle." And I'm not kidding. Nobody -- even staff -- knows why the hell they changed the name to "The Pickle." And they still use the antenna in Wilmington via a T1 line.

Having moved back to the Chicago area, I drove down to the old stompin' grounds. Here's a picture I took during the trip:

Believe it or not, the building is much more dilapidated than it looks in the photo. Even more shocking is that the place didn't look much different when I worked there ten years ago! Seriously, it was rarely kept up. Yes, that's part of a broadcast tower -- that was our old tower from when I first started working there; probably a year after I started we built a taller one, and of course that's still standing but didn't get into the picture. It's 500 feet tall -- the maximum allowed by FCC law if the tower is located within two miles of a major highway. (Interstate 55 is right down the road.) Near the door we had a decomissioned toilet where we kept the keys to the building -- if someone had to come to work but nobody was there (i.e., if we were running automation), they simply removed the key from the dried-out tank. (You just can't make this stuff up!)

It was a crazy two years, but a great one nonetheless. I really had fun. Now, I give you my first podcast! This is my aircheck from what is so far the last time I ever was on the radio -- Saturday, September 26, 1998. Just to explain a couple of things...I left in a promo for "Basement of Blues," a really cool Sunday night blues show that was hosted by Mike Saracini, a.k.a. "Chicago Slim." He did a fantastic job, although he would never accept any compliments from anybody; he thought he was awful! I loved his show, as did many people, so I left the promo in as a memento. Also, before everybody starts replying and correcting me, I know that "Leaving Here" is not originally by The Who, but I didn't know it at the time!

Click on the date in the previous paragraph to hear the podcast. Enjoy!

Travel Tips from Dauber, part 2: Miscellaneous travel

2006-06-28T17:28:00.000-04:00

Another travel holiday is coming up, so I figured it'd be nice to put up some more travel tips. No particular order here, but it may be very Chicago-centric.

If you're flying out of Chicago Midway International Airport, be prepared for the most useless wait you'll ever experience. Seriously, there's next to nothing to do there. Food options are extremely limited -- you're pretty much limited to sandwiches, non-deep-dish pizza (yet you can get Pizzeria Uno pizza...at frickin' NEWARK International!!), and ice cream. That's pretty much it.

If you take the Metra into Chicago via La Salle Street and need to catch the Brown Line (or, as my friend Jim calls it, the "Skidmark"), the best way to do it is to go out through the east exit, and when you get down to the corner of the street, turn left. There's a hidden Skidmark entrance right around the corner. This way you can avoid the maze of pathways leading to the different CTA lines.

If you take the Orange Line to Midway, be prepared to walk...and walk...and walk....and walk...and walk...and finally see a sign that you're inside the terminal: a Dunkin' Donuts! Ahh...but wait...you still have more parking deck to walk...and walk....and walk...and walk...and walk...through.

If you fly into Newark International Airport, be sure you plan for an additional two hours, as that might be how long you'll wait at baggage claim, no matter what airline you take at what time of the day or night. Midway isn't as bad -- you'll wait maybe 30 minutes.

Most people in Monmouth County, New Jersey know about the speed trap on 33 westbound that's literally on the border of Freehold and Manalapan. Usually during rush hour there's a cop hiding right there by the Manalapan border sign. Be careful, though -- sometimes the cop will be a little ways up, not quite within sight of the sign. Keep in mind that "Manalapan" is an old Lenape word that means "radar trap," so be sure you're not going a hair over 55 when you cross into town.

One of the biggest lies I was ever told was told to me by my father. (In fact, two of the biggest lies I was ever told were told to me by my father.) Having worked on an aircraft carrier while he was in the Navy, he told me, before my wife and I took my honeymoon cruise, that the ships are so big that "you can't even feel the waves." BIG LIE. Thankfully I don't get seasick, but just to be safe, bring the proper meds with you if you've never cruised before. What's really cool is that if you cruise through some rough surf at night, the rocking of the ship will put you to sleep pretty quickly.

If for whatever reason you're forced to go to New York City, don't ever, ever drive into Manhattan unless you leave six hours early, have enough money to give to the toll taker at the bridge or tunnel (last I checked it was seven dollars), and have an absolutely guaranteed parking spot somewhere.

Boston is a fantastic place to visit, but for the love of God, don't even attempt to drive within miles of that place. Take Amtrak or some other form of transportation that doesn't require that you drive.

At some airports, they now have these devices that you walk under, and they shoot quick blasts of air at you, from your feet to your head. It's a mechanical way of patting you down. In case the blasts hit your ears, be prepared to lose a significant amount of your hearing for a couple of hours, as I learned the hard way. I complained to the TSA staff at the airport about that, and I was told that I can request a manual pat-down to avoid it. Next time I flew, I saw that I was being led to one of those things, and I asked for a manual pat-down instead. The TSA person said no way. I told him that last time I flew one of the puffs went right into my ears and killed my hearing for three hours and that I was told I could get a manual pat-down in lieu of the machine. Thankfully, another TSA staffer overheard me and told the one I was dealing with that yes, that's correct, and led me down another path. All was good.

If you're visiting Chicago and flying into O'Hare and have an EZ-Pass transponder, bring it with you -- on January 1, 2005, the state of Illinois doubled all of its tolls...and they were atrociously expensive to begin with. There are no tolls in the city of Chicago, but there are in the northwest suburbs, including Rosemont, which is the actual location of O'Hare. The tolls did not double for IPass users -- and IPass is now compatible with EZ-Pass.

If you're visiting the state of Illinois, a little tip for you: it is perfectly legal to make a left-turn onto a one-way street (that goes left, of course!) if you're at a red light.

Visiting Chicago and looking for a beach along the lake, and you just can't get to Oak Street Beach or North Avenue Beach because they're too crowded and the parking lots are full? There's a beach right off Navy Pier that not many people know about, and ergo doesn't get crowded. I believe it's called Olive Beach. It actually faces north, which is unusual for a beach on Lake Michigan.

That's all for now. I hope you've found these tips helpful. And if you drive with Florida or New York plates, I hope you get your bloody license revoked.

Atari 2600 Pac-Man Really Gets a Bad Rap

2006-06-16T11:32:00.000-04:00

Atari 2600 buffs will loudly declare Pac-Man to be one of the worst games ever released for the Video Computer System, up there with E.T. This usually includes discussion of the supposed landfill that's loaded with unsold copies of these games.

Is the game itself bad? No, not at all. I think the problem is that it was so different from the arcade game. The colors are different. The sound effects don't come close to the arcade's. No fruit. Everything Pac-Man eats is some form of rectangle. The tunnels were rotated 90 degrees. The maze drastically changed. There were no intermissions. Instead of one bonus life, the Atari VCS version offered one bonus life every time you cleared the board -- way too easy compared to the arcade version. It was allegedly a rush job for which Tod Frye supposedly collected a huge paycheck. There are even theories that Atari intentionally made the 2600 version bad so that they could boost sales of the 5200, whose Pac-Man conversion was very faithful to the arcade version; however, given the time lapse between the release of the 2600 version of Pac-Man and the release of the 5200 system, it's highly unlikely. Many people blame the VCS Pac-Man for the beginning of the great video game crash.

Having said all that, does the Atari VCS Pac-Man deserve its bad reputation? I for one think not. Dig my situation when it came out. I was eight or nine years old. If I wanted to play an arcade game, I had to go with my parents to the local Kroger, where they usually had two games up by the registers. And it was a huge deal when they brought in a pirated Pac-Man machine; of course, back then I didn't realize it was pirated -- I just thought the reason the sign was hand-drawn and that the cabinet and joystick were different from what I'd seen in pictures was that it was a refurbed model! Of course, I had to pray that I had a quarter or that one of my parents would be generous enough to give me a quarter to play, which didn't happen all that often.

Eventually a couple of arcades opened up within a few miles of where we lived. One of them I never set foot in, and the other one I only set foot in once, and that was because my brother really wanted to go there the day we threw a going-away party for him before he left to join the Army. So a bunch of us youngsters in the family joined him. My parents never took me to an arcade...

