Burning My New Jersey Bridges

So a great opportunity for a promotion comes up that would relocate me to a different state. I get the job. Niiiiiiiiiice! Now's my chance to tell New Jersey to, for lack of a better phrase, suck it.

Don't get me wrong -- my nearly eight years here wasn't bad. But there are some things I just won't miss the least.

Bruce Springsteen
Especially where I've been living, the blind hero worship is ubiquitous. The guy can't sing. He cheated on his wife very publicly -- way to represent Jersey! He claims to be from Asbury Park (he's from Freehold, actually) yet he's never there unless there are also TV cameras there. In all seriousness, if he weren't from New Jersey, half the fans around here wouldn't give a damn about him; I guarantee you.

I love it when "Born To Run" comes on the radio, and somebody in the room, with a heavy "howya doin'!" accent, has to get all loud about it. "SEE?! HIGHWAY NINE!!! He's singin' about Jersey!" Well...1) Highway 9 is a U.S. highway, so technically he could be singing about virtually any place on the East Coast through which Route 9 runs. Oh -- and the "ou" is pronounced as in the word, umm..."pronounce," and not as in "boot" -- what's that thing attached to your DSL? A rooter or a router? Anyway, 2) That's the only thing in the song that's intelligible, which may be why fans go crazy. Honestly, I had to search online for lyrics to see what the hell he's singing about. If I'm interpreting the lyrics correctly, he's basically saying, "Freehold sucks. Let's go to Asbury Park and boink on the beach."

Princeton
I'm referring to the town, not the university. I kind of have a love-hate relationship with this place. The downtown is nice, and if you like rural areas, you'd probably love the outskirts of Princeton. However...there are too many sushi places in Princeton. The seafood place is overpriced. If you have to use the non-automated facilities at the post office, allow yourself at least half an hour, even if you're the only person in line. Want a one-bedroom, one-bathroom apartment on Nassau Street, the most congested and unbearable street in town? $2100 a month. And don't park -- anywhere. (I work in Princeton, and where I work I'm lucky enough to be able to park in a private garage.) All of Pine Street has a two-hour limit, even though it's not posted -- I learned this the hard way after I received a parking ticket for parking for over two hours despite there being no signs anywhere within seeing distance of a person with 20/20 vision. The parking meters don't work -- either they'll take your money and give you zero time or the time will run down quickly. Case in point: another parking ticket for parking past the time allowed on the meter -- after I put in enough money that the meter gave me over nine minutes, and I was gone for maybe three minutes, if that much. So...to the friendly neighborhood parking police in downtown Princeton, I hope you enjoyed the over $100 you've collected from me over the past year - because you assholes aren't getting another cent from me, and most likely from anybody who reads this.

State Government
I've been here during the reign of three non-interim governors, and they all were/are crooks, including one who later became head of the EPA and assured everybody who helped out at the World Trade Center site that the air was safe to breathe. I'm glad I'm escaping before Corzine enacts his tax hike plan.

Unsafe Streets
By that, I don't mean violent neighborhoods. Rather, I mean the actual streets themselves. People in this state drive for crap (I've been rear-ended at least five times in the past year and almost every day I have several near-collisions, including from one moron who, while I was at a stop sign, motioned me to go ahead, and as soon as I let go of the brake, he accelerated.), and they don't know how to cross the street. (Little hint: when you see a line of machines that weigh several tons coming in your direction, it's NOT the time to jump out, especially if there's no crosswalk!) It's much worse in Manhattan, though.

The City
Depending on where you live, "the city" is either Philadelphia or New York. I know I'm not going to win any friends by saying this, but New York has got to be the dirtiest, creepiest, and most overcrowded place I've ever been. I've been all over Manhattan and have traipsed through every other borough except Staten Island in my travels, and the shape that place is in is just appalling. Very unsafe. Philadelphia isn't a heck of a lot better, but the big problem is that they don't mark their streets and exits. NYC? Philthydelphia? Not very promising choices.

Pizza
If you like droopy pizza with paper-thin crust that can't even hold the ingredients properly and cheese that comes off all at once in one bite, I strongly recommend any pizza in the state of New Jersey. Close second: NYC. Any pizza that needs to be folded to be eaten properly is just plain wrong.