...except for our monthly trips to the Lincoln Mall in Matteson, Illinois...the nearest shopping mall at the time. On the first floor near Montgomery Ward was Bally's Aladdin's Castle, which to this day is the best game room I ever set foot in. It was huge in its prime, and they had pretty much everything you could want to play. My allowance on our monthly trips: one dollar, which gave you four video game tokens. My dad didn't have a heck of a lot of patience, so if somebody was hogging a machine I really wanted to play, I had to play something else. But that one dollar was all I ever got, plus any tokens I found on the floor -- if I found a token on the floor, my dad allowed me to use it; he wasn't that impatient.

Other than that, what did I have to play? Our trusty Atari 2600 at home, which my brother and I got as a Christmas present in 1983. If I wanted to play Pac-Man, it was the 2600 version except for the monthly mall trip. The 2600 version of Pac-Man was all I, and many of my friends and my cousins, had. And we really loved it, too. Even my brother, who was old enough to drive and could go to the arcades pretty much whenever he wanted to (and he did go a lot -- Zaxxon and Battlezone were his games, if I recall correctly), would get into the 2600 version of Pac-Man, and he played one night until he scored well over 100,000 -- considering the highest score you can get in one move is 160 points, that's not an easy thing to do. I still remember the highest score I recorded: 90,723.

The game play was still there. And the differences from the arcade version presented new challenges...all the monsters (called "ghosts" in the 2600 version) moved at the same speed, the maze was larger, and the collision detection was very sensitive -- so sensitive that, unlike with the arcade version, in which the monster practically had to travel through you to kill you, you died if the slightest hair of a ghost touched you.

The Atari 2600 Pac-Man will always have a special place in my heart. To this day, when I pull out my old 2600 (which I do as much as I can), it's one of the first carts I reach for. Was it the best arcade conversion? Not by a long shot (I think Jr. Pac-Man was the best), but boy, did I -- and do I -- love it.

Words That Don't Exist

2006-06-15T15:25:00.000-04:00

George Carlin once discussed how there are some concepts that exist, but not corresponding words. For example, the concept of being "near-fetched" exists, but the word doesn't. Of course, I've thought of many others, all of which I hope enter everyday conversation globally.

combobulated:
"I had a bad day yesterday, but I'm pretty combobulated today."

degalvanize:
"Oops...bad alloy. Let's degalvanize that sword."

enfrog:
"Sally was enfrogged by the number of baseball diamonds she saw from the airplane."

ept:
"What? Sheldon doesn't know how to partition his hard drive? Geez...if he were any less ept, I wouldn't even trust him with a shoelace."

gruntled:
"I have a nice commute, short hours, good pay...I'm fairly gruntled with my job."

miss (that is, antonym of "dismiss"):
"We need to have a meeting. Please miss everybody to the conference room."

underdub:
"I don't like that vocal. Please underdub it from track 3."

Burning My New Jersey Bridges

2006-04-25T15:29:00.000-04:00

So a great opportunity for a promotion comes up that would relocate me to a different state. I get the job. Niiiiiiiiiice! Now's my chance to tell New Jersey to, for lack of a better phrase, suck it.

Don't get me wrong -- my nearly eight years here wasn't bad. But there are some things I just won't miss the least.

Bruce Springsteen
Especially where I've been living, the blind hero worship is ubiquitous. The guy can't sing. He cheated on his wife very publicly -- way to represent Jersey! He claims to be from Asbury Park (he's from Freehold, actually) yet he's never there unless there are also TV cameras there. In all seriousness, if he weren't from New Jersey, half the fans around here wouldn't give a damn about him; I guarantee you.

I love it when "Born To Run" comes on the radio, and somebody in the room, with a heavy "howya doin'!" accent, has to get all loud about it. "SEE?! HIGHWAY NINE!!! He's singin' about Jersey!" Well...1) Highway 9 is a U.S. highway, so technically he could be singing about virtually any place on the East Coast through which Route 9 runs. Oh -- and the "ou" is pronounced as in the word, umm..."pronounce," and not as in "boot" -- what's that thing attached to your DSL? A rooter or a router? Anyway, 2) That's the only thing in the song that's intelligible, which may be why fans go crazy. Honestly, I had to search online for lyrics to see what the hell he's singing about. If I'm interpreting the lyrics correctly, he's basically saying, "Freehold sucks. Let's go to Asbury Park and boink on the beach."

Princeton
I'm referring to the town, not the university. I kind of have a love-hate relationship with this place. The downtown is nice, and if you like rural areas, you'd probably love the outskirts of Princeton. However...there are too many sushi places in Princeton. The seafood place is overpriced. If you have to use the non-automated facilities at the post office, allow yourself at least half an hour, even if you're the only person in line. Want a one-bedroom, one-bathroom apartment on Nassau Street, the most congested and unbearable street in town? $2100 a month. And don't park -- anywhere. (I work in Princeton, and where I work I'm lucky enough to be able to park in a private garage.) All of Pine Street has a two-hour limit, even though it's not posted -- I learned this the hard way after I received a parking ticket for parking for over two hours despite there being no signs anywhere within seeing distance of a person with 20/20 vision. The parking meters don't work -- either they'll take your money and give you zero time or the time will run down quickly. Case in point: another parking ticket for parking past the time allowed on the meter -- after I put in enough money that the meter gave me over nine minutes, and I was gone for maybe three minutes, if that much. So...to the friendly neighborhood parking police in downtown Princeton, I hope you enjoyed the over $100 you've collected from me over the past year - because you assholes aren't getting another cent from me, and most likely from anybody who reads this.

State Government
I've been here during the reign of three non-interim governors, and they all were/are crooks, including one who later became head of the EPA and assured everybody who helped out at the World Trade Center site that the air was safe to breathe. I'm glad I'm escaping before Corzine enacts his tax hike plan.

Unsafe Streets
By that, I don't mean violent neighborhoods. Rather, I mean the actual streets themselves. People in this state drive for crap (I've been rear-ended at least five times in the past year and almost every day I have several near-collisions, including from one moron who, while I was at a stop sign, motioned me to go ahead, and as soon as I let go of the brake, he accelerated.), and they don't know how to cross the street. (Little hint: when you see a line of machines that weigh several tons coming in your direction, it's NOT the time to jump out, especially if there's no crosswalk!) It's much worse in Manhattan, though.

The City
Depending on where you live, "the city" is either Philadelphia or New York. I know I'm not going to win any friends by saying this, but New York has got to be the dirtiest, creepiest, and most overcrowded place I've ever been. I've been all over Manhattan and have traipsed through every other borough except Staten Island in my travels, and the shape that place is in is just appalling. Very unsafe. Philadelphia isn't a heck of a lot better, but the big problem is that they don't mark their streets and exits. NYC? Philthydelphia? Not very promising choices.

Pizza
If you like droopy pizza with paper-thin crust that can't even hold the ingredients properly and cheese that comes off all at once in one bite, I strongly recommend any pizza in the state of New Jersey. Close second: NYC. Any pizza that needs to be folded to be eaten properly is just plain wrong.

Traffic Circles
These things were a good idea when there were, oh, twenty-five people living in New Jersey, but now they're a nuisance, especially because it appears that "Yield" signs are merely decorative in this state. They're actually getting rid of the circles little-by-little because they're so dangerous. What alarms me, though, is that they're popping up in other states all of a sudden, including Florida and Illinois.

People Who Whine About Toll Roads
Oh, shut up; New Jersey traffic tolls are nothin'. Ever drive on the Pennsylvania Turnpike? The toll roads in the northern and western Chicago suburbs?

TCNJ
aka "The College Of New Jersey." What's their motto? "The 'T' Stands For 'The'"??? Then again, their old name -- Trenton State -- wasn't all that great. I mean, come on, there's no such state as Trenton!

Overpriced Everything
'Nuff said.

So long, Jersey.

Asshole

2006-04-13T06:58:00.000-04:00

Ahh, yes, another happy post from Dauber!

And a discussion about assholes!

A few years ago, I read that there's a difference between an "idiot" and an "asshole." The difference is that an idiot drives too slowly, and an asshole drives too fast. I'd just like to take this opportunity to expand on that definition of "asshole," and of course, add my own commentary. I guess a good way to do this is to say that an "asshole" will put the lives of others in danger, while an "idiot" will just make life miserable for everybody.

An "asshole" is not only someone who drives too fast, but also someone who is so, ummm...important...that he (and I'm saying "he" because it's usually a man) must tailgate everybody and flash his headlights to indicate that he wants you to move over. Usually this asshole is in an SUV and has no reason to own an SUV. However, the driver who keeps changing lanes because he -- or she, in this case -- isn't first in the line of cars and wants to make his -- or her -- way up to the front of the line is an idiot. So why is this person an idiot and not an asshole? Because you can have a lot of fun with this idiot -- you can slow down and speed up and for several minutes watch out of your rear-view mirror how this idiot constantly disappears and reappears behind you.

An "asshole" is someone who, upon seeing that there's a merge coming up, will get in the lane that's about to disappear in hopes to be forced into the remaining lane ahead of everybody else, especially at a red light.

The speed limit is 65mph. You're doing 75mph. An "asshole" is the person who is tailgating you because, even though you're speeding, you're still not going fast enough.

An "asshole" drives behind you with brights turned on, either during the day or at night. Actually...an "asshole" drives with brights turned on while there are other cars on the road.

Of course, I have ways of dealing with these problems, all requiring some sort of assholery on my part.

If I see that there's a merge about to happen and you decide you're getting into the disappearing lane in hopes to beat me and all the other vehicles in my vicinity, I'm not going to allow you to put our lives in danger. I'll be an asshole and move right in the middle, over both lanes.

I like to keep an egg in my car. Remember that next time you tailgate somebody. I like to make an asshole spectacle out of myself with that, especially if you're the asshole who gives me the "get out of my way" flashing headlights. I lower my window and present the egg to you. If you don't back off, I will be a first-class asshole and happily deliver the egg to you by very gently tossing it backward onto your windshield, hoping that will teach you what happens to tailgaters. I'm happy -- and shocked -- to say that to this day I haven't had to go beyond simply presenting the egg.

I haven't figured out how to out-asshole a high-beam driver, but I'll figure something out. Sure, I could pull over or in some other way force that driver to pass me and then drive behind that person with my high-beams on and blind that person just as she -- or he -- blinded me, but usually that driver will be out of sight before too long anyway. I don't know. Maybe I'll look into having a custom mirror attached to the rear of my car so that the asshole who drives behind me with high-beams on will get 'em right back in the asshole eyes. I also haven't figured out how to deal with the asshole coming TOWARD me with brights on. Flash my brights right back? Well...too risky -- it actually is illegal in this state to drive with brights turned on while there are other cars, and I'd probably get pulled over, knowing my luck.

Basically, what I'm saying is that if you're an asshole, I will be an asshole right back to you. You probably know from details on other parts of this blog that I live in New Jersey. Does that mean all of you who stay out of New Jersey are safe? Nope -- I'm moving out of this state soon. And I'm not telling you where I'm moving, so just drive safely and stop putting others' lives in danger, asshole.

I Know There's An Answer: Beach Boys Mythology

2006-03-30T06:58:00.010-05:00

latest revision: August 8, 2011

Wow...I'm realizing I haven't posted in over two months! In that short time I've gone through a heck of a lot of changes. One thing, however, that hasn't changed was my appreciation for the music of Brian Wilson, both as a solo artist and as the chief composer, arranger, and producer of The Beach Boys.

One thing in particular that I find interesting is that there's a lot out there that's considered common knowledge that just happens to be not true, or at least questionable. Here I'm attempting to clear some of that up. Some of these are very simple, and others are a bit sensitive, perhaps offensive. Please note that my purpose is not to harm anybody's reputation but just to maybe question a lot of what we've believed to be true for a long time. Note that I'm not a recognized authority on The Beach Boys, like, say, Andrew Doe or David Leaf; I'm just a fan. So what you are reading isn't official word, although I'd like to be as accurate as possible. For things that I've confirmed, I've named my sources. If any of this is incorrect, I'd love to be corrected and given the name of the source.

Anyhoo, here goes, in rough chronological order:

MYTH: Brian Wilson's near-deafness in his right ear was the result of a beating from his abusive father.

The truth is that we may never get the truth on this one, and it's also not really any of our business as it's a personal matter. But below are a few sources.

When Brian appeared on 20/20 Downtown in 2000, he was asked whether it was true that his deafness was a result of his father's abuse. Brian said no, he was born deaf in his right ear. It should be noted that Brian was very upbeat and positive throughout all his segments on the show and even referred to his father as "my hero."

However, in a European magazine article in 2004, Brian said that when he was a young boy Murry hit him in the head with a 2 x 4, and that's what caused his partial deafness. And you know what? Brian's overall tone in the article was negative and a bit gloomy.

And in Brian's interview with Larry King in the same year, he said that he was born deaf in that ear.

Basically, the various sources don't agree with each other -- and Brian contradicts himself on this issue. Heck, for all we know, Brian doesn't even know for sure.

MYTH: "Surfer Girl" was the first song Brian Wilson ever wrote.

This is one of those things that I can't confirm. However, according to someone who has some sort of connection to Brian Wilson but won't say what the connection is, Brian's old friends from school roll their eyes whenever he goes on record as saying "Surfer Girl" was his first song. Why? Because they remember several songs he wrote before that one. I guess you can count a song mentioned in David Leaf's book that Brian wrote for a homework assignment when he was ten years old, but to be fair, it wasn't completely original - he rewrote the words of an existing song. Perhaps what's true is that "Surfer Girl" is the first song Brian ever wrote that was actually released.

MYTH: The Beach Boys formed when Murry and Audree Wilson went on a trip to Mexico on Labor Day Weekend and the Wilson brothers rented instruments with money Murry an Audree left for them to buy food with.

See this link and scroll down for the details!

MYTH: Al Jardine left The Beach Boys in 1963 to finish dental school at Ferris State College.

Read this extract from an online fan discussion for details. (Yup, same link as above!)

MYTH: "Girl, Don't Tell Me" was Carl Wilson's first lead vocal.

The back cover of the 1965 album Summer Days (And Summer Nights!!) lists the lead vocalists of nearly all the songs. "Girl Don't Tell Me" is listed as a Carl Wilson lead vocal, leading many fans and insiders to believe that it was Carl's first-ever lead vocal. Even Brian's notes on the back of the album say, "I'm glad I finally wrote a song Carl dug singin'." Note the wording of this quote.

Although it remained unreleased until 1990, Carl Wilson sang lead on the 1964 song "All Dressed Up For School," despite CD liner notes claiming it's Brian. When asked about this, Carl said it was recorded so long ago that he didn't remember whether he or Brian sang lead on it. The vocal on the song has various phrasings that were unique to Carl's voice. A bootleg compilation that includes studio outtakes of this song also reveals that Carl indeed was the lead singer.

And we have at least one song that pre-dates that outtake; however, this song was actually released shortly after it was recorded: "Pom, Pom Playgirl." CD liner notes again incorrectly credit Brian as the lead vocalist, but the same vocal uniquities that distinguish Carl's voice on "All Dressed Up..." also appear in "Pom, Pom Playgirl." Also, as a joke the Beach Boys performed one verse of "Pom, Pom Playgirl" during an Indiana concert in 1971 immediately before "God Only Knows." Carl was introduced as the vocalist, and a bootleg recording of the concert compared to the 1964 studio version is a perfect vocal match.

And on the Beach Boys' debut album, Surfin' Safari, there's a cover of Eddie Cochran's "Summertime Blues." While Brian was always assumed to be one of the two vocalists, the bootleg CD Unsurpassed Masters Vol. 1 reveals that the person singing the melody was Carl. A voice-over during the session identifies one of the takes as being "with Carl and Ni[c]k," indicating that Carl was one of the vocalists, and someone named Nick -- possibly Nik Venet.