Traffic Circles
These things were a good idea when there were, oh, twenty-five people living in New Jersey, but now they're a nuisance, especially because it appears that "Yield" signs are merely decorative in this state. They're actually getting rid of the circles little-by-little because they're so dangerous. What alarms me, though, is that they're popping up in other states all of a sudden, including Florida and Illinois.

People Who Whine About Toll Roads
Oh, shut up; New Jersey traffic tolls are nothin'. Ever drive on the Pennsylvania Turnpike? The toll roads in the northern and western Chicago suburbs?

TCNJ
aka "The College Of New Jersey." What's their motto? "The 'T' Stands For 'The'"??? Then again, their old name -- Trenton State -- wasn't all that great. I mean, come on, there's no such state as Trenton!

Overpriced Everything
'Nuff said.

So long, Jersey.

Asshole

Ahh, yes, another happy post from Dauber!

And a discussion about assholes!

A few years ago, I read that there's a difference between an "idiot" and an "asshole." The difference is that an idiot drives too slowly, and an asshole drives too fast. I'd just like to take this opportunity to expand on that definition of "asshole," and of course, add my own commentary. I guess a good way to do this is to say that an "asshole" will put the lives of others in danger, while an "idiot" will just make life miserable for everybody.

An "asshole" is not only someone who drives too fast, but also someone who is so, ummm...important...that he (and I'm saying "he" because it's usually a man) must tailgate everybody and flash his headlights to indicate that he wants you to move over. Usually this asshole is in an SUV and has no reason to own an SUV. However, the driver who keeps changing lanes because he -- or she, in this case -- isn't first in the line of cars and wants to make his -- or her -- way up to the front of the line is an idiot. So why is this person an idiot and not an asshole? Because you can have a lot of fun with this idiot -- you can slow down and speed up and for several minutes watch out of your rear-view mirror how this idiot constantly disappears and reappears behind you.

An "asshole" is someone who, upon seeing that there's a merge coming up, will get in the lane that's about to disappear in hopes to be forced into the remaining lane ahead of everybody else, especially at a red light.

The speed limit is 65mph. You're doing 75mph. An "asshole" is the person who is tailgating you because, even though you're speeding, you're still not going fast enough.

An "asshole" drives behind you with brights turned on, either during the day or at night. Actually...an "asshole" drives with brights turned on while there are other cars on the road.

Of course, I have ways of dealing with these problems, all requiring some sort of assholery on my part.

If I see that there's a merge about to happen and you decide you're getting into the disappearing lane in hopes to beat me and all the other vehicles in my vicinity, I'm not going to allow you to put our lives in danger. I'll be an asshole and move right in the middle, over both lanes.

I like to keep an egg in my car. Remember that next time you tailgate somebody. I like to make an asshole spectacle out of myself with that, especially if you're the asshole who gives me the "get out of my way" flashing headlights. I lower my window and present the egg to you. If you don't back off, I will be a first-class asshole and happily deliver the egg to you by very gently tossing it backward onto your windshield, hoping that will teach you what happens to tailgaters. I'm happy -- and shocked -- to say that to this day I haven't had to go beyond simply presenting the egg.

I haven't figured out how to out-asshole a high-beam driver, but I'll figure something out. Sure, I could pull over or in some other way force that driver to pass me and then drive behind that person with my high-beams on and blind that person just as she -- or he -- blinded me, but usually that driver will be out of sight before too long anyway. I don't know. Maybe I'll look into having a custom mirror attached to the rear of my car so that the asshole who drives behind me with high-beams on will get 'em right back in the asshole eyes. I also haven't figured out how to deal with the asshole coming TOWARD me with brights on. Flash my brights right back? Well...too risky -- it actually is illegal in this state to drive with brights turned on while there are other cars, and I'd probably get pulled over, knowing my luck.

Basically, what I'm saying is that if you're an asshole, I will be an asshole right back to you. You probably know from details on other parts of this blog that I live in New Jersey. Does that mean all of you who stay out of New Jersey are safe? Nope -- I'm moving out of this state soon. And I'm not telling you where I'm moving, so just drive safely and stop putting others' lives in danger, asshole.