But wait...wouldn't Brian in 1965 when he wrote those notes remember if Carl sang lead on another song? Certainly! Note that he didn't specifically say that GDTM was Carl's first lead vocal; he simply said he was glad that he wrote a song Carl liked to sing. Carl may not have liked singing the album filler "Pom, Pom Playgirl." Brian didn't write "Summertime Blues."

MYTH: "The Little Girl I Once Knew" stalled at #20 on the Billboard chart because radio stations refused to play the song with its several instances of sudden stops, which would result in dead air.

Yes, it's true that radio stations tend to dislike dead air. Let's say you're surfin' down the radio dial, and you come to a spot that, at that particular moment, is silent. You assume that there's no station there, so you keep surfing until you get to an obvious station.

But fans who remember the November 8, 1965 release of "The Little Girl I Once Knew" remember that the song was riding up the charts just as steadily as any other Beach Boys hit. But why did it suddenly stall at #20?

The answer to that question came on December 20, 1965, with the release of an edited version of "Barbara Ann," an acoustic cover from the album Recorded "live" at a...Beach Boys' Party!. Capitol rush-released this song and promoted the bejeezus out of it. With its tight harmonies, many hooks, and fun sing-along style, "Barbara Ann" had all the trademarks of a hit Beach Boys song that stayed close to the formula -- close enough to reach #2 on Billboard. "The Little Girl I Once Knew" was suddenly forgotten about.

MYTH: Although highly acclaimed today, Pet Sounds was a flop when it was first released in 1966.

It went to number 10 on the Billboard album chart, which measures from 1 to 200. Yes, number 10. Pet Sounds was a top-ten album, people! Okay, everybody...those of you who would be disappointed if you recorded a top-ten album, raise your hands! For comparison's sake, the album that contained "Fun, Fun, Fun," "The Warmth Of The Sun," and "Don't Worry, Baby" only went to number 13 (which, interestingly, was Smile's peak chart position).

MYTH: A Theremin is one of the instruments used in the songs "I Just Wasn't Made For These Times" and "Good Vibrations."

The instrument actually used is a device that uses technology similar to that of Moog's synthesizer and designed by Paul Tanner, hence the instrument's monicker "Tannerin." It was designed to sound like a Theremin (which is probably why during the recording sessions Brian Wilson kept referring to it as a Theremin), but it doesn't work the same way. While a Theremin is played via hand motions around two sensors, a Tannerin is controlled by a slider and operates similarly to the instrument Mike Love played when the Beach Boys performed "Good Vibrations" on the Ed Sullivan Show.

The sound in each instrument is different as well. While the Tannerin emits a whistle-like and almost siren-like sound, the Theremin produces a buzzing sound.

During Brian's 1999 solo tour, there was a Theremin on stage for "Good Vibrations," and Steve Dahl frenetically waved his arms around it, but apparently he wasn't really playing it -- and Dahl apparently didn't KNOW he wasn't playing it! One fan reports noticing that while Steve was "playing" a Theremin, Probyn Gregory at the same time was playing a Tannerin on stage!

Since 1999, the Tannerin found a home on stage with Brian Wilson's backing band, usually played by Probyn Gregory during the tunes "Good Vibrations," "I Just Wasn't Made For These Times," "Heroes And Villains," and "Mrs. O'Leary's Cow."

*UPDATED* MYTH: Van Dyke Parks was once a child actor, and he played Tommy Manicotti on the TV show The Honeymooners.

For the longest time, I swore up and down that this was absolutely not true. As http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifsomeone who for years was a die-hard "Honeymoonie" and has been a Brian Wilson fan since 1989, certainly I would have known. I did some research, and sure enough, the name of the actor who played not only Tommy Manicotti but also Johnny Bennett? Ralph Roberts! Further research turned up no evidence that Van Dyke Parks used an alias, and the one time I know that he used an alias, it was when he released a record under the pseudonym "George Washington Brown."

However, this thread on the message board at smileysmile.net includes a post from someone citing a recent interview with Van Dyke Parks, who not only mentioned playing Tommy Manicotti on The Honeymooners, but also the story of how Jackie Gleason chose him. Hmmm...Van Dyke Parks is not known to make up stories like this.

It occurred to me that the episodes crediting "Ralph Roberts" were from the standard, "classic 39" episodes that have been in reruns for decades. Therefore, it's theoretically possible that Van Dyke Parks may have appeared in the so-called "lost 75" episodes that were sketches from Gleason's other shows, Cavalcade of Stars and The Jackie Gleason Show. A search on Google revealed this blog post, linking to a Honeymooners episode that aired earlier in 1955 before the sketch was spun off into its own show. The episode was called "Hero," and indeed includes a chap named Van Dyke Parks playing a kid named Tommy who just moved into the building with his family.

I sincerely apologize to Van Dyke Parks and anybody else who might have been offended.

MYTH: Because a corresponding film was planned for Smile, there exists a film clip for "Fire," which features the Beach Boys portraying firemen responding to a call.

While the documentary An American Band shows film of the Beach Boys in firefighter outfits with "Fire" as the background music, the film itself consisted of footage and outtakes from a "Good Vibrations" promo film; the fire theme just happened to match perfectly with the music. The promo film was released in 2006 as part of the Pet Sounds 40th anniversary CD/DVD combo package.

MYTH: Leonard Bernstein praised Brian Wilson's music during the 1967 TV special Inside Pop.

The TV special had two halves, and Brian appeared in the half that was hosted not by Bernstein but by David Oppenheim. While Brian performs "Surf's Up," a voice-over describes the complexity of the music and how the song requires more than one listening to fully understand. The voice belongs to Oppenheim, who introduces himself at the beginning of his half of the TV special.

A clip of the Inside Pop performance of "Surf's Up," without the voice-over, appears in the documentary An American Band, while a longer clip appears on several bootleg CDs, some of which have the voice-over intact.

MYTH: Brian Wilson stopped working on the Smile album after hearing Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, feeling that he had been beaten by The Beatles.

While many people would like to believe this, it's almost impossible to be true. Brian abandoned Smile in early May 1967; Sgt. Pepper's was released in the States on June 2, 1967. The only finished part of the album that we know for sure Brian heard was "A Day in the Life," as Paul McCartney brought a copy of it for him to listen to in April 1967. Brian may also have heard McCartney perform "She's Leaving Home" on a piano, but that's most likely the extent of what Brian would have heard; one finished track and a solo piano performance is hardly a reason for someone to abandon several months' worth of intense studio recordings.

A short write-up in a 1967 newspaper confirms that it's highly unlikely that Brian gave up Smile thanks to the 1967 Beatles masterpiece. As reproduced in Domenic Priore's book Look! Listen! VIBRATE! SMILE!, here's the writeup in its entirety:

Brian Wilson is reported to have heard the Beatles LP track -- "A Day In The Life Of" -- and to be so knocked out that he has retired to live in a Sauna bath and there to sweat out some more mind-jamming material for further Beach Boys' discs.

In other words, it's more likely that after hearing "A Day In The Life," Brian felt encouraged to TOP it!

MYTH: There is profanity in the remake of "I Was Made To Love Her" that appears on the Wild Honey album.

Probably one of the oldest Beach Boys myths, going back to around the time the album came out, is that the background lyrics are, "You son of a bitch, you love her." I heard that it was even the subject of a trivia question that a radio station had as a contest back in the day. ("Which Beach Boys song has profane language?" or something to that effect.) The actual lyric, possibly semi-obscured by percussion: "Yes, I was made to love her."

MYTH: At the end of a recording session for The Beatles' Get Back album, John Lennon played "The Lonely Sea" on his guitar as people were going home for the night.

This is one of those myths that just won't die. The problem is that it was reported by Doug Sulpy in his book about the Get Back sessions, and because Doug Sulpy is a highly respected author (and deservingly so), many fans -- especially those who aren't Beatles fans -- want to take his word as gospel. This recording has been bootlegged, notably on Yellow Dog's The Day By Day Series. A listen to the alleged performance of "The Lonely Sea" reveals very few similarities to the Beach Boys' song and what Lennon actually plays. Should you listen to a recording of the session, try to sing "The Lonely Sea" to John's guitar arpeggios -- you can't! The chord changes are an entire measure short. In all honesty, most likely John was just playing some random arpeggios for no apparent reason. It sounds closer to the ending chords of "I Am The Walrus" but played in waltz time. John does vocalize while he plays, but it's simply a high-pitched "EEeeeeeeeeeee!" in no particular key.

MYTH: Dennis Wilson cowrote "You Are So Beautiful" with Billy Preston but neither received nor asked for credit.

The answer to this one depends on whom you ask!

I believe it was Jon Stebbins' book that recounts a story told by Billy Hinsche, who was at a party and witnessed Dennis and Billy at a piano writing the song. It certainly makes sense -- it's definitely the kind of song Dennis would have written at the time, so it might not be a coincidence that he sang it in concert a lot.

However, when Billy Preston was a guest at the Chicago Beatlefest in 2004, I asked him what parts of "You Are So Beautiful" Dennis actually wrote. Billy laughed and said, "WHO?!?!" I said, "uhhh...Dennis Wilson? From the Beach Boys?" Billy laughed again and reiterated, "WHOOOOO!!??!?? haa haaaaaaa!!! Naw, man, he's trippin'! He didn't write that song!" Hmmmm.

After I posted about how a ballroom of a few thousand people laughed as Billy pretty much shot down my question, several fans said that according to Billy Hinsche, both Dennis and Preston were probably so stoned at the time that neither one of them would probably remember who wrote the song anyway. Others suggested that maybe Preston really did remember Dennis writing some of it but didn't want to go on record admitting it, possibly for fear of legal backlash.

On March 13, 2009, Jon Stebbins, author of Dennis Wilson: The Real Beach Boy, posted the following on the message board at www.brianwilson.com:

I've done a new round of interviews on this subject, and the more people who were around at the time that you ask, the clearer it becomes that Dennis actually did have a hand in writing You Are So Beautiful along with Billy Preston. When Dennis realized he'd received no credit for it, he decided one way to remedy that was to sing it every night, and make it his own anyway. This wasn't a coincidence, Dennis wanted people to think of YASB as his song. I am blown away by how many people in the BB's family and inner circle firmly believe that Dennis wrote it. Too many for it to be a myth.

MYTH: The Beach Boys filmed a TV special in 1976 called It's OK.

In Keith Badman's slightly controversial book about The Beach Boys, he pointed out that the NBC TV special didn't have a title other than The Beach Boys. He's right -- check the opening credits on your old VHS or your DVD, or if you can find the original TV Guide listing, you'll have your proof.

MYTH: Looking Back With Love isn't as bad as everybody says it is.

Okaaaaaaaaaaaay.....whatever.

MYTH: Brian Wilson spent decades of his life as a recluse on drugs in bed.
That statement is what the media seem to want to believe when trying to sum up the life of Brian Wilson. But it's simply not true, unless "decades" means "a few years in the '70s and a few years in the '80s."

Although his output was very minimal, Brian Wilson certainly did some activity in the '70s. He wrote, produced, and sang many of the songs on the Sunflower album. He attempted a couple of vocal takes on "Surf's Up" on the album of the same name in 1971 and contributed a brand new song. Brian's name appears in both songwriting and production credits on 1972's Carl and the Passions - "So Tough". He produced a Jan Berry single in 1973, and in the same year he both produced and performed on an album by Spring -- and did at least one radio interview of considerable length to promote it. He contributed a handful of songs to the Holland album and sang in the background. Brian did at least one hour-long interview on a radio show in 1974 and performed on the Beach Boys' sole 1974 output, "Child of Winter."

So, it looks like 1975 was Brian's only true inactive year in the '70s. In 1976 he went through a drug rehab program, lost significant weight, and recorded and produced extensively with the Beach Boys, and of course toured regularly with the group. Sadly, he reverted back to his drug habit shortly afterward and regained the weight he lost (and then some), but he still continued to tour with the group into 1982, at which point he went through the rehab program again, this time successfully.

MYTH: Many years ago Brian Wilson suffered a stroke during surgery, and this accounts for many of his physical habits.

I'm going into some sensitive territory here. Many people cite some occasional slurred speech from Brian as evidence. (Ever think that perhaps he was nervous on camera?) Others cite how he tends to talk toward the side of his mouth. Let me attack the side-of-mouth thing right now. This is noticeable in the I Just Wasn't Made For These Times documentary. Shortly after the movie was released, Brian said in an interview that he noticed he did that and was kind of embarrassed by it and was trying to break that habit. He said he more than likely subconsciously "talks to" his good ear so he can hear himself. Also, if you look closely at early Beach Boys films, you'll see that Brian always talked out of the side of his mouth. (Did he have a stroke when he was 22 years old?!) And you know what? Watch I Just Made For These Times and you'll see Audree talking out of the side of her mouth...Carnie too! So obviously, strokes run in the family, right? Uhhh...no. Besides...if the side-of-mouth habit were the result of a stroke, wouldn't the entire right side of Brian's body, face and all, be paralyzed? (Mind you, I'm no medical expert.)

In the mid-1990s, a fan on the Beach Boys newsgroups took questions from other fans that he was going to ask the Wilson family's attorney, who agreed to do an interview for the fans. A few days later the interview was posted. The stroke-as-a-result-of-surgery issue was mentioned. The lawyer could neither confirm nor deny that Brian had a stroke, but she did eventually say "there was no surgery."

More than likely, the myth about the stroke-from-surgery was fueled by Timothy White's book, The Nearest Faraway Place. But what's interesting is that the book clearly states that there was no surgery, basically concurring with what the lawyer said. Why was there no surgery? Well, apparently Brian was scheduled for some plastic surgery to remove excess skin left over from his extreme weight loss. Brian allegedly was very nervous while waiting for the surgeon, and the story is that Landy gave him a couple of tranquilizers to calm him. When the surgeon found out, he freaked and called off the surgery because the combination of tranqs and the impending anaesthetic could cause a stroke. In other words, no surgery, no anaesthetic, no side effect from a bad drug interaction, no stroke.

Again, my sources on this is the posting from the Wilson family attorney, which is theoretically findable if you do a search through Google Groups, and Timothy White's book.

MYTH: Mike Love sued Al Jardine over the use of The Beach Boys' name.

Despite what many fans believe, and what has been published on a few occasions, Mike did not sue Al Jardine. It was Brother who sued Jardine for trademark infringement. Details of the court case are public record, so anybody who knows how to access those details can verify that this is true.

MYTH: In a move that puzzles many fans, Brian Wilson voted against Al Jardine's use of the Beach Boys' name. As a result, "Beach Boys Family and Friends," whose members included Brian's daughters Carnie and Wendy, couldn't get booked. So essentially, Brian's vote hindered his daughters' careers.

When Brian's current bandmate Jeffrey Foskett was asked about this on April 1, 2001, at a private concert he gave, Jeff appeared very disturbed by this and told the fan who asked him, in slightly nicer terms, "You don't know what you're talking about!"

Foskett said, "You have your information wrong. There was no vote." As I was present, I can give a first-hand account of what Jeff said. He basically said that there was no such thing as a "vote," and the reason that Mike Love has the right to use The Beach Boys' name is that he went through the proper legal channels to get the license of the name from Brother, but Al didn't, and that's why he was forced to stop using the name. He emphasized that Brian had nothing to do with Carnie and Wendy not being able to perform under that name. Jeff added that there are four corporate members of BRI: Mike Love, Al Jardine, Brian Wilson, and the estate of Carl Wilson. (Dennis's share was bought out long ago.) All income from the concerts that the corporate members perform -- including both Jardine's group and Brian -- is pooled together and goes toward paying for the everyday operation of BRI, legal fees, etc., and what's left is distributed equally to all members. (Mind you this might have changed since, but I can't confirm for sure that it has changed.)

MYTH: When Brian Wilson performs the song "Do It Again" in concert, some of the other singers sing "sue it again" at the end of the last verse as a commentary of the seemingly endless lawsuits filed by various current and past members of The Beach Boys over the last couple of decades.

To this day there are some people who religiously believe this to be true. It just ain't. Period. I'm sure Brian's band would be a bit more subtle. At the very least, they'd sing "sue him again" instead of "sue it again." What the hell does "sue it" mean, anyway? You can't sue an object!

At the same private concert mentioned in the previous myth, a fan asked Jeffrey Foskett if this is true. He said absolutely not, and he actually confirmed what I always believed: some of the singers sing "do it again," others sing "surf again." This is very believable, as there's an early take of "Do It Again" on the Endless Harmony compilation in which the last verse ends, "...so let's get back together and surf again." The combination of some singers singing "do" and others singing "surf" gives it the illusion that they're actually singing "sue it again." Brian's band is always throwing in little surprises from obscure variations of Brian's songs; heck, they were even rehearsing the "hum-bee-dah" section from "Good Vibrations" as early as 2001!

Still unconvinced? Then get yourself the DVD of A TNT Tribute to Brian Wilson. One of the extras is Brian's performance of "Do It Again" from that concert. Listen to the center channel of the 5.1 mix -- that's pretty much Foskett's vocal isolated. You will clearly hear Jeff sing "surf again."

MYTH: Paul McCartney and George Martin were in attendance at the debut of Smile.

Most fans actually are aware that this is not true. However, some editing in the Beautiful Dreamer documentary implies that they were present. Unfortunately, I can't get a straight answer as to which performance they attended. Depending on which fans you ask, it was either the second, third, or fourth performance.

MYTH: The Good Vibrations CD EP released on June 27, 2006 contains an alternate take of "Good Vibrations" that was never released in the U.S.

Well...not really. Despite what the notes on the CD say, that exact same was released in the U.S. in 1983 on the Rarities compilation put out by Capitol, which contained other then-hard-to-find tracks such as "Land Ahoy," "With A Little Help From My Friends," and the single version of "Cotton Fields."

To be more accurate, the CD notes could have said that the track was never before released on C.D. in the U.S.; Rarities was briefly available on CD but only in Japan -- it is possible, although difficult, to get the CD elsewhere as an import.

MYTH: That Lucky Old Sun is a round that Brian composed with Van Dyke Parks.

The "round" part comes from an interview or two that Brian gave. By definition, That Lucky Old Sun isn't really a round -- a round is what happens when you have a piece of music in which a melody is performed, then the same melody is performed out of sync with the other melody, like "Row, Row, Row Your Boat." Brian uses the term "round" loosely, just as he described Smile as a "rock opera," even though it's not an opera by any definition.

As for Van Dyke Parks...his only contributions were the spoken interludes and some of the lyrics to "Live Let Live." Brian's main collaborator on this project was Scott Bennett. (If you read the Chicago Sun-Times, you might remember Jim DeRogatis' bashing of the album, and calling Bennett, and I quote, a "Hollywood hack," despite the fact that Scott is from Chicago.)

So, just what is Scattered Frog?

2006-01-18T07:30:00.000-05:00

I realize it's been over a month since my newest post. Too long! And I figured that the first post of 2006 would be to introduce Scattered Frog to the world of blog readers.

So what exactly is Scattered Frog? Dunno. It'd be a lot easier to explain the many things it isn't, to be honest with you. I can tell you that Scattered Frog was conceived in late December 1999, possibly on the day the news got out that George Harrison had been stabbed. Scattered Frog was conceived when a weather reporter on New Jersey 101.5 almost misread a portion of the report that was warning about scattered fog in the area.

Scattered Frog might not be a frog at all, but maybe one person. Or many persons. You'll get to know Scattered Frog most likely in a series of what many people call "podcasts." (Folks, look...they've been around for many years, long before the iPod came about....they're called "mp3 files.") Maybe CDs. God knows what.

Scattered Frog is you. It's me. It's Jesus. It's Touch Connors. Scattered Frog is Charlotte Rae. It's whatever you make it to be.

That's all I have to say about that for now. In the mean time, here are some funny place names:

Blue Ball, Pennsylvania
Crested Butte, Colorado
Crotch Lake, Ontario
Gayhead, Massachusetts [my personal favorite]
Sac City, Iowa

and of course, my current state of residence has a few of its own:

Ho-Ho-Kus
Drumthwacket (the governor's house)
Loveladies

Travel Tips from Dauber, part 1: Air Travel

2005-12-21T11:51:00.000-05:00

Many people will be traveling for Christmas right about this time, so I figured I'd share some wisdom I've gained as someone who flies every year just about now. This wisdom comes from both watching Airline and actual travel. In bringing you this wisdom, I want to make you aware that I do not work for the airline industry or anybody who has anything to do with traveling.

Remember what happened on September 11, 2001.

It pains me to have to emphasize this, but basically, don't put anything in your carry-on stuff that could be used to inflict harm. I don't care if you're bringing your knife collection because you're going to a knife show -- expect it to be confiscated! Basically, don't attempt to bring anything pointy or that can start any kind of fire or explosion.

If somebody does confiscate something in your carry-on luggage, don't blame the airline -- it's not their call.

This was actually true BEFORE 9/11, but it's even more true now: do not say the word "bomb" at the airport or on board the plane. Ever. In any context.

If you haven't flown since 9/11, be aware that if you don't have a boarding pass, you might not be allowed through security. So if you're there to see someone off, you might have to leave as soon as that someone gets the boarding pass. This policy varies from airport to airport, but I can tell you from personal experience that this is true for O'Hare, Newark, and McCarran.

Ever since 9/11, there's been a strict rule that you are not allowed out of your seat during the first half-hour and last half-hour of your flight. So plan your potty breaks accordingly.

Now, in general:

Just because they serve alcohol in various places inside the terminal doesn't mean you can get drunk. If someone thinks you could be drunk, you will be denied boarding. You have to be sober enough to perform emergency procedures. Also, who knows how you'll behave on board while intoxicated?

Do you have chocolates or peanut butter in your luggage? Don't be surprised if the scanner detects explosives. However, the candy will not be confiscated. Your luggage will be thoroughly searched, though, and that could delay you a bit.

No matter what the airline tells you, get to the airport at least two hours before your departure time. Most airlines actually tell you that anyway, but this is very good advice. You never know how long security lines will be.

If you're flying out of Baltimore, don't take Southwest Airlines. (Well...that's my own opinion, actually, and that's some of the wisdom I gained from watching Airline!)

All airlines typically overbook flights. There are usually no-shows, so rather than lose out on expensive air fare, they'll sell more tickets than the number of available seats. Keep that in mind -- make sure that if you have to be at work the next day that you don't take the last flight of the day! If you have to get bumped because of overbooking, you don't want to screw yourself. You will get a nice compensation package, though, to help make up for the inconvenience.

Don't get mad at the airline if your flight is cancelled or delayed due to bad weather. They cannot control the weather, and if the weather is bad, it's just not safe to take off and land. But for idiots who can't figure this out, I really do think that airlines should have a "quack flight." The "quack flight" would be run by a pilot who really likes to live dangerously and doesn't mind taking dumb risks. What happens is you complain to the agent about your flight being cancelled or delayed due to weather or other safety concerns. "You really need to fly out right now, no matter what? Okay, here ya go!" You get your boarding pass and you board the quack flight -- after, of course, signing an agreement saying you will not hold the airline responsible for your death or for a bad flight because, after all, you were dumb enough to fly in dangerous conditions.

If you get a drink during the flight, chances are the flight attendant will pour the drink from the can into a smaller cup. That's why you can afford to fly. However, I do believe that if you ask for the whole can, they will give it to you. Heck, I never needed more than the cup, so I never asked, but I'm pretty sure that they will give you the whole thing if you ask.

A good way to pass the time in the air is to look through the Skymall catalog. Seriously, you'll get a good laugh at all the stupid overpriced crap you can buy. Oh...and half of it is "European," which usually means "contains curved tubular metal."

Standing up as soon as the plane hits the ground and fumbling for your carry-ons in the overhead compartment won't get you out of the plane any sooner than anybody else, so sit your ass down and wait like everybody else.

I think that's all I can think of right now. I'll be sure to add updates as necessary!

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...and a Japanese transistor radio!

2005-12-14T13:38:00.000-05:00

Well, Christmas is eleven short days away, so now is the season when we're bombarded with Christmas music, some brilliant and some overplayed. We're all familiar with the recursive Christmas carol "The Twelve Days of Christmas." Is this rant going to be about the usual thing -- the wisecracks about all these birds making a mess, etc.? No. But first, just a few fun facts.

One favorite question asked in many high school academic bowl tournaments is the number of gifts received in the entire song. (When I was on the scholastic bowl team in high school, this question actually did come up. Our captain turned to me and whispered, "Start adding!") All together, that's 364 -- almost one gift for every day of the year! It's an average of 30 and one-third gifts per month. Here's the complete breakdown:

First day: 1 gift
Second day: 3 gifts
Third day: 6 gifts
Fourth day: 10 gifts
Fifth day: 15 gifts
Sixth day: 21 gifts
Seventh day: 28 gifts
Eighth day: 36 gifts
Ninth day: 45 gifts
Tenth day: 55 gifts
Eleventh day: 66 gifts
Twelfth day: 78 gifts

Now, there ends the whole mystique of "The Twelve Days of Christmas." Those are all the facts you need to know. There's nothing further, really, on which one may reasonably snark.

Sure, there are countless parodies, most of which just replace the gifts with something silly, like terrorism paraphernalia or stereotypical North American cultural items, and just seemingly random thoughts with little supposed-to-be-funny sound bites dropped in. *yawn*

Then there's the late Allan Sherman and his parody, "The Twelve Gifts of Christmas," from his For Swingin' Livers Only album. Yes, it's another parody in which the gifts are changed, and Sherman occasionally interrupts with some snappy remarks. Oh, and Sherman, who's supposed to be receiving all these gifts for Christmas...was Jewish; more on that a bit later. Allan Sherman was a genius when it came to writing song parodies, so much so that he was a major influence on "Weird Al" Yankovic. And "The Twelve Gifts of Christmas" is, besides being probably the only truly good "Twelve Days Of Christmas" parody, a perfect example of his brilliance and how he can leave many of us wondering, with secrets he probably took with him to the grave over thirty years ago.

The one gift that Sherman keeps receiving every day is "a Japanese transistor radio." Here are some things we know about it:

It's a discontinued Nakashuma Mark IV.
It comes in a leatherette case with holes for listening through the case.
It also comes with an earpiece on which the phono plug was somehow bent.

How many times does Allan receive this gift? If you said twelve, you guessed wrong! The song gives no indication on whether he actually received anything on the twelfth day, which is one of the many mysteries of this song. More on this later.
So right now, the count is eleven Japanese transistor radios that we know for sure he received.

Here's what he receives on the following days:

Second day: Green polka-dot pajamas and the radio
Third day: A calendar book with the name of his insurance man, the pajamas and the radio.
Fourth day: A simulated alligator wallet, the calendar book, the pajamas and the radio.
Fifth day: A statue of a naked lady* with a clock in her stomach, wallet, calendar book, pajamas, radio.

This is where the hard deducible facts end. Even that is a bit hazy, as he doesn't specify how many pairs of pajamas he gets! But after five days have gone by, Allan has the following things:

Five Japanese transitor radios.
If we assume ONE pair of pajamas every day, then he has four at this point.
Three calendar books. And he ain't kidding, either -- these are the exact kinds of things that somehow you find yourself with a whole bunch and wonder, "Where the HELL did I get these from?"
Two alligator wallets.
One statue with a clock instead of a digestive system.

So, that's fifteen gifts in all -- although thanks to the mystery of the pajamas, we can only be totally sure of eleven of them. And notice how he only gets, apparently, ONE of each gift every day. But at this point, the song gets a little hairy: presumably to cut out the "Yeah, yeah, I get the point" factor of the song, rather than going through each of the other items, Sherman shortens the wording. He sings, "A hammered aluminum nutcracker and all that other stuff," followed by his chorus singing "And a Japanese transistor radio."

As colloquial as "all that other stuff" sounds, there's a vast mystery behind it: does "all that other stuff" INCLUDE the radio? If it does, then on the sixth day, he gets TWO: "...and all that other stuff, and a Japanese transistor radio." So either he got 21 gifts (the previous fifteen, plus one each per number of days it's been) or 22 gifts if you count the radio -- and again, that's assuming just one pair of pajamas every day. The "all that other stuff," which is sung one time by the chorus (believe me, you haven't lived until you've heard a professional chorus sing the word "stuff"), lasts until the ninth day. So after the eight day, Allan has:

Eight radios -- or is it eleven? (One extra for each "all that other stuff!")
Possibly seven pairs of pajamas.
The ubiquitous calendar book -- six of them.
Five faux gator wallets.
Four statues.
Three nutcrackers.
Two pink satin pillows that say "San Diego" and have fringe
An indoor plastic birdbath, in case he decides to turn his house into an aviary

In other words, he has either 36 or 39 gifts, and again, you're assuming that the pajamas are only one pair each day.

Okay, so "all that other stuff" happens until the ninth day. What happens starting that day? He just gets two gifts from this point on: whatever the new gift is, and the radio -- no more "all that other stuff." And this goes on until the eleventh day. So, just to keep a running tally, here's what we have each day, each with the disclaimer about the pajamas:

A Japanese transistor radio (one gift)
Green polka-dot pajamas and the radio (two gifts)
Calendar book with the insurance man's name, the pajamas, and the radio (three gifts)
Simulated alligator wallet, calendar book, pajamas, radio (four gifts)
(sung to the tune of "Five golden rings," cramming all the syllables together and singing the words really fast: ) "Astatueofanakedladywithaclock...where her stomach ought to be," the wallet, calendar book, pajamas, and the radio. (Five gifts)
Hammered aluminum nutcracker, "all that other stuff," the radio (Six -- or seven -- gifts)
Pink satin pillow that says "San Diego" with fringe all around it, the other stuff, the radio (Seven -- or eight --gifts)
Indoor plastic birdbath and the other stuff and the radio (Eight or nine gifts)
A pair of teakwood shower clogs and the radio (Two gifts)
A chromium combination manicure scissors and cigarette lighter (Two gifts)
(Again, sung really fast to the tune of the "Five golden rings" line:) "Anautomaticvegetableslicerthatworkswhenyouseeitontelevisionbutnotwhenyougetithome" and the Japanese transistor radio. (Two gifts again)

At this point, Mr. Sherman has received either 42 or 45 gifts, again assuming the thing about the pajamas.

I said the two-gifts-per-day lasts until day 11. But what happens on the twelfth day? Let's go back to my observation of a Jewish guy getting all this stuff for Christmas. I'd assume that if someone was a die-hard practicing Jew, he would not be celebrating Christmas, which probably explains why on the twelfth day, Sherman doesn't say anything about his true love giving him anything. Instead, he sings, and I quote: "On the twelfth day of Christmas, although it may seem strange...on the twelfth day of Christmas I'm going to exchange..." an then he rattles off each of the eleven gifts, singing "And a Japanese transistor radio" with a big flourishing finish.

But there's a problem: at that point, Sherman is apparently still left with either 31 or 34 gifts, because he only mentioned exchanging one of each gift!

When people talk about the big mysteries in music of the 1960s, a lot of things are brought up. What were the real circumstances behind the death of Brian Jones? Did Jim Morrison really die in 1971? Why did Brian Wilson stop work on the Smile album and what was the final vision for it anyway? Are the rumors about John Lennon and Brian Epstein's trip to Spain true? Are the Kinks trying to tell us that Lola was a man? I mean, come on, those aren't the real mysteries! The real mystery is this: how many gifts did Allan Sherman receive for Christmas? Truly it takes a genius to leave the world scrutinizing and wondering over a question so simple.

*Yes, I know that you've always heard it as "A statue of a lady..." Any anal-retentive music snob knows that the song was later edited to make it a bit more friendly. The unaltered version was out as a single and can be found on the Rhino Handmade collection My Son The Box.

Christmas in Rockefeller Center

2005-12-01T12:11:00.000-05:00

In case you live under a rock, last night they lit the tree at Rockefeller Center. (Sorry, but you have no excuse if you don't live in the New York metro area -- it's broadcast nationally!) The occasion definitely marks the beginning of a rushed yet happy season. I do admit, though, that a couple of times I did go to New York to see the tree in person, and I was kind of unimpressed -- it looks so much bigger on TV!

Anyway, this time of year usually makes me wonder a lot about the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree. My wife and I often discuss these topics:

- Do they ever detect green spray paint on the tree to disguise decaying parts?

- Whose dad to they get to test the Christmas lights, get pissed off, and curse? And does that dad also have to jam the tree into the ground to make sure the needles don't fall off?

- Speaking of the string of lights...do they keep the extra bulbs in a Dutch Masters cigar box? Really, did everybody have these things? Heck, we had a bunch of those cigar boxes around the house when I was a kid, but nobody I've ever known actually smoked those things!

- That button the celebrity presses to light the tree -- is that on a toggle? Just once I'd love to see said person toggle the tree off after about five seconds, utter "heh heh...just kidding," and then turn it back on.

- Where do they get a Christmas tree stand wide enough to support that monster?

- When the Christmas season is over, do they throw the tree out against the curb like everybody else?

- During the off season, where do they keep the star they put on top of the tree? My wife and I are assuming they put it in the attic at 30 Rock in a cardboard box with "X-mas Star" written on it in marker. Maybe there's something else already written on the box but scribbled out.

You just can't help but wonder.

We need a national anthem.

2005-11-10T16:38:00.000-05:00

(Let's start off with some controversy, shall we?) "The Star-Spangled Banner" is one of the most poorly-written popular songs ever. Not quite as bad as, say, anything by Willi One-Blood, but pret-ty bad.

First of all, it's not an original melody. The music is actually a slowed-down version of an old drinking song called "To Anacreon In Heaven." Great! So the world thinks that this great country consists mainly of alcoholics!

Second, the lyrics are very disturbing. They glorify bloodshed and war. Basically, the lyrics say "Wow, look at all this death and destruction. Amazingly, the flag is still intact!" And that's just the first verse. Yes, there are actually several verses to this draggy thing.

Third, there's the glory note in the end. People refer to it as the "high note." You know the note - the word "free." Well, that same exact note occurs earlier, too, on the phrase "red glare." Sorry, but hitting that note for the third time in the same verse just does not impress me.

"Well, then, come up with a better idea for a national anthem!" I hear you cry. That's a hard choice. If you go through the other "hooray for us" songs, you'll notice they don't actually mention the name of the country -- hey, kinda like "The Star-Spangled Banner!" "America," aka "My Country, 'Tis Of Thee," not only borrows its melody from "God Save The Queen," but also doesn't mention the name of the country. "America The Beautiful" and "God Bless America" don't either -- look, "America" ain't the name of this country.

Right now, the only patriotic song that I can think of that actually comes close to mentioning the name of this country is "God Bless The USA," which has got to be the worst...absolute WORST...song EVER MADE -- yep, even worse than "MacArthur Park." Dig: "I'm proud to be an American where at least I know I'm free." Uhh...okay, that sentence has the word "where" but doesn't actually mention a place. And the overall maudlinity and drippiness of it all is really worth giving Lee Greenwood the death penalty (and I'm pretty much against capital punishment, so you KNOW he had to do something bad to deserve it). I suggest multiple paper cuts followed by Chinese water torture - with saltwater - immediately followed by crucifixion.

I once lamented about this whole "our national anthem sucks" situation online, and someone from England wrote back and said something along the lines of, "Don't feel too bad -- ours ain't that great either. It basically says God save the queen, but screw everybody else."

Glad to know I'm not alone.

That chilly, mysterious time of year

2005-11-02T11:12:00.000-05:00

The end of October through the beginning of November is just a strange time of year. It can be cool or warm, sunny or overcast, lethargic or energetic.

Let's start with Hallowe'en. Yeah, I like to use the apostrophe since the "een" part is actually a contraction of "evening." I never really cared much for that holiday. Even as a kid I had to think of a costume, put it on, sweat under it, and panhandle neighbors for candy that mostly I didn't get around to eating. And you gotta admit, to this day selections are pretty atrocious.

The omnipresent mystery of trick-or-treating, as I see it, is the "Fun Size" candy bar. Apparently, the fine folks at M&M/Mars and other chocolate bar makers think it's fun to finish a candy bar in two bites. Nuh-uh. You know what a fun size would be? A candy bar that's about twelve inches wide by sixteen inches long. Chow down on that -- that's called fun, my friends!

What about those weird things wrapped in orange or black wax paper and have a slight hint of peanut butter? Honestly, does anybody actually enjoy those? When buying Hallowe'en candy, remember: nobody likes those things!

You want kids to like you at Hallowe'en, at least enough not to egg your house in revenge? Do something cool. When I was a preteen my best friend's uncle had a dresser in the front room of his house, and on top of the dresser were a couple dozen lunch-size paper bags, and when you went trick-or-treating to his house, he'd have you come in and pick a bag at random. And there was a lot of good stuff in it -- good, that is, in both senses of the word in terms of food -- enjoyable (a couple of bits of candy) and good for you (like an apple). In one bag was sort of a prize and you hoped you got that bag; alas, I never did. One year the prize was a Rubik's Cube; at least, that's what I heard from other friends. (Obviously, this was the early '80s we're talkin'.)

One thing I've always wondered, though, is this: has anybody actually ever given a trick rather than a treat? Really, the kids ask for "trick or treat." I never got a trick. Just a treat.

And you gotta wonder about Charlie Brown and Linus Van Pelt. What's the deal with that Great Pumpkin thing? Well, I'm not so much concerned about that, but the Great Pumpkin visits the most sincere pumpkin patch he can find. What exactly are the criteria for sincerity in pumpkin patches? And he asked his friends whether they wanted to sing pumpkin carols with him. I'd love to hear some. Poor Charlie Brown, though. Seriously, the kid had a brilliant costume and didn't even know it -- swiss cheese! (Or a dalmation salt shaker.) At every house he went to, he got a rock. Honestly, were people so mean that they kept a pile of rocks by the door just in case there were kids with flawed costumes? If I were Charlie Brown, I would have very respectfullly returned every one of those rocks...probably through the nicest window of the house.

Now, on to this business about elections. (Ever notice how close to Hallowe'en Election Day falls? Hmmm.) I don't remember why, but obviously Election Day falls on the first Tuesday after the first Monday of November, so this year because November 1 was a Tuesday, November 8 is Election Day. Here in New Jersey we get to elect a governor. The Republican and Democrat candidates are rich white guys. That's their platform, really. And they both annoy me. I really, really wish people would consider the other candidates; there are probably eight on the ballot. There are only two candidates on the ballot who haven't pissed me off: Dr. Castillo and a dude who calls himself "Weed Man." I'm considering voting for Weed Man, but his only issue is legalizing pot, and since I don't smoke the stuff or plan to start smoking the stuff (say what you will about how dangerous marijuana is or isn't, but there's nothing you can say or do to convince me that ever putting smoke of any kind in your lungs is healthy!), I really don't care about that platform either way. I actually considered writing in Mark Lapidos, but I have a feeling if he were governor, the suits at Apple Records would force him to rename New Jersey "The State for Springsteen Fans."